


Party

by purecamp



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: :O, Drugs, M/M, like hella drugs, oh yeah and cringey texting lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 14:51:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 45,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12684108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purecamp/pseuds/purecamp
Summary: jinkx’s halloween party goes wrong, leading sharon and alaska down a confusing road of drugs, admitting feelings, and hiding. just when things are going okay, it all goes drastically wrong





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so. um. yeah  
> this was on aq before here

Halloween will forever remind Alaska of Sharon. The campy, spooky atmosphere mixed in with bouts of seriousness and pants-shittingly scary horror, it all reads as Sharon Needles right from October 1st to the infamous night itself. She turns it out every year, appearing in gruesome, sickening costumes in order to shock and horrify whoever she’s going to be with. Sharon’s always the centre of attention around Halloween.

The first Halloween celebration after their break-up was incredibly awkward. They both dressed up and went to the parties their friends were holding, but the vibe was so off that it became evident there was tension in the room. Everybody tried to ignore it and have a good time, but Alaska’s guise of pretending-to-be-okay was wearing thin and Sharon’s excessive alcohol consumption practically ripped her guise to shreds.

As they say, time heals all wounds, and it’s a truth that Alaska found to be extremely satisfying. She was no longer a runner-up of season five, stupidly hung up on making sure people see Alaska Thunderfuck, not Sharon’s Boyfriend. She was no longer Sharon Needle’s Ex-Boyfriend. She’s grown, she’s matured, and she’s happy to say she’s Alaska Thunderfuck, singer and winner of Rupaul’s Drag Race All Stars 2. It took her a while, but her drag improved and so did her life. And of course, now that the name ‘Sharon Needles’ was no longer tagged onto her own, but instead remained a contact name in her phone, that definitely helped. It saddened her that they hardly ever got to speak in person anymore, but they still texted one another.

Dink! Her phone’s generic tone went off, with perfect timing. Opening up the group chat, she laughed.

Sharon: Alaska girl u releasing songs in October? Dont u know this month is sacred to me?

Courtney: Oh no she betta dont.

Willam: You guys are annoying.

Sharon: hate you AAA girls.

Years of friendship couldn’t have been undone by one messy breakup, and now that Sharon and her were on good terms again, it made life easier – and funnier – for everyone. She quickly typed back.

Alaska: a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Bills need payin and the world needs Alaska even in Sharon’s holy month. Sorry bout it #ohnoshebettadid

Courtney: ohhhhhh shit

Courtney: #canigetanamen

Sharon: bills need paying? Girl u just won all stars 2. Get the fuck outta my month, my season 4 money is gone and ur rich. 5Gs, girl!

Willam: all that money went into your face, bitch.

Alaska: Get that hashtag trending on twitter.

Courtney: Latrice Royale?

Alaska: the true winner of season four.

Willam: Actually that was me.

Alaska: I was team Phi Phi O’Hara

Sharon: damn. nobody said the library was open.

Courtney: that song is actually so catchy

Courtney: Sharon just got READ to filth lmao.

Sharon: I NEED MONEY

Alaska: ;)

Alaska laughed. Who else would demand she didn’t release music whilst texting her every now and then in block capitals, telling her what she thought of each song? Sharon fucking Needles would, but no one else.

Sure, they were strictly platonic now, but every so often Alaska did wonder what would happen if they got back together. Now that they were used to the fame, both of them matured and polished, and more importantly older and experienced, what would be different? She knew Sharon was much more controlled in her alcohol consumption now. Could they work better now that so much had changed?

She shook herself out of it. That was toxic thinking. Best not to start wondering if they could work, when Sharon was over her now, finally. That would just make for one awkward mess that Alaska knew better than to let herself get into. Even if the thought was nicer than she cared to admit… a lot nicer.

Willam: Is this year’s Halloween Bash happening or what? Need to know asap.

Courtney: why, got a hot date? U can’t be ditching THE Halloween event for ur hubby

Willam: just wondering. I wanna get my costume sorted so that I can win jinkx’s costume contest and break Sharon’s winning streak once and for all.

Alaska: u really think u can beat Sharon’s 5 year streak?

Sharon: it’s impossible. Jinkx always lets me win cus I fucked her in the dressing room once.

Courtney: WHAT

Courtney: are u fucking with us omg

Courtney: SHARON

Sharon: kidding.

Sharon: it wasn’t the dressing room

Willam: Freaky cunt.

Sharon: why the hell would I fuck Jinkx? She just likes my costumes best cus I am the best. #beautifulspookyandstupid

Alaska: im telling jinkx

Courtney: ooooh snake

Sharon: that I told y’all I fucked her? She’ll be devastated. And probably horny too

Courtney: you wouldn’t reject her anyway

Sharon: dead girls never say no

Willam: I’m still gonna win.

-

Music throbbed from inside the house, which was decorated above and beyond. Alaska pulled up at the same time as Willam and Courtney, who crushed her in a hug.

“Girl, a rabbit, really? Could you get anymore cliché? Rabbits ain’t scary.” Willam judged, stepping back to look at Alaska’s outfit. She’d dug through her closet to find a tight black dress, and gone for a more simple look, accessorised with black bunny ears, her signature blonde hair and heels. She shoved Willam, pretending to be hurt by her critiques.

“What the fuck are you?” She drawled, laughing.

Willam did a twirl. She was painted neon orange, and dressed in an outfit seemingly made of nothing but white feathers and sequins.

“I’m Phi Phi.” She deadpanned, blinking her eyes in that ever so familiar mask on innocence. Alaska cracked up.

“Courtney, what are you?”

The Australian queen didn’t look as if she’d dressed up at all, she was just in everyday drag.

Courtney shrugged. “I’m Willam, I guess.”

“Take off your clothes, bitch!” Willam yelled. “I never wear that many layers.”

Courtney rolled her eyes, pushing Willam forwards into the party.

Inside, sweaty bodies ground against each other to the music. Strobe lighting in all kinds of witchy colours – greens, purples and oranges – set the Halloween mood, and decorations like coffins and cobwebs filled every available space. Amongst the crowd of partygoers, Alaska noticed a few familiar faces; Detox making out with someone in a corner and Adore laughing with some other queens. The AAA girls immediately grabbed a drink each – although Alaska made sure hers was non-alcoholic – and walked around, marvelling at the turnout.

“This year has to be even bigger than last year’s.” Courtney noted, impressed. From the other side of the room, Jinkx waved, before approaching the three. She’d dressed as if she were straight out of a painting.

“Hey, ladies! Enjoying the party?” She asked, ever the hospitable host.

“It’s great!” Alaska told her. “We just got here, and it looks even better than last year.”

Jinkx beamed. “Thanks. We got some amazing on here too – a little bit of yours, a little bit of Sharon’s, a little bit of mine… and classic Halloween.”

“Is Sharon here yet?” Alaska asked, the party atmosphere filling her with the same confidence that alcohol once had. “I have to see her costume.”

Sharon was impossible to find at these parties, usually. Her costumes were so elaborate that if you didn’t know what you were looking for, you could probably miss her; although the sheer effort that went into her looks usually drew people’s attention anyway. Alaska was itching to see her.

“Yeah,” Jinkx answered, a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “I saw her in the kitchen last, though who knows where she is. She could be in the bathroom doing lines by now.”

Alaska laughed. “See ya, Jinkx.”

Threading her way through the crowd, with Courtney and Willam long gone, Alaska made her way into the small kitchen. It wasn’t dark like the rest of the house, or as decorated. The fridge door was propped open, although most of the refreshments were in the other room. At the end of the room, Sharon leant against the counter, a cigarette in her mouth. Not noticing Alaska’s arrival, she blew the smoke out the window and laughed at something said to her from outside.

“Happy Halloween, Needles.” Alaska said.

Sharon turned. Alaska recognised her look instantly – a recreation of one from her famous ‘Dracula’ video. Alaska clapped, bursting into surprised, impressed laughter.

“You look fantastic!” She complimented, moving closer. Sharon grinned, tapping the ash from the end of her cigarette.

“Thanks, Alaska. Love the bunny costume.”

“You’re a liar and you’re drunk, Needles.”

“I am! But really, it looks great. If I could pull off a simple look, it would make life so much easier. Though I do love making really detailed costumes, you know me…”

She was off again. This was something Alaska loved about Sharon, even though Sharon didn’t even know she did it. Once you got her started on a topic, she talked and talked and talked. Some found it irritating, but with the combination of her intelligence and pleasing voice, it was nice to listen to. Alaska sat willingly through her rambling.

“When’s the costume competition?” Alaska questioned. “You entering?”

Sharon stretched out her magnificent, witchy Rupaul-esque cackle. “Honey, I enter and win every year. Can’t let anyone take my crown now.”

“Unlike Violet Chachki.” Alaska giggled. Sharon laughed amidst a sip of beer.

“Yeah! And Willam’s coming for me, so I gotta win to prove her wrong. What is she even dressed as?”

“Phi Phi.” Alaska told her, grinning. “All orange and white feathers. Frenemies challenge.”

Sharon brought the beer bottle to her lips again before answering. “Good one! Still think I’m gonna win. What do you think, Lasky?”

Alaska rolled her eyes. “Everyone knows you’ll win, Sharon. I’m still telling Jinkx what you said.”

Sharon chuckled. “I like black tea, I like black D…” She muttered softly.

“Hey!” She exclaimed, rubbing her arm where Alaska had flicked her. “That whole song is about being a shady ass snake!”

Alaska grinned. “That’s Jinkx. Go win the competition, Needles.”

“That’s a hauntingly familiar phrase. I could’ve sworn I’ve heard it before.”

Alaska shook her head at Sharon’s retreating figure. Yeah… these feelings came back every Halloween.

“Ladyboys and gentleman, thank you all for coming!” Jinkx announced into the microphone, putting on her best Rupaul voice. She stood at the top of the staircase, the sound systems either side of her on the balcony. The partygoers crowded beneath cheered.

This was Alaska’s favourite part of Jinkx’s parties. The Halloween costume competition was always hilarious, and it always seemed to go wrong one way or another. It was a guaranteed laugh for the night.

“As you know, every year I do a Halloween costume contest, and this year is no different. Let’s give a hand for our competitors!”

Detox, Katya, Violet, Sharon, Willam and Adore came forwards, each one striking a pose. Detox, a vision in black feathers, ran her hands down her shapely body. Katya winked and waved. Violet put on a show, emphasising her miniscule waist. Sharon did her usual, witchlike hand gestures. Willam displayed her ass – no surprise. Adore stuck her tongue out, posing like a rockstar. Cheers erupted from the crowd.

“I asked you all to vote earlier, and I put a poll on twitter, since I know how to do that now…” The audience laughed at Jinkx. “So-”

Willam interrupted her. “This shit is unfair.”

Sharon cackled. “Who won, Jinkx?”

Jinkx was quiet for a moment.

“Um… it’s a tie. Has everyone voted?” The Rupaul act dropped, the break in character eliciting even more laughs than before.

“Wait, I didn’t vote!” Alaska realised aloud, and giggled, waving her hand in the air. “I’ll go do that.”

She slipped away, scribbling the name on a piece of paper and handing it forwards. Willam mouthed not-so-subtly at her: VOTE WILLAM! Sharon just watched her, amused.

Jinkx took a moment to compose herself from her laughter before facing the crowd. “Rupaul’s back,” She told everyone. “I’m here.”

She coughed and impersonated Ru again. “Detox… Katya… you girls are both safe. You may step to the back of the party.”

The two queens pretended to be frustrated, just barely being able to hide their smiles.

“Willam, Adore Delano, Violet Chachki, Sharon Needles… you ladies represent the best and the worst of the party. It’s time for the judge’s critiques.”

Adore tried to not crack up, covering her mouth with her hands as her whole body shook.

“Willam. Your queen impersonation made us all laugh… but you did not serve Phi Phi O’Horror. I’m sorry my dear, but you are up for elimination.”

Willam mimed vomiting, providing gruesome sound effects. Next to her, Sharon doubled over in laughter.

“Adore Delano. I simply adore this outfit… but is it enough to be Jinkx’s Next Halloween Competition Superstar?”

Adore shrugged, laughing. “Party.”

“Violet Chachki. You’re cinched beyond compare…but you did not scare the judges. I’m sorry my dear, but you are up for elimination.”

Alaska clapped as Willam and Violet ‘sashayed away’, Willam screaming cusses at Jinkx and pretending to kick and scream her way down the staircase. The whole show was so predictable, so campy – so it was legendary.

“Sharon Needles. As usual, you killed the challenge…and brought it back to life.”

Sharon raised an eyebrow, side-eyeing Jinkx.

“Condragulations, you are the winner of this competition.”

This Club is a Haunted House began to play, and Alaska almost squealed with laughter, totally unsurprised. Sharon struck another pose, a black paper crown on her head awarded by Jinkx. The party resumed, continuing in full swing almost immediately. Willam and Courtney jabbed Alaska from behind, catching her by surprise.

“Fucking asshole. You put in the last vote for Sharon!” Willam accused.

Alaska laughed. “Had to carry on tradition! I’m still texting Jinkx though.”

Alaska: Jinkxy, did you know that Sharon told us the reason she always wins is cus she fucked u in a dressing room. That’s the T gurl.

She lifted her head and watched Jinkx at the top of the staircase, engrossed in a conversation with Sharon. She pulled her phone out from a pocket in her costume, swiping upwards to read Alaska’s message. Sharon looked over at the group of blonde queens, one eyebrow raised. A smirk formed on her face as Alaska stared back, a mask of indifference.

Sharon: you three can all suck my cock.

Willam: one of us here already did. There’s videos and everything.

Alaska: ;)

Courtney: Ew

Willam: Sorry Max.

Sharon: I know what you’ve just texted Jinkx, bitches.

Courtney: Alaska texted it.

Sharon: SNAKE

Alaska began to ascend the stairs towards Sharon and Jinkx, her face still stony. Sharon bared her fake fangs as she approached.

“’Jinkxy, did you know…’” Jinkx read aloud. “’…that Sharon told us the reason she always wins is because she fucked you in a dressing room. That’s the tea girl.’”

For a second, no one said anything. Jinkx swiped a stray piece of hair away from her face.

“Sharon, you weren’t supposed to tell anyone about that! That was our little agreement!” She chastised.

Sharon laughed. “Alaska, I hate you.”

“Wanna dance?” Alaska tried.

“Fuck yes.”

They left Jinkx to laugh by herself, heading back down towards the party. Sharon’s paper crown was lopsided, leaning to the left of her head, so she took it off and scrunched it into a ball. Alaska gasped.

“You ruined your sixth crown!” She protested.

Sharon chuckled. “Shit like that happens to all my crowns. Even my season four one.”

“I see you’re still salty about that.”

“I see you’re still a snake.”

“I see you still talk too much.”

Sharon placed a hand over her chest and gasped in reminiscence of a telenovela. “How dare you, Thunderfuck?”

“I FEEL VERY ATTACKED!” Alaska shot back.

Sharon lightly shoved her. “I see you still know everything about drag race history.”

“I see you’re still single.”

That caught Sharon off guard. She turned her head sharply, the smile fading from her face.

“And you’re not?” She asked.

Alaska knew what she was doing. Toying with her. Playing a dangerous game. But Alaska could do dangerous. She’d almost missed the thrill of danger, the scent of it that lurked around whenever Sharon was near. It gave her a rush that nothing else could supply, straight to her veins.

“I am.”

Two could play at this game.

“So dance with me, then.”

Alaska stared for a moment, refusing to back down. It wasn’t like she was going to give up, so she accepted the challenge.

Sirens blared outside. The music shut off. A few sharp, short knocks sounded on the door.

“OPEN THE DOOR, THIS IS THE POLICE.”


	2. Chapter 2

Sharon lost her cool immediately.

“Oh, fuck.” She cursed. The plastic cup of beer in her hand slipped to the floor, spilling at her feet, but she didn’t seem to notice.

“What’s the problem?” Alaska asked, watching Sharon in concern.

The older queen didn’t respond. Her face contorted into an expression of sheer panic as her eyes darted around, zeroing in on Jinkx. Immediately, she began to tear towards her, leaving Alaska no choice but to follow her.

“JINKX!” Sharon shouted. Jinkx ran all the way down the steps, looking worried.

“The police?” She asked. Sharon nodded.

“What do we do? I’m not going to jail again, fuck that!” Sharon yelled.

Alaska turned. “Why would they arrest you?”

“Drugs.” Jinkx said, gesturing with her head, and Sharon nodded. “I’ll deal with them, it’s my party. You two and anyone else you can find, get out through the back.”

Sharon grabbed Alaska’s hand, pulling her through the swarms of people. Bodies around them raced in all different directions; some towards the back, some upstairs, some hiding in adjacent rooms. Alaska fought her way through along with Sharon, blindly stumbling through the crowd until they found the back exit.

Sharon surged through it first, the threat of arrest for her illegal substances clearly terrifying her more than she wanted to let on. She was faster than Alaska anticipated, dragging her behind as she ran through the streets, getting as far away from Jinkx’s as she possibly could.

They came to a stop at the back of a cheap looking motel. There was just one car in the parking lot, a shoddy-looking 80s model in blue. Sharon leant against a dumpster, panting from the run.

“Sorry,” She wheezed. “Had… to get away. These drugs are expensive.”

Alaska smiled weakly, her chest heaving up and down. She didn’t mention anything about the drugs, even though the idea made her slightly uncomfortable still. She was clean, and sober, whereas Sharon was far from it. But her mind was elsewhere – mainly on her hand, which was still entwined with Sharon’s. Either she hadn’t noticed or she didn’t care, but she was still gripping on tightly, her nails digging into Alaska’s palm.

Just as Alaska was about to pull away, Sharon did, pulling an apologetic smile and pressing her forehead against the cool brick that the dumpster was backed against.

“Sorry, Lasky. I’m shaken. I just needed that.” She said quietly.

Those words pierced Alaska’s heart. Each one felt like a stab wound to the chest.

“You don’t have to apologise.” She replied. “I needed it too. Sometimes a human touch is all you need.”

Sharon swallowed. “Right. D-do you want to get a room? We can’t really go anywhere else tonight.”

“Sure.” She said. “Let’s go.”

They walked out from the back alley to the front of the motel. Crappy neon lights decorated the front, the signs moth-eaten and rotting. A pale bluish-white lamp illuminated the inside, where the only indication that the motel was open was a woman at the front desk.

She did a double take when she saw them, jolting out of her trance-like state to see those two strangely dressed men stood before her.

“You got any rooms?” Alaska asked, feeling slightly intimidated by the sheer roughness of the area.

The woman studied them both for a minute. “Only one.” She told them, her voice rasping and weak like a smoker’s.

“That’s fine.” Alaska said hurriedly, throwing some money on the counter. In truth, she just wanted to get out of the motel’s eerie silent lobby. The woman gave her a key and pointed lazily to a stairwell behind her. Sharon followed her up it, for once not making a snide comment about the quality of the place.

“Room 4.” She announced, pulling out the key and unlocking the door. It creaked open to reveal a small room, with a musty-smelling floral carpet, cheaply-made curtains and a bed in the centre of the room. It had two small pillows on it, and a lumpy duvet and quilt. In the corner, a miniscule kitchenette stood abandoned, almost completely consumed by damp and mould.

“Mmm.” Sharon murmured. “Smells like our old apartment.”

Despite the situation, Alaska laughed. “It does!” She agreed.

Mould and damp, old carpet, dusty curtains and cheap beer wasn’t exactly the most aromatic of scents, but it brought back memories. The days before drag race, when it was a struggle to pay rent. When it was a choice between having electricity or cat litter. When it came to owning working stove or a working shower.

“I almost think that times were easier back then.” Sharon mused. “It was a complete nightmare trying to pay bills but we made everything work.”

Neither of them said it, but they both knew that a bitterconnotation about their relationship hid in her words. Alaska refused to let herself get hopeful.

“I don’t know if I’d go back to then, though. Life was so different.” She muttered.

Sharon didn’t meet her eyes. “I’d go back in a heartbeat.” She said softly. “These days, I’m just an entitled bitch who looks like a cheap Raven impersonator and got everything she wanted except for what she really needed. Would I trade the last few years to go back to being poor but happy? Without a doubt.”

You’re drunker than I realized, Alaska thought. Like Sharon would really say that, or even think it. If she brought it up the next morning, when Sharon was sober, she’d probably laugh and say the opposite. It stung.

“I know what you’re thinking, Lasky.” Sharon continued. “I’m drunk. Which I am. And I’m a little bit high, and I feel like I’m floating now that everything in my system is starting to kick in. But you have to know that I’m telling you the truth, because my filter is gone. I’d rather be broke than broken up.”

A lump formed in Alaska’s throat. “Shut up.” She whispered, squeezing her eyes closed.

“Lasky-”

“Shut up!” Alaska said again. She tried to say it louder, but her voice betrayed her and it only came out as a strangulated squeak. A rogue tear rolled down her cheek.

“You always did this.” Alaska said. “I always felt bad because you have such a big heart and you go on rambles like this. Of course I miss us. But you’re high and you’re drunk and I can’t be hearing this from you right now.”

Such pains she hadn’t felt since that fateful night in December. Of course Alaska wanted nothing more than to try again, to restart the fucked up mess that was the tattered remains of their love. But not now. Not when Sharon was practically incapacitated.

“I was engaged.” Sharon said. “A while back. Didn’t get round to telling anybody. I couldn’t bring myself to marry him, it wasn’t right. Because when he said ‘I love you’ I couldn’t say it back. A piece of you never left me.”

Alaska let out a sob. “You can’t say all this now, Sharon.”

“Then when can I say it, Alaska?!”

Sharon finally met her eyes, and Alaska saw that they were wet with tears. She looked fragile, like any minute she would crumble into a million pieces. Try as she might, she couldn’t will an argument to pass through her lips. Sharon let out a defeated sigh and lay down on the carpet.

“You take the bed.” She yawned. “I’m fine down here.”

“But-” Alaska started to protest.

“No.” Sharon persisted. “Goodnight, Lasky.”

It wasn’t until the early hours of the morning, when Sharon was fast asleep, that Alaska found the courage to say it back.

“Goodnight, Noodles.”

-

Morning came quicker than Alaska would have hoped. The first thing she did, before allowing her eyes to get used to the cursed winter sun, was check her phone.

Willam: Alaska did u make it home safe? Did Sharon?

Courtney: Yeah, shit got weird after you left. Everything good?

Courtney: we tried calling u both but u didn’t answer. Txt or call when u get this plz. Don’t make us worry.

Alaska: Hieee, sorry about worrying you. Ended up at a crappy motel with Sharon, we’re okay. What happened?

Courtney: Jinkx had to deal with the police. Said we were too loud and shit, they had suspicions of illegal activity. Most of us got away okay, Jinkx isn’t in any trouble, but the party had to shut down because some queen left a blunt behind. Think it’s okay tho.

Alaska: glad we got away.

Willam: is Sharon awake?

Alaska: she’s passed out on the floor currently.

Courtney: ah. They do say not to mix drugs and alcohol.

Willam: she does it all the time, you know this.

Alaska: I wish she wouldn’t.

Willam: you wish everyone wouldn’t.

Courtney: in fairness drugs are pretty bad. Alcohol is okay in moderation.

Sharon: queen is awake thanks to ur non-stop texting.

Alaska looked over at the floor. Sharon was still sprawled across it, her legs twisted awkwardly and her wig a knotted mess, with her phone in her hand. She didn’t look at Alaska.

Sharon: drugs aren’t that bad. I ain’t dead yet. You bitches got home safe, I take it?

Courtney: yeah, we did.

Sharon: we? Oh, I get it. u fucked again.

Courtney: what?!

Willam: she’s good, I tell ya.

Alaska: when I’m good I’m good, but when I’m bad I get a serious venereal disease

Willam: all stars 2 ho.

Courtney: omg lmao

Courtney: as if I’d sleep with willam tho.

Willam: nah, we actually just watched movies and fell asleep eating fries.

Sharon: how cute. Im gagging.

Courtney: I hate you two.

Willam: you love me.

Sharon: it’s my job to be hated.

Courtney: Alaska, u still here?

Sharon stood up shakily, brushing herself off with distaste. She staggered into the adjoining bathroom, leaving her phone on the dusty carpet.

Alaska: im here. Sharon’s reliving last night in the toilet bowl

Courtney: ew, nice.

Willam: a true party animal.

Courtney: she’s gagging

Reliving last night. As soon as she even sent that text – a mere joke – the more serious parts of the night began to flood back to her. She tried to push it to the back of her mind, but it kept coming back.

From the bathroom, she heard retching. Sympathetic, she got up and walked in, standing behind Sharon and moving her wig out of her face as she knelt over the toilet. A few minutes passed before Sharon straightened again.

“Sorry, that was gross.” She apologised.

“It’s okay.” Alaska said.

The tension was so thick it could have been cut by a knife. It was palpable, alive. It became glaringly obvious that both parties remembered last night’s events, though neither wanted to bring it up. Sharon stood up and exited the room, saying nothing. Alaska waited a moment, before hearing Sharon’s voice on the phone.

“Hey, Jinkx…”

She left the bathroom and watched Sharon, who was leaning against the cracked breakfast counter with her phone pressed to her ear. Her wig was uneven, probably from sleeping on the floor.

“Everything was okay? Good, good. Yeah, I’m okay.”

They spoke for a few more minutes, whilst Alaska checked her phone again. Willam and Courtney had texted her in a separate chat, with just the three of them.

Willam: what’s the t?

Courtney: slow down willam

Alaska: I dont wanna talk about it

Courtney: did u like…sleep together?

Alaska: NO

Willam: is everything cool? U two have been friends w each other for ages. Did u fight?

Alaska: kinda

Alaska: she was drunk and high, it doesn’t matter. I dont wanna talk about it

Courtney: if you dont tell us now we’ll ask u in person later <3

Alaska: feel free. I just dont wanna talk about it yet.

Willam: can we get the general gist of what happened? If you’re okay with that.

Alaska: Sharon talks too much. we all know that.

Courtney: right, once she gets going she doesn’t stop

Alaska: yeah. and all alcohol and drugs do to a loose tongue is loosen it further

Alaska: she talks too much. that’s the t

Sharon was still talking on the phone. A flash of irritation came over Alaska. She talks too much. It was true – she wouldn’t be feeling this way if Sharon hadn’t opened her mouth. Every October 31st, the seasonal atmosphere made her feel slightly reminiscent of her, but now it was November 1st and she was all fucked up over something Sharon had said. If you’d just closed your mouth, Alaska thought. If you’d just have shut up. Then things wouldn’t have had to change. But they will change now.

The queen in question finished her call and tried to set her wig straight. She saw Alaska looking at her and tensed.

“I called an Uber.” She said. “I can get it to drop you back at yours, if you want.”

Alaska nodded. “Thanks.”

“No problem. It should be here any minute.”

She could feel the conversation dying, sputtering out like the embers of a fire. The two queens stood awkwardly, both trying to ignore the elephant in the room.

“So we’re just not gonna talk about it, then?” Alaska stated.

Sharon winced. “Huh?”

“Don’t play games with me. You know what I’m talking about.” Her voice took on a serious tone.

“Alaska, please. Listen, I was drun-”

Alaska let out a laugh, a mirthless sound riddled with pain. “I knew it. I fucking knew it all along.”

Sharon’s eyes were brimming with unshed tears. “You’re not letting me finish, Alaska. I-”

“I’m not listening to this! I’m done with this, I’m done with these conversations! We were fine until you fucked it up!” Alaska yelled.

She was shaking with anger, wanting nothing more than to tear Sharon to shreds with her words. This was them; yelling at screaming at each other. This was their dynamic. Some things felt as if they would never change, and the anger welling below the surface served to prove that. She wanted Sharon to scream back, to get angry and red-faced the way she used to. Maybe then, even though they had moved past that stage long ago, things would feel ordinary again.

Sharon didn’t scream. She stood perfectly still, silently crying but making no effort to wipe away the steady stream of tears. Her chin trembled.

“This situation feels hauntingly familiar.” She said, her voice so muffled that Alaska barely heard it, but it hit her like a ton of bricks. “Me and you. Fighting in a motel. T-those exact words.”

Alaska said nothing.

“We were fine until you fucked it up.” Sharon repeated. “Those words fucked me up for so long after we broke up. You have no fucking idea.”

She took a deep breath in, turning away from Alaska for a few moments. She saw her shoulders heaving as she dried the tears on her face, before turning to face her again.

“I know what I did wrong then, and I’m not going to do it again now. I won’t scream at you so you can get a sense of normality, like I would back then. Goodbye, Alaska.”

The door to the motel closed behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

\- Sharon Needles has left the chat -

Willam: what the fuck

Courtney: what just happened omg

Courtney: Alaska

Courtney: Alaska what the fuck just happened

Courtney: ur with her right? what’s going on

Courtney: is she ok? Are u okay?

Courtney: Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 you better talk

Willam: why did Sharon leave wtf?

Courtney: Alaska

Courtney: ALASKA  
Courtney: talk to us

Courtney: call me

Courtney: text me when ur home we’re coming over

Alaska’s first thought was that she should apologise. That fateful night, three long years ago, played in her mind like a sick flashback.

“Jesus Christ, Alaska, Michelle Visage isn’t a fucking fortune teller. You can’t listen to everything she says. The fans love it when we perform together.” Sharon said, swigging from her beer bottle.

Alaska crossed her arms. “I don’t think Michelle is a fortune teller. But she’s smart. She wants what’s best for us.”

Sharon scoffed. “She has our best interests at heart, eh Alaska? Like when she read you for filth in ten out of thirteen episodes?”

Alaska sucked in a sharp breath. “There’s no fucking need for that, Sharon. And yes, she does have our best interests at heart.”

Sharon laughed but there was no happiness in the sound. “Like when she tells me I should stop doing lines.”

“You should.”

Sharon rolled her eyes. “Whatever. So tell me, Alaska dearest,” She mocked, her voice sardonic, “What does Madame Visage think of me, hmm?”

Alaska narrowed her eyes into slits. “Stop being such an asshole, Sharon. It’s not cute.”

“I’m genuine!” Sharon protested, her mockery becoming meaner and meaner as she drank more. “Tell me.”

“She thinks you’re a no-good alcoholic who abused her power, by taking the crown and not doing shit to inspire her fans. She thinks you mistreat your fans by spitting on them and ignoring them at meet and greets when they stand in lines for hours waiting to get a glimpse of you. She thinks you steal the limelight from everyone else and yet you don’t even work hard to deserve it, earn it or put on a good show. She thinks your work ethic has gone down the drain along with all the money you put into your face and body via needles. She thinks you’re a drunken, conniving, ignorant bastard who doesn’t give a shit about the people who would bend over backwards for you.” Alaska spat each word.

For a moment, there was silence.

“Sounds like me.” Sharon mused. Then, without warning, she threw the empty beer bottle against the wall with as much force as she could muster. It smashed into pieces and caused Alaska’s heart to skip a beat.

“Only I asked what Michelle thought, not you. You hateful piece of shit.”

Alaska couldn’t control it. Her hand, almost on its own accord, balled into a fist and punched Sharon in the gut.

“You cunt!” She cursed, stumbling backwards into the broken glass as she clutched her stomach. Unbalanced from being so drunk, she slipped into it, causing tiny cuts on the side of her face. Alaska gasped. Sharon struggled to her feet and swung her fist back at Alaska.

“Well you wanna know what I think of you? I think you’re a lying, useless, talentless scumbag who relies on her more famous friends to gain fans and thinks that I don’t know about the guys you’ve fucked behind my back. I think you’re a jealous and helpless fucking child who needs to be mothered and coddled by Michelle Visage despite the fact that you have a support system who would do anything for you. I think you’re a petty drag queen forgetting that we were both on the same fucking show and we’re not worlds apart. I think you’re a childish, complaining bitch who claims I’m never home because of work and then has the audacity to say I don’t work hard at shows. And I didn’t need to check with Michelle Visage before forming that opinion!”

Sharon didn’t need to hit her again because every word was like a slap to the face. Her tone was sharp and the words stung like salt in a wound. Her collarbone throbbed where Sharon had struck her, but the sight of Sharon – slightly hazy with the alcohol in her system, but nevertheless unmistakeable – bleeding and panting and drunk, made her heart feel heavy.

“Glad we had this talk! Real fucking glad!” She shouted, shoving Sharon as hard as she could so she toppled over the kitchen counter. Her black nails clutched the edge of the countertop, grasping it desperately to keep herself upright.

“This is your fucking problem, Alaska! Say what you want, but you love fighting! You fucking love shouting at me and getting me to shout back!” Sharon screamed.

“How fucking dare you!” Alaska hissed. “You know that I love you, Sharon.”

Sharon shook her head. “Exactly. That’s why we have to break up.”

“No! Please!” Alaska begged. “We can work this out, we can!”

“You just punched me in the gut and shoved me into broken glass and the fucking countertop. You love me, sure. We can work this out? Never. I want to, of course I fucking do. Fuck me if I’m listening to Michelle Visage, but this time I am.”

Before Alaska could even formulate a response, she bottled it. Without the courage to say another word, she walked straight out of the apartment and didn’t look back.

Her walking out like that must have made Sharon feel fucking awful. The image of Sharon’s retreating figure from mere moments ago was already enough to haunt her, so her exit all those years ago must have tormented her. But how could she apologise now? After the old fight, and the new one… she wasn’t sure she could face Sharon again. Sharon, who was dumb enough to still carry a torch for her name. Sharon, who had broken her own heart as well as Alaska’s, all for Alaska’s benefit. Sharon, who never received any help for her alcoholism and drug abuse and as a result, simply continued it. Sharon, who was crazy because she was Sharon fucking Needles and the bitch was unpredictable.

Slowly, her face still stony with the aftershock, Alaska made her way out of the suffocating motel room and into the lobby. Daylight did the dingy room no favours, only accentuating the non-human inhabitants, like spiders and rats. She grimaced at the sight of it.

“Hey, are you Alaska?” The woman at the desk grunted. Alaska nodded.

“Taxi’s waiting out there for ya. S’already paid for, knows where it’s going. Your friend told me to tell ya ‘bout it when she came down about ten minutes ago.”

Alaska mumbled her thanks and ducked her head as she walked out, not speaking a word even to the taxi driver as he drove away. As if trying to make her feel more guilty; Sharon had only gone and paid for her to get a taxi home. Of course only she could make matters worse.

Her phone buzzed.

Willam: Sorry that we’re bugging you, but even I’m getting anxious.

Alaska: My fault. Don’t worry.

Alaska: Some shit went on that was all down to me. Things aren’t good, but I’m okay.

Alaska: Meet you both @ the star cafe after BOTS rehearsal?

Courtney: thank god ur okay. I’ll be at rehearsal but can’t do cafe after. Guessing u dont wanna talk about it at rehearsal

Alaska: nope

Willam: I cant make it to cafe either :/

Alaska: that’s ok, it isn’t urgent. We can talk another time about it.

After a short while driving, the taxi pulled up outside the BOTS rehearsal venue and Alaska got out, her legs trembling. At least, she thought to herself, Sharon would probably miss this one.

Stepping inside, she was greeted by a sensory overload. She could smell pungent makeup and worn pantyhose and sweaty men and the burning smell from the lights and the strange mustiness of the curtains. She could hear Jinkx singing and Michelle livestreaming and Detox laughing and Katya wheezing and… of course, Sharon talking in her usual loud, overpowering voice. She looked fresher and cleaner than earlier, in her blonde ponytail wig and usual blue performance outfit. The sound of her voice made Alaska’s blood run cold.

Doing her best to shake herself out of her rouse, she cursed herself internally for thinking Sharon would miss the rehearsal. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Sharon never misses rehearsals, whether she’s drunk or hungover or anything. She never misses them!

She settled in the corner of the room, spreading her makeup out and beginning to paint. It was the perfect spot, really – secluded enough to be out of the view of Michelle’s periscope stream, but open enough for her to be able to see and hear everything that was going on nearby her. Sharon and Michelle were conversing loudly, their hilariously-similar, raucous laughter ricocheting off the walls.

“Ooh, ooh!” She heard Sharon exclaim. “MORE heart bubbles, more, more, more! More heart bubbles!”

Michelle smiled. “The heart bubbles love you, Sharon.”

“Oh-h-h-h, Michelle.” Sharon responded in her impeccable Joan River’s impersonation, and Michelle screeched with laughter.

Their antics usually made Alaska laugh, but given the circumstances she couldn’t even force a smile. Looking at herself in the mirror, she tried to pull a face that was a little less sour.

She just didn’t understand it. However, now wasn’t the time to be thinking about Sharon. BOTS prep meant professionalism, and if there was one thing Alaska could do, it was put all of her heart and soul into performing. A few minutes passed, and seeing that most of the queens were in full drag, Michelle ended her livestream and stood up to address them all.

“Ladies, gather outside by the stage, please, so we can talk before we begin.”

The queens stood together in a crescent shape, and Alaska made her way to stand next to Courtney, who squeezed her arm and smiled. Their flashy, gaudy outfits looked peculiar in daylight, but Alaska knew that the vivid purples, reds, blues and greens all looked amazing under the spotlights. Her pink gown was less unusual than the rest, but it still looked extremely vibrant in daylight.

Michelle joined them moments later, dressed in her Ursula opening look. “Just before we begin the rehearsal, I wanted to talk to you all about this tour.” She began.

“You all know the choreography, I know, so we’re just gonna do a few run-throughs. My expectations of you guys haven’t changed, but I’m going to run through them anyways. Since I know all about Jinkxy’s Halloween party and it’s a good way to explain it, I’ll say this. I know I can’t stop you from drinking, because you’re fucking drag queens, but don’t ever be drunk on stage. As for illegal substances, because I’ve heard stories…”  
Michelle and the rest of the queens directed their gaze to Sharon, who pretended to hang her head in shame. They all laughed.

“None of it, alright? I know some of you girls like your coke-”

“Sharon.” Someone coughed.

“-and some of you like your pills-”

“Sharon.” Someone else coughed.

“-and your weed.”

This time, several names were thrown out into the cacophony of whispers. Michelle shook her head fondly.

“As always, no drugs on tour. If it will get you in trouble with the police, it will get you in trouble with me. That’s all. Who’s ready to rehearse?”

Alaska took her place on stage. The familiar song began to play, introducing each queen as they came forwards. She tried to look away as Sharon came forwards last, her body absolutely snatched in the short, figure-hugging dress she wore. Professionalism, she reminded herself, and let herself get lost in the choreography.

Just as Michelle was belting out the last note of ‘Poor Unfortunate Queens’, Alaska’s concentration broke and she came back into reality, having been so absorbed in rehearsing that she’d almost gone into autopilot. The song finished, and the queens broke into applause, most of them commenting to one another about Michelle’s outstanding voice. Queens began to leave the stage in dribs and drabs, filtering away slowly until Sharon, Jinkx, Michelle and Alaska were the only ones who remained.

“I think my favourite part of that song is when Michelle says ‘Boo!’ to you,” Jinkx laughed, nudging Sharon.

Sharon grinned. “Or in the other version when she says ‘Let me guess, party city?’ It’s fucking legendary.”

Michelle laughed along with the other two queens, but as they exited the stage, she looked back and saw Alaska stood on her own. She waited a moment, until Jinkx and Sharon were out of earshot, and then doubled back.

“You okay, Lasky?” Michelle asked, adopting a motherly tone as she called Alaska by her fond nickname. Alaska swallowed and shook her head.

“Come here, baby.”

There was nothing like a hug from Michelle Visage to make your emotions break free like a horse on a racetrack. There was no doubt in it that Michelle treated Alaska like she was her own daughter, but in moments like these she was eternally glad for it.

“What’s going on?”

Alaska rubbed her eyes and sniffed. “I had an argument with Sharon.”

Michelle guided her to the edge of the stage, where they both sat down and Michelle’s arm rested on Alaska’s shoulders.

“Talk to mama Michelle.” She said softly, a hint of a smile in her voice.

Taking a deep breath, Alaska relayed the previous night’s events. God, had it only been one night? It was only November 1st? It felt like it had happened weeks ago, yet at the same time it was so fresh that it stung like an open wound. Alaska could feel the lump in her throat growing as she confessed, grossly honest, everything that both she and Sharon had said. When she was done, she studied Michelle’s face for a reaction.

Michelle merely hummed for a few seconds, thinking. After her deliberation, she let out a defeated sigh and hugged Alaska close to her.

“I worry about that girl,” She said lowly. “I really do. She’s absolutely lovely, and such a star, but I do worry about her.”

Alaska nodded. “She just… came out with it. I freaked.”

“I understand.” Michelle reassured her. “I think Sharon needs to take some time to think things over, without all that alcohol and business clouding her mind.”

“Do you-” The words got caught in Alaska’s throat. “Do you think there was any… truth, in what she was saying?”

“Possibly. It doesn’t sound like drunk bullshit that she comes out with. It has to come from somewhere.”

Michelle paused before continuing. “Do you want there to be any truth in her words?”

Alaska fell silent. Did she? Their relationship was toxic. Friendship had been healthier for them – occasionally tense, but not often – whereas their previous relationship had been described by almost everyone as poisonous. Surely she didn’t want that?

“If you have to think about your answer, then I think your answer is clear.” Michelle said wisely. “You two should talk. Give Sharon some time, and I’ll speak to her in the meantime about her drinking. Then you two should talk it out.”

Michelle gave Alaska one last hug before leaving her alone with her thoughts.

Courtney: sorry I couldn’t meet you. Everything good?

Alaska: had a nice therapeutic chat with mama m. Feeling okay

Willam: can we get a tl;dr on the Sharon t?

Alaska: in short, Sharon told me that she still loves me when she was crossed last night. This morning I freaked and yelled. We argued and things got ugly on my end. She stayed calm and walked out. It was pretty bad.

Willam: yikes

Courtney: … that’s why she left the chat

Alaska: I dont blame her. it wasn’t cute

Willam: can I make an all stars 2 joke?

Alaska: fuckin bitch

Courtney: well you can talk to us anytime. Is it gonna be awk on BOTS?

Willam: I didn’t even think of that

Alaska: hope not. Thinking of talking to her before BOTS or at BOTS so we can get it out of the way.

Willam: do you like her still?

Alaska: idk

Courtney: I see

The open dressing room was vacated when Alaska made her way back to de-drag. She was just finished taking the makeup off when she noticed the door to one of the offices was ajar, and voices were coming from behind it.

“I figured you’d bring it up at some point.” Sharon.

“You know how I feel about drinking, girl.” Michelle.

“I won’t get blackout drunk on tour. I’ve learnt from my mistakes.”

“I’m glad. You were real rough a few years back.”

“Don’t I know it.”

“Just don’t do anything stupid. I mean it, girl. You know you concern me.”

“I know. It’s not my intention to prematurely age you, honestly.”

Laughter.

“Just… Sharon. I want you to be mindful of everything this year. Maybe cut down on the drinking.”

“All in moderation?”

“Exactly. You know I don’t drink, girl. Since I was-”

“Twenty one. Mama Michelle, role model.”

“Shut it, you.”

“What’s this really about, anyway? I know it’s not just about my bad habits. Though you haven’t brought up smoking yet.”

“You’ll get lung cancer, you silly witch.”  
“Avoiding the question…”

“Alright, girl. One word.”

“Alaska.”

“Yes. Listen-”

“No.” Sharon’s tone changed. “That’s not what I meant. Alaska.”

“Sharon, what-”

“Alaska, if you want to listen to the conversation, just come in here.”

Alaska’s face flushed an impossible shade of scarlet. There was no way Sharon could see her through the door; she was angled away from it.

“Intuition, Alaska. I don’t need to see you to know you’re there.”

“Sharon-” Michelle chastised.

Gingerly, Alaska edged the door open, standing like a lost puppy with her head bowed.

“Sor-” She began.

“Don’t.” Sharon cut her off, offering a tired smile and rubbing her temples. “We can talk when I’m not hungover. I’m off.”

For the second time that day, Sharon Needles walked out on Alaska. And for the second time that day, it hurt.


	4. Chapter 4

In Alaska’s opinion, the only effective therapy from a difficult situation was work. It didn’t cost her any money; in fact she earned money from it. It required professionalism and poise, meaning that when she was up on stage it was only right for her to leave her emotions at home. It was with her friends, so she always had someone to laugh with and distract herself. On top of that, it was so busy busy busy that there was no time to focus on emotions, or problems. When you’re trapped on a bus, then a plane, then another bus, then another plane, all of your emotional baggage is left behind in favour of your wigs, dresses and heels. A few rehearsals had gone by and now, finally, the cast of BOTS was back on the road.

Alaska threw her suitcases onto the bed of her hotel room and kicked off her shoes. Being cooped up on a bus with a bunch of crazy, sweaty, dirty drag queens was something that Alaska was used to, but that didn’t make it at all pleasant. Knowing what Phi Phi’s farts smelt like, and Manila’s burps, and Detox’s breath – it was the kind of strange information she and all the others picked up over spending so much time with one another. As a group they loved working together, but boy did Alaska like this alone time.

She meandered into the bathroom, fiddling with the buttons on the shower until it sprayed her with freezing cold water. Once she was satisfied with the temperature (and already soaking wet), she let the water of an unfamiliar shower wash away her exterior, leaving only the stress she hadn’t even realised was built up inside her.

Sharon. That was the root of the issue. As usual, her mind searched desperately for a way to blame everything on her, but the few morals she had left told her it was futile. If only you hadn’t been so… Sharon Needles. Maybe then I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you, and then you wouldn’t have fallen in love with me, and then everything would be fine. Her mind raced as she thought of all of their recent interactions. Sharon had said ‘We can talk when I’m not hungover.’ Though it made her feel horrible, Alaska wasn’t sure if she wanted Sharon to keep drinking or stop. This ‘talk’ could change everything, for better or for worse. Would she prefer it if Sharon kept drinking so it didn’t have to happen? Or for her to be sober once and have it happen?

She stepped out from the shower, starting to towel herself dry. This was eating her alive. A brief piece of advice that Michelle had once given her came to mind: If you keep waiting for the inevitable, the wait will make you more and more nervous. It’s like when you know you have to do something you don’t want to, like a speech, so you wait for someone to pick you and make you do it. It’s less nerve-wracking if you take control of the situation, and you’ll be more confident. Take the reins, choose to do it, and go forwards.

Maybe she should talk to Sharon. After all; it was inevitable that they’d have to speak, no matter how much she wanted to avoid it. They had to perform together, for fuck’s sake. Michelle would be proud. Alaska made up her mind to speak to Sharon after they’d all eaten.

Willam: u arrived in the hotel yet? No one ever tells me anything

Courtney: yes we have, drama queen.

Willam: *drag queen, ho.

Willam: is it awkward yet?

Courtney: what?

Alaska: oh my god Willam

Courtney: …

Courtney: WILLAM

Willam: #ohnoshebettadid

Alaska: lmao we haven’t spoke yet

Willam: that lmao is a lie. Ur staring at ur phone deadpan, dont lie to me queen

Alaska: #exposed

Willam: #likeyodick

Courtney: I hate you two.

Alaska: #mydick? #comingfromyou?

Willam: #neediremindyou #letshaveakaikai #servingdicktonightnight

Courtney: I thought it was serving fish?

Willam: you haven’t seen that video, have you?

Courtney: what video?

Alaska: I haven’t seen it either tbh

Willam: yes but you were the one getting blown in it

Courtney: wait what

Alaska: #huntyitsjustakaikai

Courtney: I’m going to leave like Sharon did

Alaska: or like how Willam did.

Willam: OH NO SHE BETTA DON’T

Alaska: #ohnoshebettadid

Willam: I hate you two.

Alaska: Werk.

Alaska smiled as she put her phone in the back of her jeans. At least, if this conversation went horribly wrong – which was a possibility – she had these amazing, dumbass friends to lean on.

Her phone said 6.00pm, so she left her room and headed to the restaurant. At the beginning of every tour, without fail, Michelle made everyone come together to have a meal and talk, relax and enjoy themselves before the workload crushed them all. It had become something of a tradition amongst them, even the trivial matters. Courtney always turned up in drag, although nobody else did. Sharon was always late. Detox always wore a turquoise shirt – a different one each time, but the same colour. Bits and pieces like that happened like clockwork.

By the time Alaska made it, only a few queens were missing. The restaurant was full of people, most of them staring at the large group of men headed by one woman (or two? Courtney was passable.) She took her seat between Michelle and Detox, grinning as she greeted everyone.

“Some things never change.” Michelle joked dryly, jabbing a thumb in the direction of the empty seat next to her. Everybody laughed.

“I’m telling you, clockwork.” Detox continued. “Give it exactly two minutes.”

Conversations broke out amongst the group, whom waiters had decided to steer clear of until absolutely necessary. Two minutes passed, and-

“Hi! I’m here, I’m late again, sorry, I just got caught up and-”

Detox’s uproarious laugh prompted the rest of the queens, even Alaska, to laugh at the sight of a frazzled Sharon. She ducked her head in a mockery of shyness and took her seat by Michelle.

“The meal is pre-ordered, right?” Sharon checked. “Like we don’t have to wait forever, do we? I’m fucking starving.”

“No, we don’t have to wait, it’s ordered.” Michelle replied.

“I thought cocaine made you lose your appetite?” Jinkx teased.

Sharon cackled. “It does! But weed makes you hungry.”

Michelle rolled her eyes.

-

With their plates cleared, most of the talking had flared up again amongst the queens.

“Care to go for a smoke, Michelle?” Sharon offered, grinning mischievously.

Michelle smacked her arm. “Funny, Needles. You know I don’t smoke.”

The blonde laughed and rose from her seat. “Or drink, or do drugs, or have sex with white guys, or have intercourse with anyone who isn’t a gay male…”

Alaska: talked to Michelle a few days ago. She thinks i should talk to Sharon abt everything.

Courtney, next to her, inclined her head slightly.

Willam: u gonna do it?

Alaska: think so. Don’t want it to be awkward.

Courtney: she just went for a smoke break, btw willam. This could be a good time to do it.

Willam: depends on what she’s smoking.

Alaska: that’s what i was thinking.

Alaska: not about what she’s smoking. I meant now would be a good time.

Willam: good luck. She’s a fuckin mess

Alaska: we match

Courtney: eww

Willam: das gay

Alaska: so are all of us

Alaska: #thisboyisabottom

Courtney: that’s the t gurl

Willam: i aint gonna #rupaulogize

Courtney: why do you make me suffer like this

Courtney: fucking hashtags

Courtney: #uckfoff

Alaska left her seat and exited the restaurant. Outside, people milled around, standing and groups and talking as they drank their expensive beers. Each person was dressed in fancy clothing, their drinks looking expensive, so Alaska knew Sharon would be somewhere away from all these. Through all her fame, her affinity for cheap beer and dirty places hadn’t changed at all.

Weaving her way through, she eventually found a small spot near the back of the restaurant, where the higher-class customers wouldn’t go near. Sure enough, with one leg propped against the wall like an old-school punk, Sharon was smoking by the alley.

“Hey, Sharon.” She began, suddenly feeling nervous. Why was she doing this? It was going to make everything worse.

Sharon took a drag of her cigarette and blew the smoke in Alaska’s face. She coughed, and Sharon laughed her hoarse, throaty cackle.

“You’re disgusting.” She commented.

Sharon grinned, the cigarette held in between her teeth. “Speak for yourself, you used to do this too.”

“Until I decided I didn’t want to get cancer.” She fired back.

“That’s why you got rid of me, right?” Sharon asked, a coy smile on her face. “I’ve been called cancer before. Fuck knows why, I’m a Sagittarius.”

Alaska shook her head as Sharon turned away, letting smoke billow from her lips before facing Alaska again.

“I wanted to talk to you, Sharon. A-About the fight.” She mustered as much courage as she could. A quote she’d tried to live her life by – though admittedly she wasn’t very good at it – was this, ‘it only takes five seconds of courage to get yourself into a scary situation that you can’t get out of. Then it’s too late, so you have to push through it.’

Sharon’s eyebrows rose. “Wow. I thought you’d beat around the bush a little before, but I guess not.”

She smiled weakly, thinking of her Mae West impersonation. “What are you talking about? I beat around the bush all the time, howww.”

Sharon laughed.

“Talk, then.” She prompted, the cigarette still between her teeth.

“I…” Her mind drew a blank. “I don’t know what to say.”

Snorting, Sharon took another drag and exhaled. “You were relying on me being a loudmouth to help you, huh.”

Alaska said nothing, so Sharon took her silence as a yes.

“There isn’t much to say, really. Other than the fact that I have a raging drug and alcohol problem that clearly needs addressing, there’s nothing to add.”

Sharon watched Alaska, a gleam in her eye like she knew what she was doing. Winding her up deliberately so she would talk. In a way, it was endearing, and kind of helpful. If being irritated meant she could get this off her chest, then so be it.

“Everything you said that night was so… I don’t know. It fucked me up, Sharon. I thought we were okay.” She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I know we both agreed that the ‘best friend – boyfriend’ line was utter bullshit, but this… You can’t do this.”

Sharon closed her eyes. “Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do, Alaska. You know I don’t play by the rules. I don’t react well when rules are placed on me.”

“Sharon, you can’t-”

Smoke in the face. “Shut up. Look, that’s how I feel. I won’t let it affect us in performances, or with our friends, or any other time. That’s just how I feel, and in my inebriated state that was how I chose to reveal it.”

Alaska coughed again, feeling herself getting slightly sickened by all the smoke. How had she used to do this? Even being around it made her feel dizzy.

“But I’m being serious. This is something that we can’t have distracting us. It isn’t fair to… to anyone. Fans. You know.” Alaska argued.

“Speak for yourself,” Sharon brushed her off again. “It isn’t distracting me at all. Is it distracting you?”

“Yes!” Alaska cried, frustrated. “My ex-boyfriend and current best friend just told me that he still fucking loves me, is that supposed to not distract me?! You can’t just say things like that!”

Sharon merely blinked, stubbing out her cigarette against the brick wall.

“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t say.” Sharon repeated, annoyed. “Listen to me, if you have a problem with this – if this is distracting you – instead of blaming me, look at yourself. It’s not affecting me, it’s affecting you. So take a second to figure out why it’s affecting you before you put me on the fucking barbeque.”

Alaska opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again.

“I’m sorry.” Alaska murmured. “I’m confused. I don’t-”

Before she knew what was happening, Sharon had thrown her arms around her. Her body was lithe against Alaska’s, her wiry frame pressing into Alaska’s slimmer one. She could feel all of the muscles in Sharon’s arms, squeezing her tight. She smelt like cigarette smoke and cheap beer and home.

“I’m sorry too,” She apologised, her voice low and husky as she spoke into Alaska’s hair. “I know I freaked you out. I never would have said it if I wasn’t fucked up.”

She laughed mirthlessly. “Not that I’m ashamed. You mean a lot to me, Lasky. I didn’t wanna upset this nice little… friendship, we have going on. Trust me to fuck it up.”

“Don’t say that.” Alaska mumbled, her voice muffled from the embrace. “You didn’t fuck it up. I’m the one who yelled.”

“Because of me.”

“No! Well, yes… But still. I fucked up too.”

Sharon smiled. “We match.”

Alaska giggled. “Yeah, we do.”

A moment of peaceful silence passed. No words needed to be exchanged between the pair.

“Are we good?” Sharon asked.

“Yeah. I think we are.” Alaska breathed.

“I think things are gonna change.”

Alaska’s heart raced, but being in Sharon’s arms helped to settle the butterflies that threatened to stage an uprising in her abdomen.

“I think I’m okay with that.” She decided.

“I think I am too.” Sharon agreed.

-

Courtney: how did it go?! We’ve all been back at the hotel ages and haven’t heard from you. Is everything ok?

Willam: i bet they fucking

Courtney: oh fuck off willam :)

\- Alaska Thunderfuck has added Sharon Needles to the chat –

Alaska: all is well

Sharon: we hugged it out

Willam: are u being serious

Sharon: yes

Willam: really

Sharon: … yes

Willam: THE Sharon Needles

Courtney: oh ffs

Willam: WINNER of season 4 rpdr

Sharon: indeed

Willam: HUGGED IT OUT with someone

Sharon: that is correct

Alaska: i can confirm. I was there

Courtney: you guys are all ridiculous

Alaska: it’s part of our charm

Willam: charm, my ass.

Courtney: if you wish

Sharon: #witney

Alaska: ooooh gurl

Willam: #shalaska

Courtney: im leaving

Alaska: don’t just log off, bitch, delete your account!

Courtney: BLOCKED

Sharon: not the first time someone from another country has said that to me

Alaska: NEEDLES  
Willam: NEEDLES

Courtney: NEEDLES

Sharon: that’s my cue to go

Sharon: ^ also not the first time I’ve been told that

Willam: you are so bad i love it

Courtney: Sharon Needles is so bad

Alaska: HOW BAD IS SHE?!

Laughing out loud, Alaska relaxed back in the warmth of the hotel room, feeling as though a weight had been lifted off her chest. She made a mental note to thank Michelle in the morning. How she always knew exactly what Alaska needed, she would never find out. The woman was a goddess.

Morning came quickly, the night having passed quickly through a heavy slumber, and light streamed through the gaps in the curtains.

Michelle to BOTS Ladies: First show tonight, remember my rules, no drinking etc.

Sharon: was that a read

Michelle: You’re pretty much free to do what you want today, just as long as you’re back here by six.

Detox: cool

Alaska rolled out of bed, stretched, and smiled sleepily as she remembered the previous night. I think things are going to change. I think I’m okay with that.

This was going to be an interesting tour, for definite.


	5. Chapter 5

Everything about performing filled Alaska with a thrill she couldn’t achieve any other way. Hearing the crowd screaming her name, cheering and going wild, the rush was just unbelievable. She spread her arms wide, basking in the sound of the audience’s excitement. She was sweating horribly under the sweltering stage lights, her body aching from being encased in pantyhose and corsets, her feet tender from being stood in heels, her throat raw from singing and talking – Alaska wouldn’t have it any other way. Any pain caused by being up on stage was worth enduring, simply for the rush of endorphins that flooded her body, filling her with adrenaline.

“Please welcome to the stage,” Alaska announced, once the cheering had died down, “My best friend, one of my favourite queens of all time, Miss Sharon Needles!”

Cheering and applause erupted from the fans as Sharon joined her on stage, gesturing as if to say keep cheering! Amidst the sounds, Alaska heard a few boos, which made her laugh.

Sharon looked good. It was one of Alaska’s favourite outfits that she was wearing, her glittery Halloween corset with the fluffy white wig and sparkling makeup. She looked almost naked next to Alaska, in her gown, but they both knew that what looked like nudity was actually layers upon layers of pantyhose and goodness knows what else.

“It’s so great to be sharing a stage with you again, Alaska. Being up here with my best friend is really amazing, and we’re lucky that we get to do this and have such a supportive fanbase in a career that allows us to be who we are.”

Alaska smiled. “Whilst you have the opportunity, Sharon, is there anything else you’d like to say?”

Sharon grinned. “Yeah. My album, Taxidermy, is available on iTunes so if you haven’t bought it already, you should go and do that. Please don’t steal it. That $100,000 is gone.”  
The crowd cheered as they chuckled.

“You know, Alaska, I can’t believe we’re doing this.” She said.

“Doing what?” Alaska replied, playing along.

Sharon paused, taking a long, theatrical sigh before continuing. “Performing the worst song ever written.”

Alaska turned away, giggling.

“Hey, hey.” Sharon said. “I can say that, it’s my fucking song.”

The crowd laughed, but they quickly burst into screaming and cheering as the music started to play. A bell tolled, Alaska’s voice, and then-

“I’m just a boy boy…”

This was what they did. This was what Alaska loved to do. She felt the atmosphere of the stage, the crowd, the music and Sharon next to her; it all filled her with energy. Everything else in the world could have disappeared and she wouldn’t have noticed, as her mind was focused. The real world didn’t even exist anymore; any problems or feelings she had were back in the dressing room, unnoticed and ignored.

Like it was an instinct, she used the stage, strutting across it and dancing as she sang into the microphone. It was second nature, like an animal out in the wild. This was her territory, her place. This was where she belonged.

Sharon made her way from the opposite end of the stage towards her, meeting in the middle. She stood in front of Alaska, bending slightly so she was lower down and backing against her. Alaska responded, playing up to the position as they sang, bringing their bodies closer and closer together. Shouts and screams only fuelled them to continue, moving in time with the peppy beat. Neither of them even thought about it, they just danced against one another like there was nothing else they should be doing. Sharon’s hand reached backwards and landed on Alaska’s ass, so Alaska moved her free hand to hover in front of Sharon’s crotch. Sharon was circling her hips around, grinding and moving against her own body. Performing like that… it always felt natural.

The song ended, and Alaska slowly moved away, breaking into a grin that almost split her cheeks as the cheers nearly burst her eardrums.

“THANK YOU, EVERYBODY!” Alaska yelled, making her exit as Sharon began introducing the songs from her album.

Willam: steamy ;)

Alaska: ur in the audience? lol

Willam: course I am

Willam: Court got me tickets.

Courtney: you’re welcome

Willam: when was the last time you performed kai kai?  
Alaska: not that long ago. We do it a lot

Courtney: …?

Alaska: the song, court

Courtney: oh

Courtney: that makes more sense

Willam: bumping and grinding tho

Willam: whores

Willam: i see that chemistry. Y’all been on grindr. Y’all been on Craigslist.

Alaska: Sharon’s gonna murder u when she reads all this

Courtney: fingers crossed she does

Willam: im not scared of needles

Alaska: clearly, look at ur fuckin face

Willam: coming from miss lip injections?

Courtney: i cant tell if ur talking about sharon or alaska

Willam: OOH NURSE

Reality hit like a train collision as Alaska exited the stage. Of course, she didn’t regret the performance; the whole idea was to get the fans engaged, excited and give them their money’s worth in entertainment, and she had delivered. Even so, she knew she was much more daring and bold with Sharon than she would have been with any other queen, like Manila or Katya or Jinkx. Maybe it was because they were exes, and Alaska knew what Sharon liked and how Sharon worked. Maybe it was a heat-of-the-moment, not-thinking-straight decision. Maybe it was just because it was Sharon, and the rules didn’t apply to Sharon. They never had, never would. She was a walking, talking example of a broken rule who breaks rules. You just felt compelled to disobey when with Sharon.

Michelle greeted her back in the dressing room. “How was it?”

“Great.” Alaska said. “I’m beat, though. Energy wise and makeup wise.”

Michelle laughed. “You look it, hun. Did everything go okay yesterday? Courtney told me you and Sharon talked but she didn’t say any more than that.”

Alaska smiled tiredly. “It went well, we talked it out and hugged. I think we’re okay.”

Unconvinced, Michelle pulled a face. “Just okay?” She probed.

“Friends, I guess.” Alaska mumbled. “I…”

She tried to brush it off, but Michelle was persistent. “Something she said… it keeps bugging me.”

Michelle’s warm stare was enough to encourage Alaska to keep talking. She rested her head on her shoulder as she spoke.

“She was saying that’s just how she feels, and she’s not gonna let it distract her… and then she said ‘I think things are gonna change.’”

Eyebrows furrowing in a frown, Michelle shook her head. “Change? What did you say to that? Set the scene for me.”

Alaska swallowed. “We were hugging… and I said ‘I think I’m okay with that.’ Only now I’m more confused than ever, because I’m not stressing over this anymore but I don’t know what the fuck that means or why the fuck I said that or how the fuck things are gonna change and-”

“Stop,” Michelle cut her off gently. “You sound like Adore. Breathe for a moment.”

Michelle was right. Alaska took a second to compose herself. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Her frenzied mind began to calm as she took her deep breaths.

“Things are gonna change.” Alaska repeated. “What?”

Michelle smiled weakly, kissing the top of Alaska’s head and staring into the mirror in front of them with a drained expression.

“You two are gonna be the death of me.” She said, causing Alaska to laugh quietly. “You already know how much Sharon worries me. The two of you are gonna be the single cause of my high blood pressure-related death, I swear.”

Alaska nodded in agreement. She could definitely relate; Sharon was going to be the cause of her own death, she could feel it. She was fucking crazy, and beautiful, and hilarious, and irresistible, and Alaska knew that eventually she would succumb again. But she wasn’t sure if her heart was ready for it – the walls she’d built around her heart since the breakup were strong, but Sharon was stronger and smarter than any defence Alaska could put up. Both her and Michelle knew it.

“Whatever you do, Alaska,” Michelle advised, playing the motherly role instinctively, “Whatever changes, just be careful. You’re both older now, and since we know how it ended the first time, you need to be careful. I’m not having either of my girls hurting again.”

She stepped away from Alaska, entering the stage and leaving the queen in the dressing room as Sharon exited the stage and joined her.

Willam: sharon’s real fuckin good at this singing live crap

Courtney: what did you expect?

Willam: idk. Something like the Frenemies challenge

Alaska: oml don’t

Alaska: that was rough

Willam: their first take was,,, yikes

Courtney: so what’s the real t, who’s fault was it that they were in the bottom?

Alaska: ooh

Willam: well Sharon fucked up the first take massively

Willam: BUT

Willam: both sharon and phi phi were terrible on the second too. so it was both of them

Alaska: she’s gonna murder u twice

Courtney: omg

Willam: i fuckin killed that challenge

Courtney: #LATRILLAM4EVER

Alaska: and then that challenged fuckin killed u

Alaska: *challenge

Willam: ILLITERATE

Courtney: i remember watching that episode and i was literally gagged

Alaska: i was just laughing cus sharon’s face was like :O

Sharon: you’re all assholes

Courtney: i know

Willam: hey! I said ur show was good!

Sharon: WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THE FRENEMIES CHALLENGE WILLAM

Sharon: I still wish we’d done opera and screamo. That was a maj idea

Alaska: did u see ru’s face when u did that tho

Sharon: i was gonna shit myself

Courtney: i still cant look at her in the eye

Willam: bitch cant look at me in the eye bc of #rupaulogize

Sharon: lmao me and phi phi stayed up all night rehearsing that fuckin song we failed at

Sharon: u have no idea what we were using as microphones

Courtney: OMG

Alaska: for real?

Willam: ya nasty

Sharon: if i have to hear the words “let’s state facts youre orange not tan” again i’ll fuckin die

Alaska: this coming from Miss, Marilyn Manson?

Sharon: UGH

Collapsing into the chair Michelle had just been sitting at, Sharon rested her legs on the table in front of them and ran her fingers through her wig, her heels having been kicked off moments before. Head thrown back, she let her mouth hang open as she groaned loudly.

“Nice. Attractive.” Alaska laughed.

“Fuck off.” Sharon joked, stretching before resuming her strange sitting position. “I need a drink.”

“There’s water over there,” Alaska pointed. “Ugh. You stink.”

Sharon flipped her off. “Pantyhose, you know how it is.” Then she paused. “Alaska, you might be sober but I’m not. You know what a drink means when it comes from me.”  
She laughed.

“It’s a hard life being an alcoholic,” Alaska teased, resting a hand over heart. Sharon snorted, nudging her with her foot.

“It’s tough being a PBR Princess when Michelle Visage is straight-edge.”

Alaska elbowed her. “You, a princess? You’re more of a PBR slut.”

“Says the queen who pretended to fuck me on stage.”

“Says the queen who initiated it.” Alaska shot back.

“Says the queen who responded.”

“Says the queen who was grinding all over me.”

“Says the queen who was loving it.”

Alaska fell silent. Of course she’d loved it – performing with Sharon was something she always loved to do, and would continue to love doing. Not when Sharon was grinding on her, obviously. She had loved that once, a while ago, but not anymore. The burning heat in her cheeks was just the stage lights melting the makeup off her face, that was it. Unless it wasn’t.

After a little while of silence, a few other queens began to file in to the dressing room, finished with their shows and hanging around until the finale. They immediately began to strike up loud conversations, Sharon included, leaving Alaska to sit and stew on her own At least it gave her time to think – although God knew she’d been thinking enough recently. She’d spent the last few weeks living entirely in her head, going through the motions of everyday life as if she were watching herself through a screen. It had been strange; an almost disembodied experience. Performing had grounded her, in a way. Because there’s nothing better to bring you back down to earth than to stand up on a stage somewhere whilst millions and millions of fans scream and cheer at you, right? So humbling. So grounding.

Before she even knew it, the show started to come to an end. Alaska sprang from her chair, excitement filling her as she prepared to do the finale. Having changed into her final costume and retouched her makeup, she followed Manila and Jinkx on to the stop, once again basking in the cheers that swallowed them instantly. All thoughts pushed aside, the grin never left her face, even if You Can’t Stop The Beat was quickly becoming the most irritating song she’d ever listened to. As the song changed, she froze in place, pretending to look terrified as she lead Jinkx and Manila to the back of the stage, letting Sharon and Violet take centre stage to Bad Reputation. Adore and Katya ended with Spice Up Your Life, when the rest of the queens and Michelle came back on. Alaska finished with one arm around Katya and the other resting on Sharon.

The lights were blinding, so much so that Alaska couldn’t look forwards without squinting. She turned her head to the side, watching Sharon instead. Her gaze was transfixed on Michelle, who was giving her final speech, and a smile was plastered on her face. Spotlights were trained on them all, but even through the sweat and makeup and tiredness, she looked fantastic. Radiant, almost. Like she was born to be on a stage. Alaska had no problem believing that she was.

“THANK YOU FOR COMING, EVERYBODY!”

-

Exhausted, aching and entirely worn-out, Alaska wiped the last traces of makeup from her face, glad to be back in the comfort and privacy of her hotel room. The final stained makeup wipe joined the rest in the bin, and she let out a long breath as she began to relax. As amazing as her life was, and as much as she loved drag, there really wasn’t many other feelings that were as satisfying as removing every last bobby pin, pantyhose, cincher and nails from her body. It felt refreshing, like she was reminding herself of who was underneath the makeup.

Even so, she looked terrible. Sleep deprivation was evident in the bags under her eyes, which she had skilfully managed to hide under the layers of foundation, but now her bare skin revealed all her secrets. Despite knowing how horrible she looked and how tired she was, she wasn’t ready to sleep. Maybe it was the life of being on tour getting to her already, but even through her fatigue she felt awake.

A few knocks sounded on her door. Alaska dried her face on the towel in the bathroom and ignored it. If someone needed her, they could text. It was probably a fan, and the last thing she wanted to do was reveal to a fan where she was staying, and how bad she looked that night. The knocks sounded again, followed by a voice.

“Alaska?”

Sighing, Alaska left the room and opened the door. Standing in the corridor, also no longer in drag, was Sharon. She smiled, wriggling her shoulders in lieu of a greeting and leant against the doorway.

“Do you mind if I smoke on your balcony?” She asked, lifting the pack of cigarettes up so Alaska could see them. “Michelle was getting mad at me because she said she could smell the smoke, but my balcony door won’t open.”

Alaska laughed and moved out of the way, signalling that she could enter. Sharon ducked through the doorway and meandered her way through, nosily poking at her things as she passed by and shutting the balcony door behind them both.

The view from her balcony was fairly nice. Other than the balconies surrounding hers, a total of six in which she could see, the faint glow of the city provided a nice silhouette on the night sky.

“Thanks,” Sharon murmured, lighting the cigarette and putting it between her lips. “Enjoy the show?”

Alaska leant against the railing in front of her, doing her best not to breathe in the smoke that Sharon was exhaling. “Of course,” She said. “I always do.”

“I hate going on after you, I really do. I say it all the fucking time, it’s this amazing performance, followed by that spooky alcoholic from the season no one remembers.” Sharon laughed.

Alaska shoved her. “As if. Every drag race fan has seen from season four onwards. Alisa Summers really popularised the show.”

“Who?”

Alaska burst into giggles. “You’re bad.”

Sharon balanced the cigarette between her fingers. “When I’m good I’m good, but when I’m bad I’m better.” She brought the digit back to her lips, inhaling and exhaling before continuing. “I can’t do Mae West like you. I’ll stick to Joan Rivers.”

“No one does Joan Rivers like you can.”

Sharon tapped the end of her cigarette, letting the ash fall to the ground below them. “You know what I hate? Swimming pools! I fucking hate swimming pools!”

Alaska peered over the balcony, feeling stupid that she hadn’t even noticed the pool below. In the moonlight, the water almost seemed to glitter.

“I didn’t even see that,” Alaska drawled. “Can we use it whilst we stay here?”

Sharon shrugged. “I can’t. But I’m sure you can.”

“Why can’t you?” Alaska asked, a smile creeping onto her face.

Sharon laughed. “Didn’t you see what happened to my sister, the Wicked Witch of the West, when she got covered in water?”

Alaska tore her eyes away from the scenery around her to look at Sharon again. Pale moonlight suited her features best, not spotlight after all. It softened the harsher parts, the sharp creases of her cheekbones and the crevice in her chin, filling her face with a pleasing mixture of light and shadow. Her hair shone, as light and pallid as the moon. The last of the smoke left her lips and she discarded the cigarette over the balcony, not caring where it ended up as the other queen’s eyes met Alaska’s.

It was silent. The city around them had fallen into slumber, with no traffic or club kids or any other source of noise to disrupt the serenity. A moment passed – or was it an eternity? – in a peaceful silence. Alaska simply watched Sharon, and Sharon simply studied Alaska. It should have been uncomfortable, or strange, but instead it just filled her with a sense of nostalgia. Nights back home in Pittsburgh, the tender days when their relationship was tense and nervous and brand new. Back when Sharon had made the first move on her and they’d fucked a few days before Christmas and yet she was still tongue-tied when it came to talking to Alaska. She had never seen Sharon tongue-tied since. For a moment, if she blocked out her sabotaging emotions and the city beneath and the balcony doors behind them, Alaska could imagine that it was several years prior, and everything hadn’t gone wrong yet.

Without even realising it, Alaska found herself slowly getting closer to Sharon. It was out of her control, like Needles was a magnet and she were a piece of iron. She almost pulled away, embarrassed – until she realised that Sharon was moving closer too. The gap between them was closing. Inches. Mere inches-

“Hi, Alaska! Hi, Sharon!” Came a voice.

Internally, Alaska groaned. She loved the queen, she really did, but for a comedian, Jinkx Monsoon had terrible timing. From the balcony directly next to hers, Jinkx waved wildly, her face still painted but the rest of her out of drag. When the familiar flash of a camera nearly blinded the queens, they stumbled back inside to get away, hurriedly closing the door and shutting the curtains.

“I’ll be going,” Sharon muttered, not looking her in the eye. “Thanks for having a better understanding of how addiction works than Michelle Visage.”

“Sure.” Alaska said to her retreating figure.

The door closed behind her. She slid to the floor.

Okay. Maybe the feeling she had for Sharon were resurfacing again. She couldn’t deny it any longer.


	6. Chapter 6

Courtney: have you guys seen the headlines?

Willam: what headlines?

Sharon: i’ve seen them…

Alaska: huh?

Sharon: it’s bad

Courtney: it’s real bad

Courtney: they’re having a field day. There’s pics and all these speculations too

Willam: oh shit, i just saw them

Willam: y’all are fucked

Sharon: i’m pretty sure paparazzi aren’t even allowed into our hotels. Pretty pissed bc the angles are terrible

Willam: your biggest issue with this is that it shows how much your chin resembles an asshole from underneath?

Courtney: shut up you guys

Courtney: here’s the link, lasky.

\- Courtney Act sent a link –

Alaska stared intensely at her phone screen, her eyes following the buffering symbol as she ran her nails along her lips, feeling irrationally nervous. She willed the page to load, but once it did, the niggling sense of foreboding that rested dully in the pit of her stomach roared to life, encasing her chest in icy-cold anxiety. As fast as she could, she read the article.

‘Drag Race Ex-Power Couple Sharon Needles and Alaska Thunderfuck – Reunited?’

‘Hearts of the LGBTQ+ community in America and the rest of the world were left devastated in 2013, when fan-favourite power couple Sharon Needles, winner of Season Four of Rupaul’s Drag Race, and Alaska Thunderfuck, finalist of Season Five and winner of All Stars 2, announced their separation. Some fans went as far as to say they felt that “love was dead”, since the two had been so prominent in gay media. However, time took us all on a long journey of healing and friendship – the two of them physically assuring us that their beloved friendship remained intact and unchanged. Over the years, we’ve seen satirical and sexual performances from the two, suggestive relationship jokes, heartfelt support in interviews and other meaningful bantering between them that kept us all going. Their weird and wonderful friendship is one that many of us aspire to procure with our exes…but are the two rekindling their old love connection?

Yesterday, these pictures were captured of the two on a balcony in their hotel rooms, where many of the queens are staying for this year’s BOTS tour (feat. Michelle Visage, Violet Chachki, Katya Zamolodchikova, Manila Luzon, Detox Icunt and other stars – book your tickets here). It certainly seems that the two are closer than just friends in these images… but what do you think? Will our favourite drag queen couple reunite after years of separation?

Pictures below:’

Alaska’s heart leapt into her throat. Five pictures had been displayed on the website, with links to at least ten more. She looked at them with dread. In the first, Sharon had her cigarette between her lips, with Alaska leaning on the railing and seemingly gazing at her. The second showed her in the midst of her Mae West impersonation, lips distorted to the side of her face, whilst Sharon laughed. There was one of Sharon doing her flawless Joan Rivers, and one of the two with their heads thrown back with laughter, but the one that made her heart skip the most was the final picture.

The angle and lighting was different, as if the photographer had moved to a better, clearer space to take the shot. Sharon’s cigarette had not long been discarded over the edge of the balcony, her free hand instead resting on the railing. Although slightly grainy, it was abundantly obvious that the two were facing each other, much closer than they had been in the previously depicted photos, and leaning in. It was undeniable to anybody who had functioning eyesight what was happening there.

She turned her phone off, tossing it onto the bed and sinking down along with it. Her head and heart felt completely conflicted about the whole ordeal. Her head, ever the voice of professionalism and reason, was calmly telling her to discuss the matter with Michelle, Sharon and her manager, and quell the rumours until something bigger happened, or a situation arose in which those headlines would be appropriate. Her heart, ever a wild and reckless traitor, was screaming desperately for her to fire off a simple tweet telling everybody to fuck off and diving headfirst back into the world of Sharon Needles. Both options were far too tempting.

It wasn’t like she could deny herself how she was feeling. Ever since that goddamned Halloween party, Sharon had been on her mind like a rash that wouldn’t go away. No – that wasn’t a particularly nice way to put it – like a stain that wouldn’t wash out? No. Gah! She was toying with metaphors to try and distract herself yet again from the real issue. She steeled herself and forced herself to concentrate. She was falling for Sharon again. After all those years of shaky friendship, a tumultuous love and an unforgettable connection, she was falling for Sharon again.

Eventually, she decided to follow her head. Her heart begged for her to feel rather than think, but she’d made plenty of mistakes in the past that she wasn’t willing to make again, so she dressed hurriedly and made her way out of her room in search of Michelle.

Less than halfway down the corridor to Michelle’s room, she heard the familiar excited-gasp of a fan. In all honesty, she wasn’t in the mood for fans, but she owed everything to them, even the crazy ones. Plastering the best smile she could muster onto her face, she chatted and took photos with the fan before hugging them and moving onwards, anxious not to reveal that this was the floor that most of the queens were staying on. It would be chaotic if a super-fan, or anyone really, were to find their temporary living space.

Five minutes later, she drew up outside Michelle’s room. Her hand hovered over the door, about to knock, until it swung open as if Michelle had pre-empted her arrival. Without another word, she walked inside and pursed her lips, showing Michelle the webpage with a mixture of emotions battling away inside her.

“Courtney texted it to me.”

Alaska nodded and sat down. “I thought I’d come see you, because you’re basically my mom, and then we could talk to my manager and Sharon with her manager.”

Michelle smiled weakly. “Good girl. What are you thinking of doing?”

She went to speak, but closed her mouth as she realised she didn’t know what to say. Once again, her head and heart fought against one another to try and control the words that left her lips. For a moment, she allowed them to rant and rave before forcing them into some kind of compromise.

“I don’t… I don’t know if I want to flat-out say ‘no, this is not what is happening’ or anything like that…” She dragged out the last syllable, thinking hard.

“…Because you’re not sure if that’s what you want, right?” Michelle finished. Her tone changed. “Is a part of you hoping that maybe that is what was happening?”

She sighed. “Well, I-I don’t know. It is exactly what it looks like, really.”

“Tell me what happened.”

She recounted the story – Sharon wanting to smoke, the two of them talking and laughing on the balcony, drawing nearer and nearer until Jinkx alerted the two of them to not only her presence, but the paparazzi. Michelle groaned something that sounded like ‘Jinkxy’ before sitting down besides Alaska on the bed.

“I think we should talk to Sharon about this.” She said finally. Both of them were well-aware of how Sharon had felt about Alaska, and as hard as she tried, Alaska had no idea how Sharon would want to react to this. She was good at being a professional and knowing what to keep under wraps, but she was also a firm believer that you should never be afraid of your mouth and the things you say, and she was a sucker for being in the public eye and causing controversy. Trust her to be completely unpredictable in times when predicting how she would feel would be extremely useful.

Alaska: Noodles, get ur butt down to Michelle’s room

Sharon: which one is it?

Alaska: u seriously dont know? 402

Sharon: right. how soon do u need me?

Alaska: like now

Sharon: see you in two

Sharon appeared moments later, bleary-eyed and smelling of smoke. She leaned against the wall in her strange mismatched clothing, black-and-white jeans and an ancient Alaska Thunderfuck shirt, running her hands through her mussed hair.

“You smell gross.” Michelle said, wrinkling her nose.

Sharon yawned. “Good morning to you too, Michelle. You want to talk about this photo shit, right?”

Alaska almost laughed. It was half past nine in the morning, and Sharon had no filter until it was past noon and she’d popped a can of PBR.

“Real eloguent.” Alaska joked, a half-hearted attempt to lighten the mood. Sharon grinned, and Michelle laughed.

“What are your thoughts about this?”

Sharon ruffled her hair, deep in thought. “I think… it’s probably best to shut it down, just for the sake of making our lives easier. It’s not like it would be hard to pass it off as innocent.”

Whatever she had been expecting, it wasn’t that. Alaska blinked a few times, uncertain that she’d heard correctly, even though Sharon was never indirect with her speech. She had been so open and honest with Alaska about her feelings that she had almost expected her to say nothing, or not address the issue. Then again, it was usually hard to guess what Sharon would say. Still – she couldn’t deny the deflating sensation she felt in her chest. It would be pretty nice to see headlines like that again, so long as they were true.

“Why would it be easy to pass as innocent?” Michelle asked, confused.

Sharon let out a breathy laugh. “Have you met me? I’m a total whore in performances; it’d be cakewalk to pretend it’s just me doing what I do.”

Ah. That made sense, and judging by the look on Michelle’s face, she agreed. Alaska tried to ignore the fact that she’d heard the word ‘pretend’ in there. So if they denied romantic tension, they were ‘pretending’ in Sharon’s eyes, right? So it wasn’t just an accident that occurred because of the time and place? So it wasn’t just Sharon being her usual flirty self? Alaska shook her head, clearing out the confusion as best as she could. Her brain tended to hurt when she dwelled on consistently-perplexing issues that had names, egos and perfectly-kissable lips.

That seemed to settle the issue. Michelle resolved to speak with their managers and arrange something, and then proceeded to shoo them both out of her room, complaining about them seeing her without any makeup on. She pushed them out into the hallway, closing the door behind her and leaving them on their own.

“Wanna talk about it?” Sharon suggested, one eyebrow raised in amusement.

“Nope.” Alaska answered honestly.

Sharon laughed. “Me neither! Wanna get breakfast?”

“Now that’s something I can get behind!” Alaska chuckled, following Sharon down the hallway.

Naturally, as Alaska was eating, Sharon was only drinking her morning beer, but her company was welcome. They had only been sat for a minute or two before a few other girls began to filter out, yawning and stretching with obvious fatigue.

“Hey guys, whatcha doing?” Katya greeted, slipping into a chair by their table.

Sharon smiled brightly. “Ignoring our glaring emotional problems and tensions, how about you?”

Immediately, Katya burst into a silent, wheezing laughter, flapping her hands about and tapping her feet as she rocked forwards and backwards.

“I feel that! I feel that in my cold, dead heart!” She breathed, laughing hysterically.

Alaska started laughing too. Sharon was spot on, she really was. The two of them were absolutely ridiculous, and in a moment of strange, uncharacteristic clarity, she realised just how weird their status was. Sharon was in love with her, she was falling for Sharon, and they were both continuing to keep it platonic and private despite their chemistry… with what stopping them? It was only when her brain helpfully supplied the messy memories of their first attempt at a relationship that she realized everything wasn’t as simple as it seemed to everyone around them. Regardless, she did wish that love could be as effortless as I love you, you love me and that’s that. Instead, they had to factor in their rocky past relationship, sobriety versus a daily alcohol-drinker, touring schedules, paparazzi, their ever-changing degrees of fame and the fact that they loved one another.

Okay. It wasn’t funny anymore. She stopped laughing, masking the drop in her mood by eating a little more of the cereal in front of her. Luckily, neither of the blondes seemed to notice, the two of them caught up in a conversation that Alaska had been spaced out long enough to have no idea how to involve herself in.

Once she realised she’d been sitting and staring into her cereal bowl for a good ten minutes, Alaska decided to move. Mumbling an awkward goodbye, she stretched her long legs out and decided to clear her head. She knew Adore was somewhere in the hotel, probably stoned, but she was fun to hang with and stress-free. That was definitely what she needed.

-

So far, so good. The day had flown by, from hanging out with Adore to laughing and singing with Jinkx, and then performing as usual on stage, Alaska had been so busy that she had no time to think of anything but what she was doing in that moment. Sharon hadn’t crossed her mind since nine thirty that morning, more than twelve hours ago. In a way, it was refreshing not to think about Sharon, or try to decipher her confusing mess of feelings. Her headspace felt clear, like she could finally take a deep breath in and feel calm. Everything began to feel normal again. She needed to call her mom when they arrived in the next city, and text Cory to see how he was doing. Then she needed to perform with Manila, talk to Courtney and Jinkx, hang out with Detox, appear in periscopes with Michelle…then, and only then, would she think about Sharon. It wasn’t necessary. It was too confusing.

It was coming up to one in the morning when Alaska finally broke away from her circle of friends to finish packing up her things. At five in the morning, they were leaving to go to the next destination, and it was pretty stupid of her to have stayed up so late. She’d been on tour enough times to know very well that sleep was rarer and worth more than any jewel. Still, it had been so nice talking to everyone that it seemed as if time had slipped away without her notice.

As she was walking down the hotel corridor, eerily reminded of The Shining, a body appeared out of nowhere. Alaska nearly screamed, before her eyes adjusted to the familiar sight of Sharon in front of her.

“Boo!” Sharon said, her eyes half-lidded and slightly glazed over as she grinned. “Did I scare you?”

Alaska laughed. “Yes, you asshole! Do you really have to do that every time that it’s late and I’m alone?”

Sharon’s hands were shaking, and she didn’t seem to know what to do with them. They were everywhere – in her hair, touching her neck, in her pockets, wrung together. She didn’t seem able to keep still at all; she was entirely frenetic.

“I don’t have to,” Sharon joked back, “But I like it. It’s funny seeing you jump. Oh, and I saw this really funny thing – ”

To Alaska, it was utter nonsense. She was talking rapidly about… something, rambling how she always did only with a little extra speed poured into her words. Alaska nodded away, barely listening. Sharon was probably drunk.

“Why are you out here in the corridor, anyway?” Alaska asked.

Sharon’s talkative, happy state seemed to drop instantly to a more sombre, irritated one. “I don’t know. Just wanted to be out here. Just wanted to see you.”

Not this again. Alaska braced herself for another dramatic heartfelt confession, her fingers crossed that it wouldn’t happen – even though one of her fingers was crossed behind her back. Part of her wanted it, part of her hoped it wouldn’t come so that it didn’t ruin her like before.

“Okay. Well-” Alaska reached out to touch Sharon’s shoulder, and then frowned. “Fuck, you’re really hot.”

Sharon laughed loudly. “Thanks.”

Alaska rolled her eyes, not seeing the humour. “I meant your temperature, Noodles. Are you getting ill? You’d better not be.”

Her expression changed again – eyes scrunching up, brows furrowing, nose wrinkling. She looked slightly lost and confused, like a child.

“My chest hurts,” She said plainly. “And my head. I feel kinda sick.”

Yeah, she was probably drunk. Alaska wrapped one arm around Sharon and started to walk back to the other queen’s room. Beneath her, Sharon was trembling, and strangely warm. Probably a side-effect of the oceans-worth of alcohol she liked consuming.

It took about a minute to get back to Sharon’s room. The door was unlocked, which was lucky since she didn’t appear to have her keycard with her. They stumbled inside, Sharon almost tripping over the suitcase that was conveniently placed right in front of the door, drag spilling out of it. Alaska gently shoved the suitcase out of the way and led Sharon to the bed. The older queen promptly collapsed onto it, lying on her back, her teeth chattering.

“You can’t seriously be cold?” Alaska said incredulously.

Sharon shrugged.

“Maybe you’re getting a fever.” She thought aloud.

A sudden thought struck her mind. Maybe she’d taken something? That wouldn’t be unusual for the queens, especially not Sharon. She could’ve sworn that Sharon had told her she was taking it easy on drugs these days, though. She recalled asking her about it, and Sharon promising she would do her best to stop taking them when they were offered. She hadn’t exactly expected it, but she hadn’t seen Sharon high in a while due to their clashing schedules meaning that they were never together.

That made more sense – she was high. That would explain the jittering and the excessive talkativeness. Alaska could hardly believe that she used to do this too, take shit and get completely fucked up on it. It was momentarily terrifying, seeing Sharon so unlike herself and inebriated, her eyes glassy and her exterior flushed. Had she been like that when she was high? When the two of them took drugs in bars, were they both like this? No wonder they fought at lot. Sharon seemed like an entirely different person.

“Have you taken something?” Alaska pried.

Sharon barked out a laugh. “Yeah. Most of Bianca’s jokes, Raven’s look, Ginger’s wig and Katya’s cigarettes.”

Her whole body juddered up and down as she laughed, but Alaska didn’t find any of it funny. Despite her best efforts to stay calm, she was getting nervous.

“Sharon, I’m serious. Have you taken any drugs?”

The older queen gave an annoyed grunt. “Does it fucking matter?”

“Yes!” Alaska snapped. “You’ve either got the beginnings of a fever or you’re fucked up on some drug, so if you could please tell me which fucking thing it is so I don’t have to worry, that’d be great!”

At the end of her tirade, Sharon just rolled her eyes, flipping over onto her front.

“As if you worry about me.” She snorted derisively. “You don’t give two fucks about anything other than yourself, you never have.”

Alaska struggled to keep her cool. Drugs, she reminded herself. This wasn’t Sharon. Almost anyone who had seen Sharon high knew that she was a different, harsher person when she had taken something. She turned from a sensitive, caring guy to a mean-spirited, nasty one. The change was alarming.

“You know that I care about you, Sharon. And I worry about you a lot. So does Michelle, and all of our friends.”

Sharon sat up. “Right. Of course. Thanks for fucking reminding me. Because people who care about you tend to make jokes about your crippling drug habits instead of fucking helping to you, don’t they? Because people who say that they fucking care about you don’t give a shit what you do to yourself until it hurts them, right?”

She was spitting every word, each one like a gunshot in the eerie juxtaposition of silence that fell around them in the night.

“Please, Sharon,” Alaska tried again, feeling a lump in her throat. “I want to help you. Please just tell me what you’ve taken so I can do what I should’ve done a long time ago.”

It had gone on long enough.

“What’s the fucking point?” Sharon said, her bout of anger quickly replaced by hopelessness. “What can you do?”

Alaska dabbed at a tear in the corner of her eye, determined not to let it spill. “I can get you help for this drug problem once and for all. I can prove to you that I care about you. I can…I can tell you that I love you.”

How fucking poetic. What better place to admit to your ex – your ex who may or may not be high on some kind of illegal substance and is also in love with you – that you care about them and love them than a messy hotel room that smells like cigarettes and makeup and has clothes strewn all over the place? There really is no better place.

Sharon turned away from Alaska, leaned over the edge of the bed and spewed over the carpet, coughing and retching in a way that made Alaska herself want to hurl. Gingerly, she rubbed the older queen’s back, before using the corner of the duvet to wipe at her face.

“Please,” She asked again, her eyes glistening with tears as she held Sharon’s face steady between her hands. “Talk to me.”

Her hazy blue eyes began to flutter. As she pitched forwards and then righted herself again, Alaska realised that she was slipping out of consciousness.

“Sharon!” She begged, shouting desperately. “Just tell me!”

Her words became slurred. “Just s-some coke…”

Three short words were all she managed to rasp out before her eyes rolled back into her head and she slumped into Alaska’s arms, passed out. She tried to calm her erratic heartbeat, clutching Sharon like she was her lifeline. Her head throbbed, her heart ached, and her chest felt tight with worry as her mind raced through ways she could help. What was she going to do? Had she overdosed? Was she going to-to…?

Before the treacherous thought could even dare to enter her mind, Michelle raced through the door, Jinkx hot on her heels. Both of them had heard Alaska’s shout mere moments before, and burst in to see what was going on.

“Shit!” Jinkx cursed, as Michelle surged forwards and looked at Alaska with wide, searching eyes. Upon their arrival, the tears that were held back with such precision let loose, flowing down her face in ugly, stuttering sobs.

“She-I-She…” She tried to explain through her tears.

Michelle cut her off. “Breathe, breathe. Panicking won’t help. What happened?”

The sound of Jinkx in the doorway, dialling 911 on her phone and speaking in a low voice to the moderator, helped to calm her down slightly. After a few short, shuddering breaths, Alaska felt calm enough to speak.

“She was a-acting really strange, and then sh-she said she’d taken c-coke…”

Michelle cast a glance over at Jinkx, who nodded to assure her that she was already on the phone to the ambulance. Fear, both icy-cold and white-hot at the same time, seemed to inhabit her entire body. Without even realising, she clung onto Sharon for dear life, her arms wrapped tightly around her and one hand gently stroking her hair. Michelle watched her, a combination of pity, concern and fear on her face. Other than the sound of Jinkx talking on the phone, in an appropriately hushed tone, it was quiet.

Alaska was shaking. She hugged Sharon and let the tears run endlessly down her face, fully aware that her mouth was open and her nose was dripping and she looked like an utter mess, but too preoccupied to care. It would kill her if Sharon… if Sharon…

Jinkx lowered her phone and ran to Alaska’s side, enveloping her in a hug as Michelle did the same.

“The ambulance is on their way, they said it’ll arrive in about five minutes.” Jinkx murmured, her voice cracking.

Alaska said nothing, simply nodding gratefully as she continued to sob in distress. With Jinkx hugging her from the right and Michelle hugging her from the left, she held onto Sharon as if she were holding onto the foolish hope that maybe if she stayed by Sharon’s side she would be okay, and even though five minutes was a short amount of time it felt like a never-ending stretch of peril that taunted her with every single second that sliced by on the clock.


	7. Chapter 7

Terror. That was what that feeling was, that cold sense of dread that felt like a lead weight in Alaska’s stomach. Bile threatened to rise in her throat, tightening her chest, and the sickly smell of chemicals and hand sanitizer that inevitably permeated the hospital waiting room was doing nothing to calm her. She was quivering, her shoulders jumping up and down with the silent sobs that racked her slight frame. Michelle’s shoulder was as good a place as any to rest her tear-stained face, and Jinkx’s hand on her thigh offered the smallest bit of reassurance, but everything still felt horribly unfair.

None of them were allowed into the room where Sharon’s life was currently on the line. Alaska had begged bitterly, protesting and arguing in any way that she could. How could she leave Sharon in there on her own? She had always hated hospitals. If she was in her right mind, she would be petrified in there all alone. Then again, if she was in her right mind she wouldn’t be there in the first place.

Her arguments all fell on deaf ears. Alaska had found her like that; she had to be let in! No, it was against hospital protocol. Well, they were best friends, Sharon would want her there. No, Sharon was unconscious and subsequently could not express her opinion. They were exes, she had tried desperately. But no, you had to be family. It took physical restraining from Michelle and murmured words of comfort from Jinkx to stop her from storming into that tiny rubber room anyway, but the temptation was still there.

Despite the temptation, Alaska could feel her eyelids growing treacherously heavy. It had been far too long since she’d slept properly, but there was no way she was going to fall asleep here. Not when Sharon could be living or dying. What if she closed her eyes, drifted off and Sharon…

Dangerous thinking. Alaska forced herself not to go down that thought path. She would make it. She had to. She was strong, stronger than she believed herself to be. This wouldn’t be her end. It couldn’t be. As much as she tried to convince herself that this wasn’t Sharon’s final descent, she couldn’t rid her mind of the possibility. Almost all of Sharon’s idols lived in pure excess, dying young from their eccentric, drug-filled lifestyles. The punk rocker had always tried to emulate those idols, in her work and her look and her lifestyle. She would – and Alaska knew this for a fact – see this kind of death as the most punk way to go.

“I hate this.” Alaska said. She needed to break the silence, needed to bring some life to the otherwise dead atmosphere of the waiting room. If not a distraction, she at least needed something to keep her awake.

Jinkx stayed silent, curling into herself. It was clear she didn’t know how to deal with the situation, reverting into herself to avoid having to react any other way. Michelle wiped away a tear.

“Me too, baby.” She managed. “I worry about her so much. It has always felt like just a matter of time until she took it too far. I tried to warn her early on.”

Usually Michelle could diffuse any situation, but her blatant helplessness in the frigid waiting area only worsened Alaska’s mood.

“Don’t.” She croaked. “It sounds like you’re giving up on her.”

Michelle heaved a sigh. “I don’t want to give up hope. But I don’t want to cling onto false hope.”

“False hope is all we’ve got.” Jinkx muttered, her voice low. “We have to hold onto something.”

Alaska didn’t even bother to wipe at her glistening cheeks, knowing full well that it would be useless. “I wish I could go in there. I wish I could see her.”

She sniffed hard. “It’s not like her family can just fly out here to see her. Do they expect Joan to just waltz in here? We’re waiting for her, the least they could do is let us see her.”

Before either of the two besides Alaska could formulate a response, a young, nervous looking nurse scuttled out. Her eyes darted around the waiting room, quickly seeing that it was empty except for the pitiful trio, and she wrung her hands. Alaska’s heart sank.

“You’re here about Aaron Coady?” She asked, rather pointlessly. Her voice was shrill and shaky.

It was strange hearing her talked about by that name – a notion which was strange in itself. Michelle nodded, answering for the three of them.

“Are any of you three members of his family?”

Alaska had always been taught that lying was a sin, but god-fucking-dammit, Sharon was a sinner at heart. Without even thinking twice, she nodded.

“Well I’m his boyfriend.” She intoned.

Both Jinkx and Michelle’s eyes swivelled upwards to meet hers, but she shot them a deliberate look. Play along, she urged. Thankfully, it seemed to be an unspoken agreement between them that they would break as many rules and tell as many lies as necessary, so long that they got to find out how Sharon was doing. They were unbelievably lucky that this clueless nurse seemed unaware of who they were, as she seemed to just go along with their bullshit.

“Okay.” She hefted the clipboard that she held in her calloused fingers. “Are you okay with these two hearing his condition? Are they family too?”

Alaska nodded. “This is his mom.” She pointed at Michelle, holding back a badly-timed laugh as Michelle raised an eyebrow. “And that’s his cousin.”

The nurse scribbled something down on her clipboard. “Lovely. I’ll be right back, sit tight.”

She scurried back into the hospital room. The moment the door closed behind her, Alaska let out her laughter, hearing Jinkx do the same. She felt horrible for laughing during such a tense occasion, but the little moment of joy was too good to pass up.

“Really?” Michelle demanded, that same eyebrow arched with an amused smile on her lips. “His mom?”

Jinkx chuckled. “Perfect. I love it.”

“Hey!” Alaska defended herself. “I had to say something! What’s wrong with being his mom?”

Michelle scoffed. “The fact that there’s only thirteen years between us, not thirty.”

Jinkx was wheezing. “Teenage pregnancy is increasingly common.”

Michelle elbowed the two of them, silencing their laughter in favour of doubling over and grunting. As if on cue, their short-lived happiness subsided in time for the same nurse to reappear from the doorway – a jarring reminder that this could quite literally be life or death.

“Ever so sorry to keep you waiting, dears.” She started, shooting them an apologetic look. “There’s some good news, and obviously some bad news.”

Good news and bad news? It was music to Alaska’s ears. Good news meant that she was alive. Bad news meant that there were problems, which were inevitable, but she was alive. Still kicking it. Had she been less exhausted, she might have sprung out of her seat from the sheer excitement that rushed through her.

“Can we have the good news?” Michelle asked.

The nurse nodded. “He’s alive. They managed to act fast enough that his heart is mostly unaffected. Defibrillators weren’t necessary, and although we’re monitoring his heart rate closely, it’s still beating on it’s own. So that’s wonderful. Whoever found him and called the ambulance as soon as possible, you quite literally saved his life.”

Michelle squeezed onto Alaska tight. Jinkx had called the ambulance, but without Alaska she might have been passed out somewhere in the hotel until her heart simply gave up. And yet she was still fucking kicking it.

“What’s the bad news?” Jinkx sounded fearful. The euphoria quickly faded from Alaska’s thoughts as she fought back a yawn and listened intently, determined to stay awake.

“His lungs have been affected. The doctors believe there is acute bronchospasm, which is treatable but nonetheless severe. Is he known to smoke cigarettes?”

Alaska nodded, dumbfounded.

“That certainly won’t help, but don’t lose hope. There also appears to be signs of cirrhosis, although this is yet to be confirmed so don’t resign yourself to that fact immediately. Does he also drink a lot of alcohol?”

She nodded again. Was it not obvious that she was a complete and utter, alcoholic, drug-ridden and cigarette-smoking mess by now? Surely the hospital could tell she didn’t lead the healthiest of lifestyles.

“We’ll keep you updated.” The nurse finished, unaware of the effect her bluntness had on them. Alaska wasn’t sure whether to feel that Sharon was going to be okay, or that she was going to deteriorate. If anything, she was more confused than she had been before the so-called medical professional had opened her mouth.

“Can we see him?” Jinkx quipped.

The nurse thought about her request for a moment. “Be right back.”

She returned to the hospital room, leaving the three in a heavy silence as the squeaking of her shoes ceased. After a few sombre moments of waiting, she reappeared.

“Use this antibacterial soap on your hands and then you can come in.”

With the grace equivalent to that of a newborn deer, she shot to her feet and stumbled to clean her hands, clamouring to get inside the blindingly-white coffin of a hospital room where Sharon lay. Michelle and Jinkx were hot on her heels, just as eager to get inside.

The very moment the door closed behind them, Alaska remembered why she hated hospitals. Coupled with the clean scent of antibacterial soaps and chemicals, the unmistakable, nauseating smell of bodily fluids made her want to gag – and not in the good, drag queen way. In the corner, hooked up to machines and drips aplenty, a grim-looking bed with thin blue sheets stretched tightly over it held the passed out queen.

Alaska rushed to Sharon’s side instantly. There was something arrestingly beautiful about the morbid sight of her lying in the pale sheets, looking strangely peaceful. Next to the crisp whiteness of the bedsheets, her skin was waxy and ashen, an unhealthy grey tinge to it. Her long eyelashes fanned the tops of her cheekbones, and her lips were colourless and parted slightly. It was strange how such a macabre sight could appear so breathtaking.

An oxygen mask obscured the lower half of her face, and when Alaska’s hand wandered down to grasp Sharon’s, she noticed the copious amounts of IV drips going in and out of her, with empty syringes in the sanitation tray close by. A sense of irony struck her – Sharon Needles, the name by which she was most famously known, hated the sight of needles going into her skin. Perhaps it was a blessing that she wasn’t awake to see it.

Alaska had been so absorbed in Sharon that she had forgotten about Jinkx and Michelle until they made their presence known again.

“God…she looks…” Jinkx whispered, gazing at her in disbelief. Her voice was thick with poorly-concealed emotion.

Michelle sucked in a sharp intake of breath. “Fucking Christ. She looks like she’s half dead.”

With one hand, Michelle gently brushed Sharon’s blonde locks away from her face, and used the other hand to grip onto Alaska’s free one.

“She still looks beautiful.” Alaska murmured, finding that her voice had almost completely given up on her; probably due to the loud screaming and arguing she’d been doing in the hotel and at the hospital.

Michelle pursed her lips. “I hope I’m wrong. For your sake and hers.”

She bowed her head. “If she dies, I’m gonna kill her.”

Clearly not expecting that, Jinkx spluttered a short laugh, and Michelle did too. A brief smile flitted onto Alaska’s face, as she held Sharon’s limp hand tight in her own.

“I mean it. She promised me things were going to change.”

Somehow, Alaska knew Sharon hadn’t been lying. Things were going to change. Before she could dwell on exactly how things might change, she felt the inescapable fatigue beginning to pull her into its clutches once again. With nothing to stop her, Alaska’s eyelids grew heavy, and soon the stress of consciousness slipped from underneath her as she fell asleep, hearing nothing but the rhythmic pattern of the heart monitor.

-

It was the steady beep, beep, beep that had earlier lulled Alaska to sleep that woke her up. Her neck ached horribly, her body having slumped into a peculiar position in her slumber. She stretched stiffly, her eyes squeezed shut, not realising where she was until the heart monitor’s endless beeping shocked her into life.

“Sharon!” She gasped.

Unchanged from the previous night, she was still lying deathly still and pale in the hospital bed. The only difference was that the thin blue sheet that covered her torso and legs, which had originally been pressed and ironed to the point of rigidness, was now wrinkled – presumably from where Alaska’s head had been resting. Despite the awkward position she had slept in, and the ache that now resided in her muscles, Alaska couldn’t deny that she always slept better when she was near Sharon.

“Morning,” Michelle said.

She walked up from behind Alaska, two cups of coffee in her hands, and sat down next to her. Alaska took the coffee and sipped it, grateful for the warmth it provided in spite of the grey, foamy taste it left behind. Leaving Jinkx to snore open-mouthed in a chair at the other corner of the room, Michelle gazed onto Sharon’s sleeping face once again and rested her hand on Alaska’s shoulder.

“Some of the other girls are coming up here later.” She informed her, her voice solemn. “I don’t think we can continue with the tour, not after this.”

Alaska swallowed. “The fans-”

“-happen to be the least of our worries at the minute. I know you like to please everybody-”

“-but Sharon is more important.” Alaska finished heavily. “She always has been.”

Michelle nodded. “Right.”

“What…” Alaska started, trying to think of the words. “What are we going to say to the fans and press outlets? They’re going to question why the tour is cancelled, and the last thing Sharon needs is more drug speculations. The media have already tried to tear her apart with race and drug allegations.”

It wasn’t like Alaska expected Michelle to know what to do. The woman always seemed to have an answer, always seemed to be able to come up with a solution to every problem, and Alaska felt bad for relying so strongly on her in such an unpredictable, stressful circumstance. Even so, the guilt wasn’t enough to keep her from clinging onto the hope that she would magically fix everything.

“I suppose we’ll say something about personal reasons, ill-health…no names mentioned, obviously.”

Alaska sighed. “They’ll figure it out. I know they will.”

“There’s nothing we can do if that happens, Lasky.” Michelle admitted. “We just have to make sure we don’t feed into any rumours, and it should all work out. We all know how to work the press by now.”

The solemn conversation was quickly broken up by the sound of heels clacking against the polished floor; a signal of the arrival of the other queens, tentatively gathering into the tiny white room under the guise of being a peculiar bunch of cousins and siblings. The same ditzy nurse from before, none the wiser to their increasingly obvious lies, allowed them all in, berating them about causing ‘excess noise and stress to the patient’ before letting them make their way inside. Even though all of the girls left a small berth around the bed, acting as if it were a morgue table rather than a mere gurney, it was reassuring to have the likes of Detox, Katya, Courtney and the other girls beside her, their expressions as shaken and disturbed as Alaska felt.

“Let this be a lesson to all of you, ladies,” Michelle said grimly. “Sharon…”

The pause that she took was excruciating, especially as she became choked up when she spoke again. “Sharon very nearly lost her life last night, and she’s going to be in here for a while. If you take anything from this, be selfish and use it as a wake-up call.”

Tears resurfaced in Alaska’s eyes. For hours, stretching from when they arrived at the hospital to right now, she had been too preoccupied to really take any notice of the tears, but they fell again now; hot and fast, flowing down her face in torrents. She loved all of her sisters to death, Michelle included, but this was not a fucking wake up call for the other girls. This was the climax of a problem that everybody, even Sharon herself, had been doing their best to ignore despite its glaring need to be addressed. She bristled with offence at the notion that some of them would use it as a selfish reason to detox, however she kept her lips firmly shut, aware that if she protested it would come across far harsher than she meant it. Instead, she let Courtney hug her from behind and leaned back to breathe in the Australian’s familiar perfume scent.

The girls talked quietly for a while, grouped together, until Michelle suggested that they make their way to the hospital cafeteria to get lunch. Alaska declined their offer, too worried to eat and refusing to leave Sharon’s side. With one last, nervous glance in her direction, Michelle and the rest of the girls trooped out.

A nurse came in, fiddling with some scary-looking silver tools as she began to look over Sharon’s vitals. Instantly queasy, Alaska looked away, distracting herself with the sudden realisation that her phone had been blowing up since the previous night.

Willam: someone talk to me i’m so bored right now

Willam: ughhhhhhhh

Willam: I’ll just keep texting until someone responds

Willam: bet ur all asleep

Willam: losers

Willam: actually, needles won’t be asleep

Willam: SOMEONE TALK TO ME

Willam: i hate all of you

Courtney: I just woke up chill out willam, it’s like quarter past one

Courtney: i can hear sirens???

Willam: police or ambulance?

Courtney: it’s the same siren, idiot

Courtney: Alaska, are you awake? Can u hear it?

Courtney: Sharon, can you?

Willam: look out the window, see if u can see anything

Courtney: ok

Courtney: ambulance

Courtney: ohhh shit, it’s right outside the hotel

Courtney: i’m gonna try and see what’s going on, hold on

Willam: alaska? Guess ur still sleeping

Courtney: Michelle isn’t in her room? Alaska is she with you?

Courtney: willam, alaska isn’t in her room either. And where tf is michelle?

Willam: Alaska, please tell us you’re okay. Im getting worried now

Willam: is sharon awake yet? Sounds like theres a load of shit going down

Courtney: just spoke to Katya. Apparently jinkx isn’t in her room either

Willam: I hope none of them are hurt. Lasky, when you see these please text us

Willam: sharon ffs wake up and text us

Courtney: sharon is gone too

Willam: fuck

Willam: Alaska, text back asap. This is scary

Courtney: im right by the front of the hotel. I can see michelle getting into the ambulance

Courtney: i assume the rest of the girls are with her?

Courtney: fuck. Hope everyone is okay

Willam: of course there’s gonna be someone who isn’t. Is anyone else with u?

Courtney: yeah. Bianca is here and Detox, adore, basically all of the girls

Courtney: Bi says it’s something to do with sharon…

Willam: shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

Courtney: lasky, text us. What the fuck is going on?

Willam: i’m kinda terrified

Courtney: me too

Alaska’s heart raced as she scrolled through, reliving the trauma of that night as she felt the sheer panic in their texts. The other girls didn’t know what had happened until that morning when Michelle called and told them all, and they must have been terrified realising that three girls and Michelle were all missing in an ambulance, with no explanation to settle their minds.

Alaska: hey willam. Don’t know if Courtney told you separately what happened but we’re at the hospital

Willam: holy fucking shit. I’ve been so worried, what happened?

Alaska: it’s a long story

Willam: shorten it. I haven’t slept all night worrying about you all

Alaska: stumbled into sharon at maybe 1am. She was acting kinda weird. Next thing i knew she was passing out and told me she’d taken coke. Overdose.

Willam: shit

Willam: is she ok? Are u okay? Please be okay

Alaska: im fine. She’s currently being checked over, passed out in the bed. Apparently her heart is ok but they’re not so sure about her lungs and liver

Courtney: she looked like shit

Alaska: i was trying to avoid saying that…

Willam: Jesus fucking Christ. Keep me updated, okay?

Willam: and Alaska

Willam: i know what you’re like. Don’t beat yourself up over this because it isn’t your fault.

It was shocking how well Willam could read her mind. Alaska knew that it wasn’t her fault – it wasn’t like she was forcing to Sharon to take drugs, or just sitting back and letting her do it – but the guilt still lingered inside her like a ravenous beast waiting to devour her. Sharon’s words from last night had stuck with her. Because people who care about you tend to make jokes about your crippling drug habits instead of fucking helping you, don’t they? All of Alaska’s jokes, Jinkx’s jabs in the Snatch Game, Bianca’s snarky comments; they must have been getting to her without any of them realising.

She reminded herself that Sharon’s reactions to their jokes was again, out of her control. Outwardly, she always laughed and seemed amused with all their digs, even chipping in with her own more often than not. It wasn’t Alaska’s fault, nor anybody else’s, that Sharon acted like she was fine but was upset about it on the inside.

But how could she blame Sharon like that? It wasn’t fair. Seeing her lying still in the gurney, the nurse having left them alone again, it just seemed wrong to push all the blame onto Sharon. She just looked so weak. So helpless.

Alaska squeezed Sharon’s hand, rubbing circles into her smooth skin. She brought it up to her lips, kissing it softly as she murmured fervent apologies under her breath. For yelling at you. For fighting with you. For hurting you. For breaking up. For emotional torment. For screaming and arguing. For all the confusion. For the friendship we almost lost. For the love I tried not to reciprocate. For the love I waited too long to express.

-

Life seemed to come to a halt. With the tour cancelled, a brief statement issued to the fans with sincere apologies and refunds, they all seemed stuck in a limbo. Most of the girls returned home, some performing in bars and getting themselves gigs and others taking a well-deserved rest. Michelle and Alaska had remained where they were, hardly ever leaving Sharon’s side. Day in, day out, she lay in the hospital bed, rail thin and sickly pale, appearing no closer to waking up than she was to dying. She didn’t have cirrhosis, it turned out, but she was at risk of developing it if she continued to drink at the rate she did. For the most part, she just seemed to be scraping by, a mask making her breathe and a tube making her eat and a doctor making her heart beat. They were just stuck.

It had been two weeks. Having been on tour for a little while before…before everything went wrong, that took them up to now. Late December. Christmas was quickly approaching, and Alaska had plans to fly out that night, Christmas Eve, and see her family. Though it would surely benefit her, being away and relaxing for a short while, the idea of leaving Sharon to spend Christmas in the company of nurses and doctors made her feel sicker than the overwhelmingly clean hospital smell once had. Then again, she’d grown accustomed to the cold, unfeeling atmosphere of the hospital, so she was sure that she could get used to the feeling of having no stress caging her heart for a short while. The last two weeks had been spent running on stress, fear, coffee and pep-talks with Michelle. Michelle needed them as much as Alaska did.

“She looks so fucking skinny.” Alaska said.

Michelle breathed a laugh. “I know, right? Sharon always used to make me so mad with how little she was. Then I met you.”

The two shared a smile. “Have you eaten today?”

It was funny how this was the mundane nature of their conversations these days. Talking about Sharon as if she wasn’t lying comatose in front of them, and speaking about every day, nondescript things. They were almost dancing around the things neither of them wanted to say.

“Yeah. Had some shitty toast and orange juice. This hospital food seems to be growing on me.”

Michelle grinned. “I know, right?”

She paused. “You’re flying home tonight, aren’t you?”

Alaska swallowed. “Yeah. I…”

“You don’t want to leave her.” Michelle stated bluntly. It appeared that their dancing around had ceased.

“Right.” Alaska said. “I worry about her. Always have. And now…”

She didn’t need to finish. Some words were better left unspoken.

“You deserve this time, though.” She reassured the blonde queen, wrapping her arms around her in a warm hug. “It’s Christmas Eve, you can take a little bit of time to relax and feel festive.”

Even though the guilt felt like an anchor around her neck as she tried to swim in the endless ocean of the hospital walls, Alaska decided to just listen to Michelle’s words and take some time for herself. This had been one of their problems in the first place; never knowing when to think of themselves over the other, and vice versa. She had spent every night by Sharon’s bedside, whispering to her and studying her blank face for any sign of a reaction. It was in the wee hours of the morning that she marvelled at how her features seemed to be carved from pure marble, a Greek statue of timeless beauty. Then daytime came, and she just looked sick and ill, and all of the stress returned. She deserved a Christmas break.

Returning to the fateful hotel felt wrong. Walking into the lobby, in broad daylight, her mind was plagued by memories of flashing blue lights, blaring sirens and Sharon’s overheated, passed-out body in her arms being roughly pulled away from her by the paramedics. As quickly as she could, she made her way into the elevator and began to pace the corridors of the hotel, avoiding people as much as possible until she could slip into her room to pack up her things. It didn’t take long – she refused to stay longer than necessary – and called a taxi to take her to the airport. Better to get there an hour or two early than to be late.

Sunglasses on. Hat pulled low. Jacket zipped. About as incognito as she could get, Alaska sank down into the uncomfortable plastic chairs that the airport provided and rested her feet on her luggage, using the time to take out her phone and distract herself again. She knew that if she let her mind wander, it would inevitably end up thinking of Sharon again.

Alaska: at the airport, i’m people-watching again. It’s less fun without my AAA girls with me.

Courtney: going home for xmas?

Alaska: yas

Willam: we’ll help. Tell us someone u can see

Alaska: middle aged man

Courtney: alone?

Alaska: yep

Willam: wife probably left him and took the kids with her. Maybe three kids?

Alaska: no, four. A grumpy teen, a tween, an over-excited annoying child and the innocent toddler that unites all the siblings. He has a briefcase, so he’ll be one of those dads that got divorced cus he was always working

Courtney: but he’s gonna make this the best Christmas ever by buying his kids a great gift and/or becoming Satan

Willam: Satan? I think you meant Santa, Courm.

Courtney: oh shit, yeah I meant Santa!!

Alaska: lmao that would be way more exciting for a Christmas film. Divorced dad becomes satan

She laughed out loud. Those girls were fucking crazy, they really were. It was everything that Alaska needed, a breath of fresh air and clarity amidst all of the craziness her life had fallen into. She could always count on Willam and Courtney to be downright stupid and hilarious, always knowing what to say and what not to say depending on the situation. They were literally angels, honestly. Alaska made a note to send them both gifts and cards when she got home; something superficial and traditional to show her appreciation.

Her heart ached suddenly, her mind reverting back to Sharon. Even after they broke up, so close to Christmas, since then they had always given each other gifts and cards. Granted, most of the time the cards were filled with sheer insults and the gifts were subtle ways to read one another, but that light-hearted humour that was missing from the festive season already felt strange. Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without gag gifts and reading.

And Sharon would be spending Christmas alone. In the company of an IV drip and a heart monitor and an oxygen mask. In a hospital gown that she would hate wearing, with nurses she would hate talking to.

Wrenching her mind from those thoughts, Alaska listened as she heard the last call for her flight, and walked to join the queue of people waiting to fly back. It would be nice to see her mom and dad, Cory, Ryan, Brooke… maybe she could get in contact with Cherri and Amy again, and she’d definitely have to meet with Jeremy – this would be good fun. Michelle had promised she would visit Sharon whilst Alaska was away, not nearly as frequently as Alaska wished but enough to keep her sated. At least she wouldn’t be totally alone.

She was seconds away from boarding when her phone rang, the chorus of ‘Anus’ blaring loudly from her pocket and causing the flight staff to shoot her a strange look. Not even bothering to look at the caller ID, Alaska quickly silenced the ringtone by pressing the phone to her ear and answering.

“Hieee!”

“Alaska? Are you the plane yet?”

The sound of Michelle’s voice, usually one that brought joy to Alaska, made her stomach lurch. She sounded urgent.

“No, I’m queuing to board. What’s going on? Is Sharon okay? Did she-”

Michelle cut her off. “She…well…I don’t know.”

“What the fuck do you mean?!” Alaska shouted, seeing red. She moved out of the way so other passengers could board, one hand on her luggage as she began to glide through the airport and towards the exit.

“I don’t know!” Michelle shot back. “They all barged in and the monitors were going crazy and they kicked me out. Get down here.”

Alaska didn’t need to be told twice. She bolted.


	8. Chapter 8

Christmas Eve. The time of year that you spend with your loved ones, reminding them how much they mean to you and remembering how important family really is. Everything is warm, in soft hues of gold and scarlet and green. It sounds like crackers exploding and fireplaces roaring and children laughing and wrapping paper being torn from gifts. It smells of red wine and expensive chocolate and Christmas turkey cooking in the oven.

Except in Alaska’s case. It looked like stark white, bleak grey, icy blue. It sounded like shoes squeaking on a polished floor and monitors beeping and metal instruments clanging against steel trays. It smelt like pungent soap and nightmares and cleanliness.

She leant her head once again on Michelle’s shoulder, which was already wet with previously-shed tears. Michelle had no reason to be there, really – she had her own family who she could have been spending her time with – but from the sheer kindness and compassion that the woman possessed, she waited alongside Alaska as Sharon’s fate was hung in the air. Together, they cried until their tears ran dry and then some more.

“She could be dying right this very second and we don’t have a fucking clue.” Alaska stated, her voice thick. She had long since abandoned the idea of tiptoeing around the harrowing words. The dread that settled into the pit of her stomach told her all she needed to know about the likelihood of her survival.

Michelle sniffed. “Don’t say that. Don’t say it.”

“Like saying it will have any effect at all. If it did, I’d be sat here chanting ‘she’s gonna survive’ but the real world doesn’t fucking work like that, does it? The real word doesn’t give a shit.”

The words tumbled from her lips in angry, bitter torrents. She was tired. Exhausted, actually. She was starving. She was fairly certain that her best friend, along with whatever else you could call Sharon, was going to die. Christmas morning, she was going to wake up to that ditzy bitch of a nurse informing her that her boyfriend had died. Except she wasn’t her boyfriend, she was an ex, a friend, a lover, an enemy, a star. She was a thousand and one fragmented pieces of the universe condensed into a single fucked up human being. She was an enigma wrapped in a riddle, soaked in cheap beer, swathed in cigarette smoke and plagued by a past and present of drugs, fame and spotlights.

Maybe it was selfish of her to be thinking of herself, but Alaska couldn’t help it. The niggling pain in her chest was nothing short of the same heartache she’d felt years ago, on that fateful night in December. In a dark, twisted kind of way, she almost felt like laughing at her own foolishness. Allowing herself to think for even a second that the stars had aligned and everything would be alright. How could she have betrayed her heart like that, again? Falling for Sharon was never a good idea; it never ended well. As per fucking usual, the timing wasn’t right. Her naive heart had been kidding itself that they had the whole ‘love’ thing down to an art, but it was just a sick joke. The world was laughing in her face, and in Sharon’s deathly pale face too.

“If this is how it ends-”

“It won’t be.”

“But if it is-”

“It can’t be.”

“Michelle-”

“Alaska-”

“Michelle-”

“Alaska, please-”

Alaska had to cut her off. “We can’t kid ourselves like there’s no way she’s going to die. We can’t do that, Michelle. It’ll only make losing her so much harder.”

Michelle nodded. “I know… I know. I just don’t-I don’t know what’s gonna happen from here.”

“Life goes on.” Alaska choked up. “Ultimately, I’m heartbroken, friends and family are heartbroken, and we all regret not doing more to help, or to tell her how much she means to us. But life has to go on, right?”

Michelle closed her eyes. “Of course it does. But that doesn’t make it any easier.”

She let out a long, slow breath of air and curled her arm around Alaska’s shoulder, pulling her into a warm embrace. It wasn’t much, and it didn’t help, but it was nice to just be close to a beating heart. A beating heart that could momentarily distract her from the chilling thought that Sharon’s might not be.

“Have your family said anything since you cancelled?” Michelle prompted, in lieu of a distraction.

Alaska fumbled for her phone. “I don’t know… no, they haven’t. But I have messages…”

Willam: i hate to be the bearer of bad news

Willam: but I have bad bad news

Courtney: it’s so bad

Willam: it’s really bad

Courtney: I think it was Detox’s phone that got hacked

Willam: I… I’m so fucking sorry

Willam: I have a link here. My heart is breaking. I’m sorry Alaska.

\- Willam Belli sent a link –

“Oh, no.” Michelle murmured, reading over her shoulder. “I don’t – I don’t even want to know. Are you gonna look?”

Alaska sighed heavily. “I guess I have to. Yet another article designed to ruin our fucking lives, I bet.”

‘Rupaul’s Drag Race – or Rupaul’s Drug Race? Season Four Winner Reported Being in “Critical Condition” After Drug Overdose’

 

‘It seems like only yesterday that fans of the controversial spook queen Sharon Needles were rejoicing over the possibility that their beloved drag super couple, Sharon and Alaska, were reuniting. However, did we celebrate too soon? An exclusive image of a text sent from BOTS host Michelle Visage to the other touring queens has revealed that perhaps the queen of shock value and punk reverence has taken things a step too far. The image is below:

Michelle: I’m sure you’re all very worried and confused as of late. In short, Sharon has suffered a pretty serious overdose on cocaine, and we’re in the hospital currently. We’re not sure how she’s doing, but we can gather that it isn’t too well. As of now, we’re not allowed to see her or know anything about her treatment or condition other than it is severe. Unfortunately this does mean that the tour is cancelled, however I know you’re all much more concerned about Sharon than anything else. If nothing else, keep her in your thoughts and prayers. We need a miracle.

According to sources at the hotel in which the queens were staying, it was roughly ten minutes past one in the morning when Sharon was discovered by close friend and ex, Alaska Thunderfuck, in an inebriated state. It is known that not too long after being found, Sharon passed out and an ambulance was called, taking her away to the hospital where she currently resides.

A witness report from a guest at the hotel told us, “I wasn’t aware of who Sharon was when I saw her. She was walking down the hotel corridors, zigzagging as if she couldn’t stay in a straight line, and seemed to have no control over herself. I thought nothing of it, thinking she was most likely drunk, but the next time I saw her after that, the paramedics were carrying her passed out on a stretcher, with a dark haired woman and two men racing behind.”

[The bolded figures have since been identified as Michelle Visage, Justin Honard and Jerick Hoffer]

Other reports said Needles appeared “disorderly and out-of-it” as well as “unpleasant, temperamental and rude”.

We were unable to reach Michelle Visage and Alaska Thunderfuck for their thoughts on the situation, and Jinkx Monsoon declined to comment when questioned about the events.

We are sorry to hear of such a tragedy occurring, so close to what is usually the most festive time of the year. We wish Sharon a speedy recovery and hope that she uses this experience as a reminder of the dangers of drugs.

For more information on drug abuse and addiction, click here.’

Yet again, the media hadn’t failed in its task of enraging Alaska beyond boiling point. Her skin grew prickly with heat as she felt the blood rush to her face, colouring her cheeks an indignant crimson.

“This is bullshit.” She growled. “Listen to this. We hope she uses this experience as a reminder of the dangers of drugs. Is this real?! I hope she fucking survives, not that she learns a fucking preschool lesson!”

She ran her hands through her hair, incensed. Without even realising, she began tugging at the short brown strands, itching to feel some kind of physical pain that matched the emotional turmoil. It was only when a tearful Michelle took hold of both her hands and squeezed them in her own that she tried to slow her rapid breathing, the muscle in her jaw clenched tightly.

“That headline.” She raged, teeth gritted so hard that the words barely came out. “That fucking headline. How can they even get away with that? Rupaul’s Drug Race?! I wish I could comment.”

Michelle, overcome with tears, shook her head fiercely. “Don’t comment. I know you want to but you can’t.”

“The fan response is gonna be huge. I dread to think of it.”

“Me too.”

Alaska stared blankly into her phone screen. “If any of the fans pick up on the shitty parts of the article, I’m acknowledging it. I can’t let this go.”

Michelle tried and failed to hide her quivering lip. “Alaska, you’re not thinking straight. Please, just calm down.”

“I’m calm,” She lied through her teeth, raising her hands in a placating gesture. “But Sharon… Sharon always used to say that you should never be afraid of your mouth. Go balls to the wall and say whatever the fuck you want, no censorship. I love you Michelle, you know I do – but just try and stop me.”

The older woman resigned, knowing she wouldn’t win the battle. They sat for a minute or two in a passive quietness, silently stewing, until Alaska unlocked her phone screen once more, taking to twitter.

Alaska Thunderfuck - @Alaska5000 – Dec. 24  
Very clever of you, making a pun about drugs in an article about my dearest friend’s possibly fatal overdose. I appreciate the sentiment.

Alaska Thunderfuck - @Alaska5000 – Dec. 24  
Here’s my comment: fuck u. Times like this aren’t for clever headlines, they’re for respect and well-wishes. Hacking a phone and jokes? No.

Alaska Thunderfuck - @Alaska5000 – Dec. 24  
You did a really good job at making light of a dark situation. Props to you guys for being the worst reporters I have ever encountered.

Alaska Thunderfuck - @Alaska5000 – Dec. 24  
To all the fans tweeting #getwellsharon, we love you. Thanks for the support, we sincerely hope we can update you soon with good news. xx <3

Michelle was right; it was stupid and didn’t make her feel any better. But at the same time, not speaking her mind would have driven her insane. Unfortunately, it seemed as though she were destined to be driven insane anyway. Her eyes glazed over as she stared at the blank hospital wall, bitterly wishing she could exchange places with Sharon, letting the night slip away beneath her.

-

“Merry Christmas.”

Michelle’s voice was barely above a whisper, but it was enough to break the strange insomniac-trance Alaska had fallen into. She’d been awake the entire night, feeling as though her heart was slowly dissipating into an endless pit of despair. It was almost like some higher being was trying to tell her that being in love with Sharon was not what she was supposed to be doing, and was throwing any obstacle that they could after her in an attempt to correct her. In her late night, early morning thoughts, the scattered ones that rushed in and displayed themselves in their rawest, truest forms, she had made a promise. No matter what was thrown at her, no matter what stood in her way – she would find a way around it. Get over it. Crush it into dust and break all the rules.

“Merry Christmas to you too.” Alaska croaked back.

It was either going to be the best Christmas she had ever experienced or the worst she ever would experience. She tried to ignore the plummeting sensation in her chest and focused her sights on the former option.

Alaska: Merry Christmas xx

Courtney: Merry Christmas lasky, and willam xxx

Willam: merry Christmas x

Willam: …any news?

Alaska: none. I’ve been awake all night

Courtney: i’m so sorry all of this is happening

Willam: me too. I hope they update you soon. We all need some good news

Alaska: thank you

Perfectly on cue, a man emerged from behind the evil white door and regarded the two, slumped against one another with sheer exhaustion and terror.

“Merry Christmas to you two.” He greeted, his voice deep and rich. His mocha skin was glistening with sweat, which he dabbed at self-consciously.

Alaska pulled herself properly upright. “Oh thank fuck you’re not that other nurse. Merry Christmas, tell me that he’s okay. Tell me I can go and see him.”

Michelle’s head whipped round to face Alaska, as if she were about to berate her, but Alaska didn’t care. She had no sleep, no filter, and no time for any bullshit. She’d had it. Officially.

The nurse nodded slowly. “Mr Coady is currently asleep-”

He didn’t even get the chance to finish his sentence before Alaska’s heart soared and a loud whoop escaped from her lips. She sprang to her feet, energized by five simple words.

“So he’s alive! He’s alive, he’s okay, right? He’s alive!” She babbled.

The nurse nodded again, clearly intimidated. “Yes he is.”

Michelle stood next, acting much calmer, although Alaska could see the hope and excitement shining in her eyes. She clutched Alaska’s hand and held tight.

“Can we see him?”

He mumbled something about I’m not sure if that’s allowed under his breath, wringing his hands and staring down at his feet, but Alaska wasn’t about to sit down and wait another twenty four hours and neither was Michelle. After being fixed under two laser-hot death stares, the nurse caved and let them in.

Alaska flew to Sharon’s side immediately. She looked virtually the same – too thin, too pale, too lifeless – but her chest was rising and falling, slowly, little by little. If the oxygen mask and slightly messier hair was anything to go on, Sharon Needles was still alive. And never had she looked more beautiful.

Instantly, she buried her face in the crook of Sharon’s neck, paying no attention to the masks and tubes and wires. She burst into fresh tears all over again.

“This is the best Christmas present I could ask for.” She hiccupped, her hand gently stroking Sharon’s cheek. “This is all I wanted.”

Michelle nodded in agreement. “I’ll have to let everybody know, in a moment.”

It seemed that Michelle was thinking on the same wavelength as Alaska – they needed to savour that moment. It didn’t feel like Christmas, even with the limp coil of tinsel half-heartedly draped over the top of the gurney, but that didn’t matter. There was no need for the smell of Christmas dinner or the twinkle of fairy lights. Alaska would deal with this shithole of a place over a regular Christmas any day. So long as Sharon was alive.

Alaska: actually feel blessed. She’s still alive

Courtney: Jesus Christ

Willam: the bitch just won’t die huh

Courtney: WILLAM

Courtney: ffs be nice

Willam: what? The worrying is over, gotta lighten the mood

Alaska: #whyitgottabelight

Courtney: why do i associate myself with you clowns?

Alaska: merry Christmas. Again. Because this time i mean it

Willam: oh so u didn’t mean it last time?

Willam: bitch. I will cut you

Courtney: im from azuza

Alaska: call me delano cus i adore you

Willam: why are u still texting

Willam: shouldn’t you be gazing into the eyes of your lover and thinking deep romantic thoughts rn?

Alaska: piss off.

Alaska: i did that earlier

Courtney: so are you two like…?

Alaska: how the fuck do u expect me to know?

Alaska: i’ll just ask her – oh wait she’s passed out on the hospital bed. Idiots

Willam: didn’t think about that

Courtney: we never think

Alaska: clearly

Willam: #uckfoff

A million cliché thoughts rushed through her head, making her want to laugh out loud. Some would call it a Christmas miracle, or say that the big man upstairs was smiling down on them. It was all bullshit, and the fact that Sharon would scoff at it made the thoughts a tenfold more amusing in her mind. Even so, she betrayed herself by muttering a quick thanks, just in case there was somebody up there after all.

“Life is so cruel.” She found herself saying. “Isn’t it?”

Michelle’s eyebrows knitted together, confused. “What do you mean?”

She sighed. “I don’t know. Like, I’m so so glad she’s alive, but seeing her looking so…dead, I guess… it’s horrible.”

Michelle hummed in sympathy, pursing her lips. She moved closer to Alaska, their eyes meeting for a brief moment as they shared the heaviness of the burden, before she turned her gaze back to Sharon.

“It’s kind of like a game that no one knows how to play.” She added.

Alaska nodded in agreement. “With a million different prizes and punishments, and they all fit into both categories.”

They fell silent, then laughed quietly. “Getting a bit deep on Christmas day, aren’t we?” Alaska chuckled.

“Right!” Michelle laughed.

“I have realised something, though.” Alaska began, and then laughed at herself again. “2016 is the year of realising things…”

Michelle gently thwacked her arm, circling her hand in a gesture for her to carry on.

“I guess…” She continued, feeling stupid. “How short our lives are. How little time we have to be with the people we love.”

She swallowed. “I feel like I’ve wasted precious time with Sharon. Any time she asked to hang out and I declined, or when I avoided her after we broke up…”

If there was one thing Alaska was sure of, it was that their time definitely wasn’t slowing down. There was no telling when the stream of sand would cease and the hourglass would be full, signalling that their time was up. She had been so bitter – relieved, but bitter – after their warring hearts finally separated, and so much time had been wasted. Three years of awkward, touchy friendship. It was strong, and solid; the same close relationship they’d always had, only it was teetering on the edge of a cliff. It was like a band-aid on a body in desperate need of life-saving surgery. They balanced it precariously on a ledge they swore neither of them would fall off, lest they get hurt again. Yet neither of them had thought, until now, to peer over the ledge and see what was really lying in wait for them. The dying embers of a past flame, or the flickering curls of a new fire? They’d waited too long.

“Don’t.” Michelle advised her. “Everything happens for a reason. The good, the bad, the dirty, it all means something. What’s that saying – only know you love them when you let them go? You two didn’t love one another. You were so close and burning so bright that you were both blinded by it. You needed to remove yourself from it to properly assess the situation and see what really went wrong. It’s clear that you both care deeply about the other, that the two of you are in love. The time apart was necessary to gain a shot at a second chance.”

That was true. She had been numb – unfeeling – staying simply because the thought of being alone in a world of paparazzi and fame was too terrifying for either of them to even imagine. Alaska picked fights just because it made her feel something. Sharon fought back because it made her feel nothing. Granted, their time apart had helped her see clearly, but the dread that she was too late still hung in the air like a winter chill. There was still the chance that Sharon could die, even if she’d survived so far.

“What if we don’t get a second chance? I couldn’t live with myself.” Alaska whispered.

Michelle embraced her. “This is your second chance, baby. Even if she’s not awake to see it, she knows you’re here. She knows you love her. You cancelled Christmas with your family to sit here in this hospital with no sleep and no food, just to see if she lives or dies. Your second chance is right now.”

“How do I do it right, this time?” She asked, even though it was impossible for Michelle to provide all the answers. “I don’t want it to fuck up again. Sharon promised me things would change.”

Michelle’s expression said it all. There was no way of knowing how to do it right. There was no way of doing it right, really. But Alaska would be damned if she didn’t know that if Sharon woke up, and if she recovered, she would work day and night to make something work for them. She would toil and sweat and bleed to ensure something worked. And she would remember that it takes two, so she needed to think of herself too. Everything would be so much better this time. She would make personally sure of it.

A muffled sound pulled her out of her thoughts. She looked around, trying to identify the source, wondering if she had imagined it when nothing appeared to be making a sound. Then she heard it again, muffled as though something were obscuring it. Almost against her own will, her eyes flickered down to Sharon, lying in front of her. She heard it a third time, and saw it too.

A cough.


	9. Chapter 9

Miracles are a peculiar thing, really. By definition, a miracle is as follows; an extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore attributed to a divine agency. So miracles really are some of the strangest phenomenons to exist.

Alaska didn’t exactly agree with that definition. Miracles are extraordinary and welcome, of course, but anything can be explained by nature and science. It would be foolish of her to try and pretend that anything regarding Sharon was attributed to a “divine agency”, that was for sure. The only thing divine about Sharon was the drag queen she admired so much. Perhaps it wasn’t a miracle, after all.

Even so, Alaska’s heart soared. It wasn’t a miracle. It wasn’t a grandiose, heart-stopping shower of sparkles and euphoria and bright colours that lit up the room in flashes like some ungodly angelic nightmare. Nothing like that at all. But what it was happened to be even better. A cough.

“D-Did you hear that?” Alaska stuttered, her voice hardly working.

Michelle’s hand instantly grabbed her wrist, holding it in a vice grip. Her face turned urgent as she locked eyes with Alaska, a mixture of hope and terror mingling across her features.

“I did. Was that-”

“-A cough? I think-”

“-It has to have bee-”

“-Do you think she’s-”

“-Going to…?”

Neither of them could finish a sentence, rushing only to complete the fragments of the other’s. Alaska’s breath came in short, sharp pants. Come on, Sharon. Come on.

Her gaze wandered down. Still as ghostly white and lifeless as before, Sharon lay in the gurney with her eyes shut and her lips parted. Garish purple veins decorated her eyelids as if they were straining to stay closed. Admittedly, her hopes had risen far too high considering their situation, thinking Sharon was going to open her eyes and be perfectly fine. The queen was in fact looking sicker than ever, the pale-white sheen of her skin transforming into a waxen, almost bluish shade. Her cheeks were hollow and sunken, with the shadows that usually resided underneath her eyes darker than ever before. The sight was grim but bewitching.

She didn’t look any closer to waking than dying. Alaska’s heart sank, and she slumped back down into her chair, wrenching her hand from Michelle’s grasp in order to clutch at Sharon’s cold fingers once again.

“Nope.” Alaska sighed. “She doesn’t look like she’s gonna wake up. She looks like she’s gonna fucking die.”

Before Michelle could answer, the nurse entered the room, her shoes squeaking on the polished linoleum as she busied herself with putting on rubber gloves. Her head turned towards Alaska as she spoke the last few words, and she shot a sympathetic smile their way as she approached.

“This one has been causing us a lot of trouble, he really has.” She said, almost fondly, cocking her head to the side as she looked at Sharon. “Your boyfriend, correct?”

Alaska remembered her lie with a pang, and nodded. “Y-Yeah.” She stammered. “Is he okay?”

It seemed like a dumb question, considering that Sharon lay in front of them looking anything but okay, but she still itched to know what was going on. Why Michelle had phoned in a panic and they’d sat waiting for hours on Christmas Eve listening to footsteps squeaking, doctors talking furtively and monitors beeping and flashing. If Sharon was going to pull through or if she should stop the surmounting hope that came with every shallow breath Sharon breathed.

The nurse watched her for a minute. “I suppose I can tell you two, you’re family…”

She paused. “He’s clearly been through a lot. His body was rejecting everything we gave him, we were convinced at one point that his liver would fail but luckily we sorted that issue, and…” The nurse faltered, like she didn’t want to break any news to them. “He went into respiratory arrest last night.”

Alaska closed her eyes. As if this could get any worse. At least she’s still here. But she’s not making things fucking easy for herself. If she dies, I really am going to kill her. She can’t do this to me. She can’t do this to herself. She can’t do this to her fans. It isn’t fair.

“-fluids, it’s fairly common…” The nurse was saying, but only Michelle was paying attention. The older woman nodded along, fully aware Alaska was lost in her own thoughts again. “…cough, but it seems unlikely that-”

It sounded again. Sharon’s chest juddered, a slight movement that wouldn’t have been noticed if it hadn’t been for Alaska’s hand, which had moved from holding Sharon’s limp fingers to resting on her skinny torso. Underneath the oxygen mask, her lips parted. Ever so slightly, her eyelashes fluttered.

“He just coughed.” Alaska stated, pushing down the excitement that rose inside her to try and maintain a calm exterior. Inside, she bristled with excitement. “He jus-”

Sharon coughed again, louder this time. Her eyelashes fluttered once more, and her eyebrows knitted together. Michelle grabbed Alaska’s arm, her head twisting instantly to face the nurse.

“That-”

Then all of a sudden, like magic, those shocking blue eyes blinked once, twice, fringed by those heavy dark lashes, and then they were darting around the room to try and familiarise their surroundings, and Alaska’s own eyes were wet with tears.

“Oh my god, Aaron.” Michelle breathed. Alaska sniffed, unable to formulate the words to describe how she felt. She just stared down at Sharon – Sharon, who was awake – and wiped at her tears, rubbing her skin raw with how often she’d cried.

Sharon’s eyes moved between the two, watching Michelle’s trembling lip and Alaska’s tears, and then she looked down. With a jolt, Alaska recognised that expression. Guilt. Shame. Sharon couldn’t bear to even look them in the eyes.

“Oh, he’s awake! Doctor Matt, can we get…”

Once again they were ushered out, with promises that they’d be allowed back in just a few minutes after they’d done some routine tests spilling over their apologetic lips. Tears still pouring down her face, Alaska sank down into the plastic chair she’d grown oh so familiar with and cried into Michelle’s shoulder.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.” She murmured inaudibly. “Sharon’s alive.”

Michelle nodded. “We should tell the others.”

Alaska wasted no time at all, eager to make the situation feel even more real. Desperate to prove it wasn’t a dream torturing her as she slept.

Alaska: you bitches better text me back right now, urgent

Courtney: yes ma’am

Willam: tf is going on?

Alaska: guess who just woke up

Willam: Michelle

Courtney: Willam, don’t be a dick and use your brain

Willam: …

Willam: OH

Willam: SHARON?!

Alaska: SHE JUST FUCKING WOKE UP

Courtney: I JUST BURST INTO TEARS

Willam: ME TOO WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

Willam: EMOTIONS ARE FOR UGLY PEOPLE

Courtney: WE’RE ALL UGLY TODAY

Alaska: i gtg, we’re going back in now

Alaska: anus

Willam: and that’s how we know Alaska is back

Courtney: love you girl x

The nurses left Michelle and Alaska alone when they walked in, offering small smiles in their direction as they passed. Alaska flew to the bedside, clasping Sharon’s hand instantly. The blonde queen refused to look her way, her eyes firmly trained on the wall away from Alaska.

“Sharon.” She managed, rubbing circles into her hand. Sharon closed her eyes and shook her head, her unshed tears glistening. On Alaska’s insistent tone, she faced her and sighed.

“M-” She began, and then frowned. With little regard for the wires and tubes around her, Sharon yanked the oxygen mask from her face and tossed it aside.

“Merry Chris’mas.” She slurred, her voice hoarse. “Nurse told me it’s December 25th.”

Alaska didn’t know what she’d expected. A smile, perhaps. A lighter tone to her voice. The slightest indicator that she was already on her way to a recovery. Instead, Sharon sounded tired and sick, and looked like death warmed up. Guilt was plastered across her face.

“Merry Christmas Sharon. I’m sorry we didn’t do more to help you before it got this ba-” Michelle started.

Sharon cut her off. “Don’t. ‘S my fault and my fault only. I’m a fucking adult.”

“I’m so glad you’re okay. I-I thought…” Alaska trailed off.

Sharon looked upwards, then down at herself, before seemingly forcing herself to look at Alaska. She swallowed nervously before speaking.

“I’m far from okay. I feel like I’ve died again. But… thank you.” She responded. “For not giving up on me.”

Alaska listened intently. “And I have to say, I know exactly why it was said so you don’t need to explain, but…” Sharon looked away. “It sure was nice hearing that my supposed boyfriend is here.”

“Fuck,” Alaska whispered.

“Don’t.” Michelle chastised. “Not now. Not here. This talk needs to happen later.”

Sharon sighed. “I know. I know. Am I not allowed that one happy thought? It’s been less than an hour and I’ve already been tormenting myself knowing I let you both down. K-Knowing that I hurt you.”

Michelle dabbed at her eyes as Alaska took Sharon’s face in both her hands, her fingers gently caressing her cheeks. She’d never get sick of looking at her; especially when that rosy blush spread from Sharon’s neck upwards at her touch. She still looked like shit, but she was so beautiful to Alaska. Sensing the tension, Michelle left on the pretence of fetching drinks, leaving the two queens alone in the hospital room together.

Alaska had had enough time to think of everything was going to say; a soliloquy had practically been written in her head in the agonising hours of waiting she’d endured ever since that fateful night. Yet, when the chance finally came to speak it, she was at a loss. Words tumbled forth anyway, just a stream of blatant honesty and consciousness.

“You… You promised me things would change.” Alaska said. “And when you were passed out, I promised you that no matter what happened to us, I’ll find a way. We’ll find a way. We wasted so much time, Sharon. Look at us.”

She brushed away one of Sharon’s tears with her thumb. “I’m sat here at your hospital bed, having almost lost you without ever trying for a second chance. I almost let you slip between my fingers when we both have so much more to give. The thought that I’d wasted three years of not letting myself love you and then almost losing you… I’m not prepared to deal with that again.”

She paused. “I know you must think I’m crazy. I am. You are too. You’re crazy because you almost fucking died and I’m crazy because it took that for me to realize that if we wait around any longer some other obstacle will try and come between us. We’re not getting any younger, Noodles.”

Sharon smiled at the old nickname.

“I… I’m not saying we should dive right in. I’m not saying I’ll call you my boyfriend or give this a label and be done with it. I’m not saying we have to move in and play happy families and text all the time, not at all. But I love you, and you love me, and I don’t want to waste any more time than we already have. I’m just…”

As she ran out of steam, the oasis of words finally drying up, Sharon squeezed Alaska’s hand with as much force as she could muster, which admittedly wasn’t a lot, and smiled again.

“A cheap transvestite?” She tried for a joke.

Alaska giggled through her tears. “Sharon.”

“A boy-boy who dresses like a girl-girl?”

“Sharon!” Alaska laughed. “I forgot how much I hated you…”

She drew out the last word, emphasising her nasally drawl to pull a reaction from Sharon. She succeeded, the blonde queen shaking feebly as she laughed. Alaska realised their fingers were still entwined.

“We’ve always been dramatic, haven’t we?” Sharon said, almost reminiscing. “Any other queen would have done this shit by now, but us? ‘S always been us. ‘S just our normal at this point.”

“That made zero sense to me.” Alaska said, laughing. “But I think I get what you mean.”

Sharon brushed her off. “Leave me alone, I’ve been out for however long it’s been.”

She took a deep breath, then winced and moved her hand to her chest. “Ow. I should probably put that mask back on, for the sake of my health or some shit.”

“Good idea.” Alaska agreed.

She wasn’t exactly prepared for the conversation to die, but it was nice to sit in a comfortable silence. Rather than hanging over her neck like a dead weight of fear, this silence floated around freely, calmly. It wasn’t punctuated with invasive thoughts about mortality, life, love. It was just the absence of conversation; nothing but Alaska’s quiet breaths and Sharon’s assisted ones as their eyes met. Unlike earlier, Sharon didn’t seem so ashamed to look in her eyes anymore. She stared openly, with no embarrassment, as if she were committing every detail of Alaska’s face to her memory.

Alaska couldn’t describe the thankfulness she felt that this was over. Well, not over. They still had hills to climb, barriers to break down – a few of them being social media, the press, and Sharon’s health. But the main stress of it had disappeared. Sharon was okay. Sharon was alive. Sharon was going to recover.

When her phone rang the first time, she ignored it. The moment they were sharing was too precious to be shattered by her ringtone, but on the second ring Sharon nodded to signal her to answer it.

“Hieee!”

“ALASKA!” The excited voice screamed, so loud that Alaska yanked the phone away from her ear and cringed. Sharon let out something between a cough and a laugh.

“Courtney, hey.” She greeted.

“DON’T FORGET ME!” Willam protested. “I’m here too!”

Alaska chuckled. “Great. I’ll put you on speaker, hold on. What’s up?”

“We wanted to check up on Sharon. And you, too. Willam came over like ten minutes after you texted us and we’ve been having celebratory ice cream. How is she?”

Sharon raised her middle finger.

“She flipped you off.” Alaska responded. “Uh, she’s alive. I’m alive.”

“What a brilliant answer.” Willam snarked. “Can we come visit?”

“I’ll have to ask Visage.” Alaska drawled. “You never know with her…”

“Oh, fuck it.” Courtney decided. “We’ll see you when we get there.”

-

Visitors flowed in and out of Sharon’s room as the time passed. Alaska, like before, stayed with her as often as she possibly could, sleeping near her and never leaving her side. As a result, she saw the way Sharon painted on a smile when guests came, and tried to limit her coughs and complaints when people asked how she was. She noticed the way Sharon was uncharacteristically compliant with the doctors and nurses, merely curling her lip when she was told to do something she didn’t want to. It was no secret that she hated hospitals, and hated feeling trapped, but she went along with everything. She even admitted to Alaska – who was sworn to secrecy never to tell anyone – that she wanted to make it up to everybody she’d hurt, which was why she refused to kick up a fuss. Of course, sometimes she did anyway, but they’d already been warned that irritability was one of the withdrawal symptoms. Mostly, Sharon did her best to be pleasant, but that wasn’t always the case.

“Have you been thinking about rehab?” Michelle asked.

Sharon sat upright and rolled her eyes. “No, I’ve been wondering when it’s safe for me to have another bump. Of course I’ve been thinking about rehab.”

Alaska and Michelle laughed weakly at her joke, still wincing slightly at the painful reminder of what she’d been through. Sharon’s coping method involved a lot of joking and self-depreciation, and Alaska and Michelle were just learning to accept it. They didn’t like remembering what had happened.

“Smart ass. Well, what are you thinking?” Michelle fired back.

She tilted her head. “I don’t know. I’m not going into a residential place, no fucking way. That would be a fucking nightmare.”

Alaska frowned. “I didn’t know there were other types of rehab.”

“You don’t have a drug problem.”

“I’ve done drugs before.” Alaska reasoned.

Sharon nodded. “Yeah, but I started at like, fourteen. Yes, there are other kinds of rehab.”

Michelle hummed. “So you’d prefer one where you just go to meetings and check-ups, not an inpatient one?”

“Yeah.” Sharon confirmed. “Can you imagine me in an inpatient one? Surrounded by pretty gardens and white bedsheets and staff in those ugly trousers? Girl. They’d never let me leave because I’d constantly be asking for cigarettes and makeup. They’d think I’m insane.”

Alaska laughed. “Uh, Doctor, the patient in room 23 keeps asking for Mac lipsticks and PBR… should we run some more tests?”

Michelle cackled out loud, and Sharon swatted at her. Alaska dodged and stuck her tongue out, then pressed a chaste kiss to Sharon’s cheek. Sharon softened and grabbed at her face when she tried to move away, kissing her and then shoving her back into her seat.

“You two sure know how to make my life a living hell. First all those drug stories, and now this? I swear, when the press find out I’ll delete both of your numbers so you can’t text me.” Michelle stated.

Sharon gasped. “Oh yeah, I forgot about the press! Ooh, a drug scandal and the fucking…drag royal…queen couple or whatever the fuck they call us. My booking fee is gonna be so damn high.”

“Like you’re going to be performing anytime soon.” Michelle berated her.

Sharon shot Alaska a look, and grinned. “Two months. I get out of here in a week, that’s the maximum time I’m waiting once I’m home.”

“Nu uh, buddy. Longer.” Michelle argued.

“Nope.”

“Yes.”

“Not waiting.”

“Yes you are.”

“Try me.”

“I will.”

Alaska shrunk down in her seat, watching the exchange.

“-how do we know we can trust you to take care of yourself in a bar or club situation when there will be lots of alcohol and people will offer you drugs because you’re a Ru Girl and they know your name?”

Sharon groaned. “Because I’m a fucking adult, Michelle. Hell, if you’re that fucking worried why don’t you fucking follow me everywhere, like I’m a child? Why don’t you fucking text my manager and make him accompany me to every fucking place that I go, before and after performing? Fucking put me on a leash and tie me to a fucking lamppost every time you have to go somewhere, I’m sure that’ll work. Just fucking follow me every single place I go, like I’m a goddamn toddler.”

“Sharon, you know I can’t do that-”

“I can.” Alaska butted in, sick of the arguing.

Both heads immediately turned to face her, Michelle’s face frozen as she tried to think of a response and Sharon’s eyebrows creased in thought. They looked at her for explanation.

“Well, I can go with Sharon to gigs and stuff. We perform together a lot so that’s not a problem. And I guess, just having someone around that she doesn’t want to kill will be helpful? Like at home?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Just a thought.”

“If it’ll placate you, I’m down.” Sharon directed to Michelle. “I’ll need to be doing something once I’m out of here, and there’s only so much housework I can do without wanting to blow my brains out.”

“I guess that could work. We’ll figure something out.”

It was only a few hours later, when Sharon had fallen asleep and Michelle had left, that Alaska realised what she’d even offered. Living with Sharon, even temporarily, after so long… that was going to be an experience she couldn’t prepare for.


	10. Chapter 10

Alaska could almost categorise the room full of people according to how they looked – the sallow skin and hooded lids of the alcoholics, the drawn faces and manic eyes of the drug abusers, the nervous glances and shuffling of the first-time rehab attendees, and the disappointed glances and blushing skin of the accompanying family members. It was a relief that Sharon didn’t appear to fit in with any of these people. They looked sick and sad and beyond help. She just looked tired and thin. A little bored, too. It had been almost two hours and her patience seemed to be running out.

“Two more minutes,” She leaned over and whispered in Sharon’s ear. “Then we can get the fuck out.”

Sharon hadn’t spoken to Alaska much since they’d been at Sharon’s home. It wasn’t like Alaska had any expectations on what it would be like to stay with her, but she didn’t expect the strange sensation of being stuck in a limbo. Sharon slept a lot. Alaska would do laundry and organise her drag just to pass some time. Sharon would grumble about the detoxification process. Alaska would crack a joke about Detox, and they’d laugh. Sharon would have peculiar dreams and wake up sweating, but refuse point-blank to talk about them. Alaska would watch TV, her eyes flitting from the screen to the closed bedroom door in case Sharon woke up.

She’d been told already that Sharon wouldn’t display any physical symptoms of withdrawal, but there would be fun little quirks like irritability, agitation, nightmares and possibly depression. A few times Alaska wondered why she’d agreed to do this, to stay with Sharon, but in the rare moments when she talked and cracked jokes with her, those thoughts left her mind. The older queens seemed to be doing her best to control her foul moods and hide her weak moments, even if she was unsuccessful. It was the thought that counted.

“Oh, thank fuck.” Sharon murmured back, her voice low. “I’m about to lose my fucking mind. The amount of self-control I’m using right now is terrifying.”

Alaska snorted appreciatively. “Oh yeah?”

“As in, this place is making me want to do drugs more than I did before I walked in the door.” She joked, her eyebrows knitting together.

Sharon had hated every single activity they’d had to do. First was group sharing; Alaska had an inkling that Sharon wouldn’t bother to censor herself for the sake of the rehab therapists or the patients, and she was entirely correct. When asked to introduce herself, she said, “I may not look like a Sharon but that’s how most people know me. I’m here because I fucked up and did more coke then I intended to.” Alaska had smacked her face into her palm, not missing the raised eyebrows that had been sent the blonde’s way. Sharon didn’t seem to care.

Next was one on one therapy. Whilst Sharon was doing her best not to be rude, to her credit, her old bluntness and unfiltered speech ran amok throughout, which appeared to make the therapist very uncomfortable.

“Is there a reason you decided to take drugs?”

“Yeah. They’re pretty fun.”

“Was it a suicide attempt?”

“No.”

“Was the overdose on purpose?”

“Nope.”

“Were you perhaps crying for help?”

“I just wanted to have a good time.”

“Are you incapable of having a good time without drugs?”

“Nope.”

“Do you have a drug history?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me about that.”

“I’ve used drugs before.”

“For how long?”

“Since I was a teenager. I worked in bars.”

“Was your life difficult?”

“A little.”

“Were drugs a coping method?”

“No, they were just for fun.”

Alaska had to fight back giggles during their exchange, which probably didn’t help. The second they left the room, Sharon burst into laughter and had to clutch the wall, gasping for breath as Alaska cackled along with her. They both started to complain through their laughter about how it seemed like a virtually useless method of healing, even though they knew it helped some. Sharon clearly had enjoyed antagonising the therapist.

The final one was team-building and group work, having to coordinate with the other patients to solve puzzles and problems that they were given. Sharon had spent the whole time sending withering looks in Alaska’s direction every time someone annoyed her, communicating through a series of forced smiles, cocked eyebrows and long sighs. To their relief, the rehab session was coming to a close, and they were arranged in a circle – like fucking preschoolers, Sharon had said – whilst their group efforts were being evaluated.

“You’re dismissed, we will see you all again at the next meeting.”

Sharon practically sprang from her seat, the most active Alaska had seen her in days, and shot out of the door at a speed significantly greater than that of the rest of the attendees. Some slunk away to their rooms in the facility, others filed through the exit on their way home, and Sharon was out of the door like a bullet fired from a gun.

“Fucking hell.” She swore, releasing a deep breath out through her lips as if she were smoking a cigarette. “Alaska, how much do you care about my wellbeing?”

Alaska frowned. “Way too fucking much, why?”

She pulled a face. “Please don’t make me go to this shit again on Thursday. Michelle doesn’t have to know.”  
Alaska started to laugh. “I was gonna lecture you about taking care of yourself, but I completely understand your thinking.”

“See!” Sharon cackled, pointing. “Of course I wanna recover! Just not by visiting that Westborough Baptist Addicts bullshit twice a week. We can do better than that at home.”

Alaska’s breath hitched at that – hearing the words we and home in the same sentence. It felt familiar. It felt right. She stopped herself before she could reminisce about the days where they did live in a home together. Even if she had promised that someday, somehow, she would make things work between them, they did need some time. Sharon wasn’t as stable as she seemed. It wasn’t like she was going to go out and find as much blow as she could, or drink herself into a state, but the fact remained that she was weakened from the ordeal and needed time to strengthen again. The last thing she needed was the extra stress of love in the mix; even if she was aware of it and had admitted to feeling the same way herself. They just needed time.

“You okay?” Sharon asked, her face creased in concern as they walked. Alaska snapped out of her funk and nodded.

“Sorry, yeah. It should be me asking you that.”

Sharon snorted. “Please. You just look deep in thought, that’s all. I know you and I know you don’t think because your brain was rotted away by makeup and hairspray inhalation through years of being a drag queen. Something up?”

Alaska smiled at that. “Not particularly. It’s just weird, you know? This whole fucked-up situation. But I have to admit you do seem kinda better, after that shit. Maybe you should carry on going to that place after all.”

Sharon shook her head violently, a grin on her face. “No way! Never. I guess I am talking more, you’re right about that. If I’m honest, it’s probably because I wanted to die so much whilst I was in there that my only distraction was to talk to you. I forgot how much fun properly talking to you is. I need to do it more often.”

Her heart fluttered. “I know you do. I might only respond with one word texts but you never answer your goddamn phone!”

Sharon lightly slapped her arm. “Incompatible. You’re a phone talker and I’m a text person. This is why we broke up.”

Any other time, Alaska might have looked away, but the words reminded her of something Sharon had said earlier, and she cracked up upon hearing them.

“When they asked about who had accompanied you, and you said ‘My ex boyfriend!’…Girl. Did you see their faces?”

Sharon grinned a second time. “Wasn’t it hilarious? I’ve never seen anyone look so awkward!”

“Anyway,” Alaska continued, resting her face on her fist as she pretended to think. “Should I let you off from Thursday’s session… should I talk to Michelle… hmm…”

“I’ll cook tonight if you don’t make me go. Fuck, I feel like a kid asking for permission to do something. Considering I never asked for permission as a kid, this is a weird feeling.” Sharon begged, laughing at the end of her ramble.

“For the next two weeks.”

“Five days?”

“One week. Final offer.”

“Deal. I’ll pay for takeout too.”

Alaska nodded. “Damn right you will. Hey, we’re here.”

Sharon pushed the key into the door, fumbling a little from the cold. As she began to busy herself with tidying round, muttering apologies for letting Alaska do it when she volunteered, Alaska took the time to read through the messages she’d been sent, flopping down on the couch.

Willam: we didn’t send this to sharon just in case, have you guys been online? There’s some shit

Alaska: of course there is. I haven’t looked yet, dreading it

Courtney: some of it’s nice

Willam: mixed responses really

Willam: some hate, some love, lots of “IS SHARON DEAD” and “ARE SHALASKA TOGETHER AGAIN”

Alaska: fucking shalaska

Alaska: the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard

Courtney: the couple or the name

Alaska: duh, the couple

Alaska: kidding. The name

Willam: i think we’re too old to get why the kids do this kinda shit. I think court and i take the cake with witney tho.

Courtney: AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE- Bianca del rio.

Willam: don’t even start. I heard they call you two bitney.

Alaska: how original

“There’s some shit online?” Sharon said suddenly. Alaska started, her heart pounding as Sharon somehow managed to creep behind her without her notice. Placing a hand on her heaving chest, she shoved Sharon as she dropped down onto the couch next to Alaska.

“Hmm…” Sharon hummed, as Alaska let her scroll through Courtney and Willam’s texts. “Hate, love, asking if I’m dead and asking if we’re together. Ooh, I wanna go on twitter. My phone’s in my pocket, let’s use yours.”

Alaska giggled uncertainly, half-amused, half-worried. “I don’t trust you with twitter. Were you planning on tweeting?”

“Maybe.” The mischievous glint in Sharon’s eyes gave her away. “Just something dumb like ‘to all the responses: fuck you, thank you, no, maybe.’”

“For fuck’s sake.” Alaska chuckled. “No, I’m not letting you on mine. You’re a terrible person and I do not trust you in the slightest.”

Before Alaska could say anything more, Sharon had opened up twitter on her phone and was scrolling through it. Her eyebrows shot upwards and she let out something like a shocked cough mixed with a laugh.

“Wo-o-ow…” She murmured. “This is… something.”

Alaska cringed. “How bad is it?”

“If the Hiroshima bomb and 9/11 hit twitter at the same time, it looks a little like that.” She admitted.

“Sharon!” Alaska chastised her. “You can’t say that!”

Sharon coughed. “Just did. Seriously, take a look.”

She began to read a few of them, switching between tweets sent to Michelle, Alaska, Sharon herself and even the official Drag Race account.

“Sharon Needles finally took it too far, such a shame… aw, that’s a nice one. She deserved what she got… lovely. Alaska please tell us sharon is doing ok. I’m convinced sharon is dead, no one is talking about her. You can so tell lasky still loves sharon in her tweets. Agreed! I don’t know why they don’t get back together. Unless sharon’s dead.”

Sharon coughed again. “Amongst others. Most of them are along those lines.”

Alaska quivered; whether it was with rage or nervousness or relief she didn’t know. She was thankful that a large number of them were concerned, sending well wishes and hoping that Sharon was okay and would quickly recover. But too many of them were hateful – even one was too many. She didn’t know if it was better or worse, but the amount of tweets speculating about the two of them made her feel some type of way too. Of course she still loved Sharon. Sharon still loved her. It just wasn’t that easy.

“Oh shit, I just forgot that we haven’t told them if you’re alive or not. No wonder they all think you’re dead.” Alaska commented, feeling wan and exhausted. The last thing she wanted was to deal with social media bullshit.

“I’ll tell them.” Sharon said, resting her head on Alaska’s shoulder as she saw the look of turmoil on her face.

Sharon Needles - @SHARON_NEEDLES - Jan. 6th

If you’re already dead you can’t die again .. dead girls never do blow ..

Sharon Needles - @SHARON_NEEDLES – Jan. 6th

Please don’t harass my friends and family about me . They don’t need any more hassle on my behalf than they’ve already had ..

Sharon Needles - @SHARON_NEEDLES – Jan. 6th

And no I’m not alone . There is someone here with me and I am safe . Thanks for the love .. cunt wait to be on stage again

Sharon paused suddenly. “Thank you. I’ve been meaning to say that.”

“Huh?” Alaska asked.

“I know I haven’t been the best person to be sharing a house with – I never really was – but especially these days. I’ve been living in my own head, just letting you get on with doing the shit that I should be doing, and it’s kinda unfair. You should be out there doing gigs, you have hundreds of thousands of fans who want to see you doing what you do best, and rightly so… but you’re here. With me. Stuck in this house, watching TV and cleaning up all my shit whilst I lounge about feeling like shit.”

Alaska swallowed, her cheeks heating up. “Think nothing of it. It feels like old days.”

Sharon shook her head. “I was a terrible boyfriend.”

“You were great.” Alaska corrected her. “The only cleaning I had to do was picking up beer cans. You did the rest.”

Sharon smiled weakly. “I guess you’re right. But you should be out there screaming about anus and pussy and nails and instead you’re with me. I’m sorry I dragged you into this mess.”

“You didn’t drag me into it.” Alaska said. “I dived headfirst when I saw you like that. It was scary, Noodles. You were shivering, boiling hot, and completely erratic. I never want to see you like that again.”

Sharon looked down, ashamed, as Alaska’s eyes stung with tears. She had done her best not to think of what Sharon had been like before she passed out, only focusing on the fact that she was alive. Moments later, she felt Sharon’s hand grab at her own, and she clung on tight as she spoke.

“You said some horrible things, too… so horrible. It wasn’t you. You were like a different person.”

Sharon’s eyes glistened. “W-What was I saying…?” She asked uncertainly. “I’m almost afraid that I don’t want to know… I have no recollection whatsoever.”

Alaska tried to laugh, but the sound that came out was mirthless. “I wouldn’t expect you to remember. It was awful, it really was.”

She coughed. “You said that… you said that I didn’t give two fucks about you. That people who care about you should try and help you instead of making jokes about you. That people who say they love you don’t really care what you do to yourself until it hurts us.”

Sharon’s grip on Alaska’s hand went slack, just for a second. The tears she had been fighting so hard to keep back broke forth, flooding silently down her cheeks. A pregnant pause went by, neither of the queens sure of what to say, before Sharon took hold of Alaska’s hand once again and buried her face into the younger queen’s shoulder.

“Why do you…” She started, tongue-tied. “How did…”

Alaska rested her head on top of Sharon’s, her own cheeks growing damp from tears. With her thumb, she gently rubbed circles into Sharon’s hand, not forcing the blonde to speak nor interrupting her.

“Why are you here? I was so awful to you. You should be slandering my name out there, condemning me for taking drugs and saying horrible things to you. Why are you here?”

Her voice cracked, wobbling and pitching as she tried to speak through her tears. Not even needing to think about it, Alaska wrapped her arms around Sharon and pulled her close, holding onto her as though it were the very last time she would. Something told her, however, that it definitely wouldn’t be.

“Because I’m stupid and I love you. I told you so in the hospital.” Alaska murmured.

“It’s been all I’ve thought about.” Sharon admitted. “You said that we could make it work, we could try. I wish it was that easy.”

Alaska nodded. “Aren’t we just the dumbest pair ever? You admitted to me that you love me, I got mad about it, then realized I love you and now we’re just… Here. Doing nothing about it.”

“I think a few… less than helpful obstacles got in the way of us. Mainly the fact that I’m a fucking mess.” Sharon pulled herself upright and laughed. Alaska noticed with a pang in her chest that their hands were still entwined.

“At this point I don’t even know what we’re doing. Feels like we’re gonna be stuck like this forever. So fucking close and yet nothing. I love you and you love me and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.”

“Fuck it.” Sharon whispered.

In an instant, Sharon closed the gap between them and a pair of warm, soft lips were pressing against Alaska’s. She relaxed against them, kissing back without bothering to even think about what was happening. Her hands threaded through Sharon’s blonde hair as she pulled her even closer, reclining backwards on the couch with the older queen on top of her.

Finally, she thought numbly. The familiar scent of Sharon; the clichéd cigarettes and beer and boyish musk that hung around her, it all felt like home. It felt like travelling back in time to a boxy apartment in downtown Pittsburgh and kissing because it was the only thing they knew how to do. It felt like coming home and going on vacation and merging their very souls with the stars that were shining up above, unseen in the evening sky. It felt like fire and ice and passion and power. Most importantly, it felt safe. Like home. Like love. Like the first signs of a frosty winter thawing for a warmer, softer spring.

They broke apart for air, their chests heaving as they just stared at one another, pupils blown with lust, lips swollen and red. Alaska watched Sharon, the way that her tongue darted out and wetted her lips, the way that her blonde hair was dishevelled from Alaska’s touch, the way that her skin had flushed red. They had spent time apart, years of wondering and thinking and regretting, but Sharon still kissed like she had the very first time. Sharon still kissed like that drag queen who did weird drag in a shitty downtown bar and had Alaska enthralled. Sharon still kissed like a queen who was entirely jealous of Alaska’s fame and completely enamoured with her look.

Alaska was the one to connect their lips this time, lifting her shoulders up from the couch to reach Sharon before feeling herself getting pushed down again, the weight of Sharon on top of her pinning her down. It was less gentle this time; instead of communicating all of the forgotten words, the tentative whispers that they couldn’t find the words to articulate, it made up for lost time. It was needy and insistent – Sharon’s teeth dragged against her bottom lip as she kissed with bruising force. It compensated for so many years apart, four years of not being able to touch her and kiss her the way she wanted to. Years of pent-up emotions and feelings and love and hate poured out through that kiss, a thousand unsaid I love yous and I miss yous finally breaking free.

“Fuck the articles online,” Sharon breathed. “Fuck the people saying we were better apart.”

“Maybe we were,” Alaska panted back. “But why should we care?”

“They don’t have to know yet,” The older queen decided. “No one does. Michelle, Willam, Courtney, Jinkx, the fans.”

“Agreed,” Alaska said breathlessly. “Keeping it a secret is our fucking prerogative. I’ve waited too long for this.”

“You’re telling me?”

Things had changed. They were older; wiser. Both had bigger lips than they had before, two albums, different lives. Alaska didn’t see the point in waiting. They were only getting older.

“We can take this slow.” Sharon said finally, shifting her position so she was next to Alaska rather than on top of her. Almost instinctively, Alaska leant against her, smiling when Sharon’s arm snaked around her. “We don’t have to jump into this and call it a relationship and tell the whole world. But I love you and I want to kiss you and I don’t want to hold back.”

Alaska’s heart skipped a beat, and then another. She wanted to cry and scream and hug Sharon and kiss her all over again. Her mind was entirely addled and she didn’t mind in the slightest.

“I like that. I like that a lot.”

Sharon grinned. “So articulate. So eloquently worded.”

“I will end this.” Alaska threatened, giggling. “Don’t try me, Noodles.”

Sharon laughed and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “You would never. I know you love me. Even with all these needles in my face.”

She prodded at her face, pretending to model as though she were posing for a photograph. Alaska snorted.

“Of course, Miss Lepore.”

“A woman after my own heart.” Sharon joked, her hand hovering over her chest.

“You know it.” Alaska whispered, and leaned forward a third time to kiss her.


	11. Chapter 11

Morning came all too quickly. Alaska awoke in someone else’s bed, in someone else’s clothes, and wrapped in someone else’s strong arms. For a few groggy moments, she was presented with something of a conundrum, until it all clicked into place like the pieces of a puzzle. It was Sharon’s bed, Sharon’s clothes, Sharon’s strong arms wrapped around her torso holding her tight. She relaxed into her familiar grip, closing her eyes blissfully as she remembered the events of the previous night.

Sharon hadn’t been up for sex, what with the strange line of okay and not okay that she seemed to be straddling, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t up for kissing. After their short talk and Sharon’s impulsiveness, they’d alternated between kissing, holding on another, and marvelling at how things had managed to fall into place. All it had taken was a chaotic Halloween party, drugs, an argument, another argument, a precarious friendship, almost-but-not-quite kissing, a drug overdose, a heart-wrenching stay in hospital and a mind-numbingly boring rehab session to bring them together. Alaska hoped to god they would never end up splitting again, because they’d gone through more than enough hell to get to where they were.

It had been made explicitly clear that they weren’t currently labelled as a couple, they were just testing the waters – but Alaska secretly hoped that they would eventually label it. Privacy was a blessed thing that Alaska was already basking in, but she couldn’t deny that having a public relationship was slightly thrilling. It was stressful to be scrutinized and idolized in such a way, but with the few years of experience they’d had after the break up with how fame and popularity worked, Alaska knew it would be easier.

But she was taking things slow. Again, the last thing she wanted to do was place unnecessary stress onto Sharon. She seemed to be taking everything in her stride as much as she could, and Alaska wasn’t about to test her limits anytime soon.

She was broken out of her thoughts by her phone, lying face down on the bedside table, ringing loudly. At the sudden lapse in their silence, Sharon woke, breathing in sharply before nestling closer to Alaska.

“Morning,” She mumbled, her face buried in Alaska’s neck. “That was a nice way to wake up. Who is it?”

Alaska squinted at the screen, the bright light making her wince. “It’s Michelle. I should probably answer it.”

“Go ahead.” Sharon prompted her.

Sliding her fingers across the screen, she put Michelle on speaker and held the phone a few inches from her face.

“Hey, Alaska, just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. Sorry if I woke you.” Michelle apologised.

“No worries,” Alaska drawled. “We’re doing g-great…”

Her breathed hitched as she felt a familiar pair of lips graze the sensitive skin of her neck.

“Good to know. You went to that session, right? How did that go?” She pressed.

“Fine, it was fine. Sharon was – ah! – she was having a blast making everyone u-uncomfortable.” Alaska stuttered. The older queen had already moved on from her gentle teasing and was working hard at her neck, determined to leave bruises there. Her hands ran the length of Alaska’s torso from underneath the stolen t-shirt she was wearing – an age-old Alaska Thunderfuck shirt.

Michelle laughed. “Of course she did. Are you sure you’re okay, Lasky? You sound a bit strange.”

Alaska felt Sharon’s warm breath on her neck as she laughed, but the answer she prepared for Michelle was swallowed by a gasp as Sharon’s hands travelled lower, delving into her pyjama pants.

“Y-yes, I’m fine.” She hissed, bucking involuntarily against Sharon’s touch. “I’m just – ah! – tiptoeing around the ap-apartment trying to be q-quiet, because Sharon’s asleep.”

“Right, right.” Michelle said. “How are things between you? I know you were a little worried about being with her, what with how much you’ve been… awkward, I suppose, around each other for the past few months.”

Alaska didn’t even need to look at Sharon’s face to know the blonde was grinning, her devilish hands still roaming unashamedly in Alaska’s pyjama pants as she stroked her.

“W-We’re doing great, honestly. Things are – fuck! – better than I expected, w-way better.”

Sharon chuckled lowly. “Mmm. Better. Much better.”

Alaska curled her toes, biting down hard on her lip to try and quash any noises that threatened to escape from her. This. She wasn’t used to this. This was what she had once been used to. Fuck, she’d missed it. The raunchy, inconvenient sexual encounters. Sharon was a sexual deviant, and she was thankful that hadn’t changed.

“Is that Sharon? Has she just woken up? Can I speak to her?” Michelle said immediately, hearing Sharon’s distinctive voice. Wordlessly, Alaska handed over the phone, and Sharon reluctantly removed her hands so she could hold it.

“Hey, Michelle.”

Sharon winced as Michelle’s voice blared through the phone, the woman not knowing that she was on speaker and the volume of her voice raised in her excitement.

“I’m glad you’re awake, how are you feeling? I’ve been meaning to call but you’ve had your phone off, right?” She prodded.

Sharon shot Alaska a knowing look, grinning at Michelle’s concern. “I’m fine, a little shitty but that’s to be expected. Alaska made me turn my phone off so I couldn’t see all the shit online, I just turned it back on yesterday evening.”

At that, Michelle spoke loudly again. Sharon pulled a face and lowered the volume on Alaska’s phone, shaking her head.

“Yes, I saw that you did! Sharon, I don’t think you should have tweeted about that the way you did. I’ve had your manager blowing up my phone trying to reach you, and-”

Sharon sighed deeply. “Michelle. I don’t give a fuck. They deserve to know what happened. Whether or not this is the definitive end of my dying career, the people who supported me deserve to know that I’m no idol, I’m a mess. I’m not a beacon of hope, I’m a shining example of what not to do. Besides, they’d already figured it out. Some thought I was dead, but pretty much everyone guessed what happened. I ruined the tour, I ruined Christmas for all the girls, I ruined my own life. The least I can do is be honest about it.”

Alaska shuffled closer to Sharon, resting her head in the crook of the older queen’s neck. It was still pretty scary, what had happened. Even if the two of them had finally gotten past their dumb game of hiding their feelings, it didn’t make all their problems go away. Love tended to create more problems than it solved – as the two of them knew very well. Loving Sharon wouldn’t magically take away the fact that Sharon had suffered an overdose, that she would have mood swings and bad tempers, that she would feel ill and off from time to time. Love wasn’t a medicine or a band-aid. Just because Alaska’s heart openly felt for Sharon didn’t mean that she could fix her pain.

“Okay, fine. I didn’t think I’d be able to change your mind. I just want you to think more, okay? Even if you’re fine you don’t seem all that fine, and I worry about the decisions you make when you’re not fine.” Michelle told her earnestly.

Sharon opened her mouth to protest, then settled. “That’s fair, I get that. I just… I need to get out, Michelle. I know you want me on virtual house-arrest but I’ve never been a homebody and I’m not even close to becoming one. I need out.”

She paused to cough. “I want to perform.”

Instantly, Alaska knew those four words wouldn’t go down very well, and rightly so. Sharon wasn’t fit to perform, not at all. She ate the bare minimum that was required to keep her alive and Alaska would find her more often than not smoking out of the window at night, unable to sleep and too afraid in case she had nightmares. Nightmares were something she’d started suffering from, another effect of getting clean and overdosing. It had only been one night since Sharon had decided to fuck the rules and kiss Alaska, but that was the only reason she had slept a full night and hadn’t smoked. She couldn’t perform yet.

“No.”

Sharon coughed again – which really didn’t seem to be helping her case. “Michelle.”

“Sharon.”

The blonde rolled her eyes. “Okay. Michelle, I told you that I want to perform because I want you to say I can. Regardless of what you say, I’m still gonna go out and find somewhere to do a song or two. I just wanted you to know what’s going on and possibly approve of it.”

“Sharon-” Michelle tried again.

“You’re not gonna stop me, Michelle. Unless you’re planning to fly to Pittsburgh and physically restrain me, I’m going out and I’m doing something.”

She was clearly resolute. Alaska listened to the conversation, trying to decide who she agreed with.

“What about Alaska?” Michelle pulled out Alaska’s name in sheer desperation, grabbing at straws.

Sharon shrugged. “What about her? If she opposes, that’s her problem and she’s free to do that. It’ll just be a case of me being alone in a club, surrounded by all of that temptation. If she agrees, I’ve got a babysitter to make sure I don’t accidentally fall face-first into a pile of coke. That’s the only relevance Alaska has to this.”

Alaska winced, knowing yet again that Michelle wouldn’t like that one bit. Sharon loved Michelle to pieces, but what with her foul moods and inner turmoil, she knew the older queen was having a hard time dealing with her lack of freedom that she so openly desired.

“You didn’t.” Michelle’s voice turned dangerous. Alaska froze.

“I didn’t what?” Sharon asked her.

Michelle breathed heavily. “You and Alaska. She’s with you right now, isn’t she? And she’s gonna let you go out and potentially harm yourself, because she loves you and that’s what you want to do. Something has happened between you, hasn’t it?”

Sharon fell silent. She let the phone drop from her fingers, sliding onto the pillow and landing on the mattress between the two of them. Michelle’s words hung heavily in the air.

“I’m going to speak to your management, if you’re going to be stubborn about performing then the least I can do is make sure I have someone reliable to inform me about what’s going on.”

“Shit.” Alaska murmured. “She’s mad.”

Sharon closed her eyes. “What is there to be mad about? I wanna go out, and I’m in love with you. These are all things she’s known for a long time.”

“You didn’t exactly handle that very well, though…” Alaska cringed, thinking about how awkward the next time she saw Michelle would be. “Now she doesn’t trust me with you.”

“It’s not our fault she’s perceptive. I didn’t say anything to piss her off. I need-”

“-a cigarette.” Alaska finished glumly. “Of course you do. Look, you probably shouldn’t be smoking. I shouldn’t be letting you smoke.”

Sharon huffed, swinging her legs out of bed and reaching for the silver pack of cigarettes on her bedside table. “You’re not letting me smoke. I’m choosing to smoke on my own accord.”

Alaska followed Sharon to the little balcony she had, blinking at her with bleary eyes as she fumbled to light the cigarette and brought it to her lips.

“It’s not good for you, Sharon. Your body isn’t in the healthiest of conditions as it is. Michelle will kill me if she finds out I’m letting you smoke, too. She’ll blame it on… whatever this is.”

Sharon exhaled a mouthful of cloyingly sweet smoke. “If you take away cigarettes, I’ve got nothing. Then what?”

Alaska looked away. “You have me.”

She cursed the way the words came out tinged with bitterness. This wasn’t her time to be feeling bitter. She was perfectly fine. Sharon was not. She was being selfish.

“What am I supposed to do with you?” Sharon asked her, almost hopelessly. “I don’t mean that to be rude. Cigarettes are a vice, something I can just use whenever. You’re a person with a big heart who’s pretending that she isn’t hurting so that she can keep an eye on the asshole who messed up her own life and your life. I can’t use you like I’d use a cigarette. You have feelings and you deserve to feel them.”

Alaska went quiet, musing over her words. “I’d let you.”

“That’s just it.” Sharon flicked the end of the cigarette, letting the ash fall from it. “I can’t let you do that. If we’re – well, I don’t know exactly what we’re doing – but if we’re accepting that I love you and you love me, then I can’t let you suppress however you’re feeling so that you can support me. We did that last time, remember? And look how well that turned out.”

That stung, the painful reminder of what they had once been. Sharon was right, though. Last time Alaska neglected her own needs, Sharon forgot she had them. Then Alaska forgot too, and then things became too much for their tiny little love.

“Okay, mini therapy session starts now. I’m scared this is gonna go sour again. I love you too much to leave you or to even consider the thought of you doing something that could endanger you. I don’t know how to balance keeping you happy, keeping you safe, and appeasing Michelle. I miss performing but I don’t want to go out and make you feel bad.” Alaska vented it all out, her chest tightening as she prepared to regret saying it.

Sharon took a long drag of her cigarette, exhaled the smoke, and threw it over the edge of the balcony so she could rest her arms on the bar.

“My turn? Sometimes it’s hard to breathe and I don’t know if it’s because of drugs or the fact that you’re always around. I’m worried that I’m gonna hurt you by being too much to deal with. I don’t want to be coddled like Michelle wants. I’m feeling kinda suffocated because I miss becoming Sharon and performing, it’s what I do. I feel like no one trusts me anymore. I… I feel like they have a good reason not to trust me.”

Alaska chewed her lip. “I trust you.” She admitted. “Because you’re trying. I can see you doing your best not to complain and just getting on, so I trust you. If that means anything at all.”

She instantly looked away. God, how embarrassing. Her words sounded parroted from a fifteen-year-old emo, a shitty black and white poem, and compared to Sharon’s eloquence it was just shameful, even if it was from the heart. Her skin flushed red, until she felt Sharon’s hands on her chin, pulling her face in her direction. The blonde queen smiled tiredly.

“It means everything.” She reassured her, and leaned in to kiss her.

Sharon’s mouth was hot, and tasted distinctly of smoke and ash. It wasn’t a nice taste – Alaska couldn’t understand why anyone would like it, really – but something about it was addictive, like there was nicotine on her tongue and Alaska needed a fix. She moved closer, tilting Sharon’s head upwards, hungry for her.

Michelle: I spoke with both of your managers and got them to arrange something for tonight. Promise me Sharon will take it easy.

Michelle: I’m sorry for getting mad, but I just don’t want the two of you to get in the way of what needs to be a stress-free recovery xxx

Alaska reluctantly pulled away from Sharon to open the messages on her phone, smiling as she read them. Michelle always had a soft spot for Sharon and Alaska, despite the amount of times she mentioned wanting to kill, throttle or poison them in some way.

“Oh, thank god.” Sharon breathed out. “I think I’d go crazy if I was stuck in here with you for any longer.”

She grinned mischievously, and Alaska flicked her arm. “Hey! Okay, I guess I deserved that one.”

“Uh, yes, you did.” Alaska joked, flicking her again. “You’re not going crazy tonight, though. I gotta keep an eye out, or Michelle will have me assassinated.”

Sharon laughed. “Of course. What do you mean by crazy? Define crazy.”

Alaska hummed. “I don’t know. Don’t get stupidly drunk, don’t do any drugs – duh – and I guess, don’t get performing a ton of songs. I’d say two or three maximum.”

Sharon pulled a face. “Two or thr- okay.”

Alaska shot her a look, which silenced her protests. “Sharon, I know you don’t pay attention to what you’re told by the professionals, but I do.” Sharon cracked a smile. “Out of all of the array of withdrawal symptoms there are, one of your biggest is fatigue. In other words, you’re tired all the fucking time. You really wanna stand on a stage for a long time in a corset and heels?”

At her challenge, Sharon gave in. “Fine, stop being right. You know I like to be right. Just a couple of songs, that’s all.”

“Good, she’s learning.” Alaska teased, lightly elbowing her.

Sharon pressed their lips together again, the taste of ash faded slightly from her mouth. Her arms looped around Alaska’s neck, pulling the younger queen closer as they enjoyed the sweet moment. A feeling of foreboding seemed to hang over them. Both knew the peace wouldn’t last, anyhow. Whether they chose to go public or whether someone caught a picture of them, the secret wouldn’t stay secret for long. But for now, they had their blissful bubble; away from the outside world, prying eyes, Rupaul’s Drag Race and any obligations they had. They didn’t have to share themselves, as Sharon Needles and Alaska Thunderfuck had to do. They could just enjoy the privacy.

“You wanna spend all day watching Golden Girls and doing nothing?”

“Oh, fuck yes I do.”

-

From the instant they had arrived at the club – a series of last minute plans and advertisements that had dragged them from Sharon’s apartment right into the dressing room – Sharon had been absolutely buzzing, and Alaska could tell. Even if she felt like shit, she wasn’t letting it show. Inside the dressing room, she had been taking extra care with her paint, smoking underneath the no smoking signs and talking away like she usually did. It was nice, and normal, and familiar. Getting ready with Sharon always was something of a home comfort. She was painfully reminded of the early days with the Haus of Haunt, painting into the grimy mirror backstage. Back before things went sour, and their dressing rooms were filled with more illegal powders than facial ones.

Alaska had kept a careful eye on Sharon as she performed. If she felt ill or tired in any way, it was impossible to tell. Not once did she stumble in her tall black heels, and not once did her limited yet perfected choreography falter. She stood tall and strong, her jokes landing as they always did, drawing laughs and her ever-so-beloved boos every time she made a comment.

“Now, bringing back to the stage, your current reigning Alaska Thunderfuck 5000! Show her all your love, boys and ghouls and those in between!”

Alaska plastered on her widest grin as she danced her way onto the stage, joining Sharon for the final number. They’d decided it between them, and although they were both nervous about it, all it took was the familiar bell tolling to thrust Alaska directly into the moment. Fans always went wild when the two of them performed Kai Kai, and at the very least, it might take some off the public attention away from Sharon’s struggle and onto the show.

It was still amazing how wildly different Sharon was onstage than she was offstage. She was acting coy, flirty – to go with the song, of course – yet at the same time meticulously careful, every one of her supposedly spontaneous actions like the grinding of her hips and the winks beneath her lashes being carefully calculated and played out. Sharon was a natural-born performer, and the way the two of them interacted on stage was incredible. Their chemistry was palpable, even after so long. Alaska wondered, briefly, if Sharon was blowing all caution to the wind, but it didn’t seem like it. Even in their rough friendship, they had pandered to jokes about them just to draw laughs and cheers. This time was no different, to the fans. The rush in Alaska’s chest made it entirely different for her, though.

“Give it up for Alaska Thunderfuck and Sharon Needles!” The club announcer boomed, as the song ended. Sharon instantly pulled Alaska into a hug, breathing heavily from elation and exhaustion.

“Thank you for doing this with me,” She whispered into her ear. Alaska squeezed her tightly before letting go and facing the crowd, both of them smiling into the applause.

“Thank you guys so much for coming to see us!” Sharon spoke into the microphone. “It’s always a pleasure working with you, Alaska.”

Although she tried, Alaska couldn’t stop her face from breaking out into an even larger smile. She clapped slightly as Sharon continued.

“And remember everyone, just because someone isn’t your boyfriend or your girlfriend doesn’t mean they can’t be your best friend!”

Alaska did her best not to let her face fall, forcing the smile to stay in place as she yelled her agreement and talked into the microphone when Sharon left the stage. She was just saying that to dispel rumours, right? One thing Alaska didn’t miss was that Sharon was so goddamn confusing, but perhaps that was just her head messing with her. A little voice in the back of her head didn’t want her to just accept that she could be happy, and tried to bring her down.

“I love your pussy, byeeee!” She finished, and headed behind the curtain to where Sharon had left.

Backstage was a mess, frankly, but Sharon was already gathering her things, not even bothering to de-drag. Her back was turned when Alaska walked in, and luckily there was no one else in the room.

“Hey,” She said, switching off the microphone just in case. “How are you feeling now?”

Sharon turned and smiled at her. “A little light-headed; I can’t tell if it’s from performing or not. But I feel good. Thank you again for doing this.”

Alaska nodded. “Anytime, Noodles. You know that.”

She paused. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.” Sharon responded, bending over to grab a fallen makeup brush from the floor.

“Why did… why did you pull out that ‘best friend’ line? I know we’re not – we’re not telling people, but I just thought-”

Sharon cut her off, stiffening as she straightened up and refusing to look in Alaska’s direction. “You don’t deserve the bad press.”

Alaska blanched. “Huh?”

“You know what I said.” Sharon mumbled, accidentally making eye-contact with Alaska through the mirror in front of her, and quickly looking away. “You don’t deserve any of the bad publicity that comes along with my name. You just won All Stars 2. You’re like the epitome of drag. I don’t wanna take that away from you.”

The hurt in her voice was evident. Slowly, as if approaching an alley cat, Alaska moved closer, until she was stood beside the older queen. Sharon still wouldn’t look at her.

“You wouldn’t take anything from me. You’re as much as a star as I am, you should know that. We both won, remember?”

Sharon bit her lip. “I know. But you won in a world where fame is your thing, you know how to handle it. I won in a world where we paid rent with pennies and suddenly a bunch of dollars and public scrutiny were thrown onto me. Now you’re one of the most known names in drag and I’m a washed-up alcoholic who just had an overdose and still doesn’t understand how to stay relevant.”

Alaska grabbed Sharon by the shoulders, forcing her to look directly into her eyes, and then hugged her again. Unlike the one on stage, this one was closer. Their bodies were pressed flush against one another, Alaska’s arms firmly wrapped around Sharon and her heart speeding up at the tender contact. Without releasing Sharon from her embrace, she spoke into the older queen’s hair.

“So you’ve always been a drinker and so you made a mistake, so fucking what? You’re Sharon Needles. You’re like marmite, you love her or you hate her.”

Sharon laughed at her analogy, her grip on Alaska never wavering.

“But I love you, and I see all the amazing things you do. A number two and number four album. Various theatre shows. Managing to still say such kind things about people in times when it was the last thing you wanted to do. Getting this far in a world of fame with no experience. Not many people could do that.” She said fervently. “So don’t tell me you’re a washed-up alcoholic with a drug problem when you’re currently carrying the weight of Michelle Visage’s parenting, my insistence and your own desire to change on your back. Don’t tell me that.”

A few crucial seconds of silence passed, in which nothing happened except Alaska’s head shifting from on top of Sharon’s to next to her. In the silence, Alaska slowly broke off the hug and smiled weakly.

“I…fuck, thank you. I’m a mess, huh?”

Alaska had taken a few steps back, to give Sharon some space, when Sharon surged forwards and kissed her. It was soft, slow, languid, translating into a million thank yous and words of gratitude that she didn’t know how to express. Both of them knew their lipstick would be a mess by the time it ended, but they didn’t care. Alaska still couldn’t get over that this was all hers once again, that she could do this whenever she pleased once again.

They pulled apart just in time to get notified of the cab waiting outside to take them back to Sharon’s home. A meet and greet had been out of the question, of course, what with the amount of questions regarding BOTS and Sharon’s overdose too much for either of them to bear. And besides, Sharon had spent long enough in heels in her weakened state, and although she walked fine, in those hours they knew she would get shakier. With their heads ducked, they clambered into the back of the cab and sat back with their hands entwined.

-

It took the two about half an hour to de-drag, once they’d arrived in the safety of Sharon’s home. There was something extremely satisfying about removing lashes and nails from your fingers, and Alaska had always loved watching Sharon transform. Whether she was going from the bleach-blond boy to the dark diva or vice versa, watching her become two different assets of herself felt like a privilege.

“You’re pretty.” Came Sharon’s voice from the mirror next to her. Almost immediately upon arriving, she had shed her heels, her dress and her wig, and now stood beside her in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts, wiping the last traces of makeup from her face.

“Thank you,” She drawled, dragging out the words to make Sharon laugh. “I have to say the same. Look at all this.”

She poked Sharon’s pale chest, and she batted her hand away.

“As if. God, I hate de-dragging when I’m sober. I do not enjoy looking at myself for so long when I’m becoming less pretty.” She complained, scrubbing at her cheek.

Alaska snorted. “I like it.”

“What, looking at me or yourself?”

“Yep.”

Sharon laughed again, but in all honesty Alaska was telling the truth. Sharon’s wiry arms and broad chest and muscular V-shape at her lower abdomen were all a sight for sore eyes, and Alaska would be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy looking.

“Okay, I think I’m done. Are you?” Alaska inspected her face for any rogue patches of foundation, but found none.

Sharon nodded. “Yeah. I can’t wait to sleep for six million years. Come on.”

Alaska really had it bad. Her stomach fluttered as she got into bed with Sharon, resuming their old positions like nothing had changed. Sharon still slept on the left, Alaska on the right. Sharon’s arms still found their way over to her, keeping her warm. Sharon still fell asleep first, and Alaska still fell asleep happy.


	12. Chapter 12

When Alaska woke up, the bed was empty. She could’ve lain there forever – would have if she hadn’t been alone – but her outstretched arms were grasping at nothing but cold pillows, and she wanted to be grasping at a warm body. She knew she’d fallen asleep encompassed in a warm body, one that was composed of familiar geometric shapes and sharp angles, but that body was gone now. Alaska blinked a few times and sat up, feeling groggy. She could hear voices. One sounded clear and high and female, the other low and rough and male. Part of her wanted to listen, but the other part begged her to lie back once more.

So she did, sinking back down into the pillow and closing her eyes as she listened to the voices grow louder and closer in proximity. The voices should have been instantly recognisable to her; she’d heard those two exact voices arguing and laughing many mornings when they were on tour, but fatigue made her mind foggy. All she could think about was the previous night.

Sharon had said that Alaska ‘didn’t deserve the bad publicity’ that was synonymous with her name. She’d said a lot of things, but that one stuck in her mind. It wasn’t like Alaska didn’t get bad publicity anyway, but she understood where Sharon was coming from. It was only recently that Alaska’s general public view had shifted from liked and loved to loved or hated, whereas Sharon had been a figure of strong controversy and adoration since her win, way back when. It must have been exhausting for her.

Almost absent-mindedly, Alaska reached for her phone to break the cardinal rule of reality TV superstardom. She was guilty of it, almost everyone she knew was guilty of it at some point, and even though it brought nothing but strife it was still an unshakeable urge. To know, to read, to acknowledge.

Anonymous: i know right… she used to be really sweet but then she let all the “fan favourite” fame get to her head and she’s a total snake now. I never understood why everyone loved her anyway, she was so fake on her season. And on as2 she clearly just wanted to keep detox and Roxxxy in the competition, and then she had a meltdown because she was about to be treated the way she treated everyone else. So then what does she do when everyone’s commenting snakes about her and her relevance is crashing down (because who cares about her when you could care about Katya)? She pulls out her last trick and does a show with sharon needles. Sad, really. Sad how she pretends they’re still super good friends and uses her to boost her fame and ego when she needs it. Besides the fact that sharon is a complete dick (look on reddit) it’s obvious that alaska only performs with her because it makes people excited and sharon seems to really like her… gross. Dont use another queen for your own good. Anyone else agree?

197 likes. 445 comments. 3 shares.

Honestly, that was mostly standard. Tons of people thought she was a snake for caring about her friends, and viciously defended Katya – the same Katya who would call her at midnight, giggling because a fly had landed on her baby hands and she’d managed to capture a few seconds of it on snapchat. Those were the deluded kind, and their words about being a snake or undeserving were ones she’d grown used to, and unaffected by.

Even so, the comment riled her up. She hated when fans assumed things about her life that they wouldn’t know. For one, she was friends with Katya. Secondly, how dare they assume she was just using Sharon? How dare they claim disgusting falsehoods from behind their keyboards, hidden warriors declaring that Alaska was using Sharon for her own benefit? They didn’t know that Alaska’s heart had been beating differently since they’d kissed, and how would they? They didn’t know Alaska had been falling hard for the past few months, and Sharon had fallen too, and how would they? They didn’t know that the overdose had shattered a gaping hole in her heart that bled with the worry that it would be too late for their love to survive, and how would they? How could they assume something so blatantly wrong? They knew nothing. Nothing at all.

“-irresponsible. But you already know, so I won’t keep going on. Morning, Lasky.”

Alaska sat up, forcing a smile onto her face to counteract the inevitable anger that came from reading comments about herself and the people she cared about. Michelle looked beautiful as always, her face creased with motherly concern, and Sharon’s pyjama top was undone all the way down, Alaska’s eyes instantly drawn to the sliver of exposed chest.

“I’m being lectured again about being irresponsible and taking drugs. It was an accident! But whatever.” Sharon informed her, and resumed her argument with Michelle.

The woman in question frowned. “How do you accidentally do drugs? You don’t just fall face-first into a pile of powders, Sharon.”

Sharon snorted. “No, you fall purse-first. I didn’t mean that it was an accident that I did coke. That was very much intentional.”

Even through the years of her sobriety, Alaska knew exactly what Sharon meant. It was never an accident. After so long, she still hadn’t forgotten. She never would. Memories like that just didn’t go away. It was seared into her mind forever, the way that the club lights would get brighter and the pounding of the music in her chest would spread to her head, her arms and fingertips, all through her body until she felt nothing and everything at the same time. The way she felt numb yet hyper-sensitive, seeing everything in vivid technicolour that made her ache in a painful but good way.

“She means how much she took.” Alaska said quietly. The memories flashing through her mind were scattered, frayed at the edges and missing chunks, and it made her feel sick. “It’s so stupidly easy to overdose, Michelle. You have no idea.”

Immediately, Sharon’s gaze lowered to her feet. The older queen knew exactly what Alaska was remembering, knew she was reflecting on their old club days.

“You just… you have a little and it’s fun, it feels good, it lowers your inhibitions, and then it wears off after like ten minutes. Ten minutes, that’s it. So you go get more, because you can’t feel it anymore and you want to feel it again. And then you keep doing it, because it lasts a little longer each time and you lose a little more sense every time but it still wears off. You forget that it builds up in your system and… and…”

Alaska couldn’t finish. The image of Sharon, with her dilated pupils and her quivering hands, leaning over the mattress to vomit on the carpet before falling back onto the bed, it was far too raw. Far too real. No matter what happened, no matter how she recovered or how many jokes would be made about it, that moment would never leave her. It had chilled her to the bone.

“You take too much. You overdose. You nearly die and ruin the tour and Christmas and any chance you had at redeeming your fucked-up reputation.” Sharon finished bitterly. “You worry your friends, you worry your mom, you worry anyone who bothered to care for you. It’s so easy, Michelle. It shouldn’t be, but it is.”

Michelle’s brow creased further, warmth and concern evident in her eyes. “Thank god you’re okay now. Why did you in the first place? I know you’re… partial to your illegal substances.”

Sharon bit her plumped lip and fidgeted. “Well, there is the fact that I like it, but… I don’t know. Is there ever a reason? I wanted to go out and party after stressing about the tour and arguments and all of that, and I happen to be a Ru Girl. People will give you anything when you’re a Ru Girl. Of course I said no the way a drag queen does, which sounds like ‘Sure!’ and the rest is drag. History. Her-story. Whatever. I’m alive, at least.”

Her attempt at lightening the mood, tossing in a few jokes to elicit a laugh, didn’t really work. Alaska smiled weakly, mainly out of tact, her emotions mirrored in Michelle’s face. The older woman looked as if she might tear up and hug the life out of Sharon in an instant.

“Right. Is the next rehab session soon?”

Sharon cut in before Alaska could drop a spiel that would keep Michelle happy. “Yeah, but I’m not going.”

“Oh shit,” Alaska muttered under her breath as Michelle’s face went from concerned to angered.

“Let me talk, first. Don’t look at me like that,” Sharon murmured. “I’ll go every now and then, but it’s not necessary. I know why I did it and what led me to that environment – I’m a fucking drag queen. Do I get urges? Yes, but I have Alaska by my side 24/7 to guilt me into being a good girl. I don’t need their goddamn group therapy where John the divorced father of three kids and heroin addict tells us he used to work in a bank. I can make this change on my own.”

Michelle didn’t look convinced, but she nodded. “If you think so. I’m gonna call or visit regularly, to check in. In the meantime, I know you’ve updated your social media, but I think you should speak to your friends who spent Christmas fretting about you.”

Alaska winced, knowing that the worries of their friends was one of Sharon’s biggest guilt-trippers, guaranteed to cause her mood to change. She’d already learnt how to tiptoe delicate around things that could trigger mood swings, but Michelle hadn’t been around to notice.

“Don’t fucking remind me.” Sharon grunted, but Alaska noticed that she reached for her phone from her pocket as Michelle walked out of the house. Her own phone began to buzz as Sharon typed.

-BOTS Ladies ❤-

Sharon: i’m an asshole. Sorry i ruined the tour and xmas.. cunt wait to see you all again when im allowed to be around people again

Phi Phi: jesus i thought you’d never text us

Detox: BITCH!! We were terrified!!

Courtney: don’t ever do that again, shags. I cried when i found out u were ok. Even willam bellend did

Sharon: not really planning on doing it again..

Jinkx: get better soon

Alaska: am i not a person??

Sharon: ur an alien..

Fame: are u two hanging out rn?

Katya: because what u see isn’t always a person

Jinkx: alaska are you with Sharon omg?

Jinkx: michelle told me nothing after u got out of the ER and ICU

Sharon: boo

At the same time that Sharon looked down at Alaska in the bed, Alaska shot her a sheepish smile. Her mind raced, but she really had no idea how else to relax.

Sharon vocalized Alaska’s thoughts. “You just told our friends that we’re currently in the same place, which can literally only be my home.”

Thankfully, the only undertones in her voice were ones of amusement. Sharon collapsed onto the bed next to her, a wide grin spreading onto her face as she watched Alaska try and figure out a response.

“Uh… I guess I did. Oops.” She managed.

Sharon cracked up. “You’re so stupid!” She laughed, shifting under the covers to where Alaska was still sat up. She pushed Alaska so she was also lying down and held both of her hands. “I wanna kiss your idiot face. You mind?”

Alaska chuckled, freeing her hands so she could tug Sharon closer. “My idiot face wants to be kissed.”

In an instant, Alaska completely forgot that she’d slipped up to their friends, because Sharon’s lips were connected with hers. The older queen’s teeth bit into Alaska’s bottom lip, sucking it gently as her hands roamed in her short dark curls. Her touch was soft but insistent, wantonly asking for more whilst keeping the boundaries between them. Flush against her, Sharon was cold from walking around the house, and she curled her body into Alaska’s for warmth and closeness as their tongues entered each other’s mouths. After a few seconds they pulled apart, needing air, and pressed their sweating foreheads against one another. When Alaska opened her eyes, she saw thick dark lashes and bright blue eyes watching her, the tiniest of smiles accompanying their loving gaze.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She panted, breathless. She couldn’t control the smile that made its way onto her face as she took in Sharon’s expression.

Sharon smiled wider. “Looking at you like what?”

“Like you love me.”

The blonde kissed her again, languid and luxurious, as if she had all the time in the world. A quiet gasp escaped from Alaska’s lips, but she was in too much bliss to care.

“Because I do, pumpkin. Every moment I get to kiss you is every kiss I missed out on in four years of fucking up. That’s a lot of lost time to make up for.” Sharon breathed, her gaze never once leaving Alaska’s face. Her skin was flushed red, her lips slightly swollen from kissing, her hair mussed from Alaska’s hands – in short, she’d never looked so beautiful. Alaska’s heart beat faster at the sight of her.

“Four years is a lot of time to make up for.” Alaska repeated, arching her neck as Sharon began to plant kisses along the bottom of her jaw. “Four long years.”

Sharon started concentrating on a spot just underneath the curve of her jawline, sucking at the sensitive skin there. When she was done, she kissed the red mark she’d left.

“I can handle that.” Sharon took a moment to breathe and speak, before instantly getting back to work at Alaska’s jaw and neck. Her facial hair was growing through again, the short, dark stubble, and Alaska knew Sharon had a thing for it. Back when they had been together before, although she had never admitted it out loud, Alaska always noticed the slight increase in affection – mainly kisses on her jawline – when she had facial hair.

“We should do something today.” Sharon said suddenly, nipping at Alaska’s ear.

Alaska laughed at Sharon’s imitation of what she herself used to do when they originally dated. “Like what? Isn’t the next rehab session later today?”

A hint of teasing laced Alaska’s words. She knew there was no way in hell she was going to get Sharon to go another time – at least not in the same week. Just as she expected, Sharon let out a loud whine.

“It’s Thursday! We agreed that I wasn’t gonna go today, don’t make me go back to that suicide-inducing church. They’ll make me speak to the fucking priest, I’ll burst into flames. I mean something fun! Just us.” Sharon’s plea was almost childlike, her feverish touch and hungry lips making way for wide blue eyes and a hopeful expression.

Alaska hummed, deliberately dragging her decision out. “Hmm… all I remember is you saying you’d cook if I didn’t make you go… I don’t know, Noodles.”

“Please!” Sharon begged. “Come on, I never use proper manners. Indulge me.”

“I’m gonna need some more persuasion than that. Indulge me, what? I’m missing some manners there.” Alaska taunted further.

Sharon sighed. “Can you pass me my glasses? I can’t see a goddamn thing.”

Alaska bit back a comment about Sharon’s age, choosing the path to a quiet life. Shifting over, she reached for the table where the blonde’s glasses were sat and managed to hook them onto her finger, practically flinging them at Sharon’s face. Sharon wrinkled her nose, filling Alaska with the uncontrollable urge to kiss it, and put the glasses on.

“There we are.” She said, satisfied, and pulled herself up. She positioned her hands either side of Alaska’s head, moving so her body hovered over hers. Alaska was essentially pinned into place.

“You look prettier when I’m wearing glasses.” Sharon stated, lowering herself down.

Her lips kissed Alaska’s gently, teasing her. She knew the light touch wouldn’t be enough, and Alaska would crave more as she always did. When Alaska tried to lift her head to intensify the kiss, Sharon drew back ever so slightly, so the pressure stayed tantalisingly soft. The ball was in her court.

“Are you persuaded yet?” Sharon breathed, not giving Alaska the chance to respond before resuming her unbearably gentle kiss. Alaska found herself shaking her head.

“You’re not? Okay, what about this?”

Sharon withdrew suddenly, and Alaska moaned at the loss of her warmth above her. She waited desperately for something else, something more, allowing her to get her own way and enjoy her time with Sharon.

What she received instead was entirely unexpected; a pair of strong red hands scrabbling at her sides, her stomach, under her arms, tickling her. Alaska shrieked and flailed, uncontrollable laughter escaping from her as she writhed about. Sharon knew all of her weak spots – a four year relationship had ensured that – and she abused them all, delighting in the squeals of laughter she was causing and joining in with a few joyful chuckles of her own.

“FINE! FINE! FINE! WE CAN DO S-S-SOMETHING! YOU DON’T HA-HAVE TO GO!” Alaska giggled, practically yelling the words. “FREE ME! L-LET ME GO!”

Instantly upon her surrender, Sharon laughed and leaned down again to kiss her, this time properly. Her weight on top of Alaska – lighter due to her stay in hospital – was comforting, and when they pulled apart, Alaska grinned dumbly.

“Your glasses bumped my nose.” She complained, rubbing the little red mark they’d left. “Have you got any ideas of what you want to do today?”

Sharon smiled, pushing them up with her middle finger. “Your nose bumped my glasses. I actually don’t know. We could just see if there’s anything to do and make something out of the day.”

“I like that.”

-

Appearing in public with Sharon wasn’t new to Alaska, especially not when they were in drag. Appearing with public in Sharon out of drag happened a few times, generally during BOTS or with friends, never really alone. Appearing with Sharon out of drag, in public, in Pittsburgh, with the knowledge that there was some kind of relationship-but-not-relationship happening behind the scenes? Alaska didn’t really know how to act.

The city had practically become a hive for fans of strange, weird, underground drag to flock to, or just fans of Sharon, Alaska and the Haus of Haunt. The two didn’t dare to hold hands or come across as too affectionate, because they just never knew who was going to see them. Not all drag race fans were skinny white twinks obsessing over Jeffree Starr, and all it would take was a single sneaky picture from a fan of the two acting differently to spark even more online drama. Alaska wanted to avoid as much of the drama as possible, even if Sharon had already added to it,

Thankfully, their walk down the streets of Pittsburgh had been fairly uneventful. No one really gave them a second look, not caring or not knowing who they were. Alaska knew the city had a great sense of pride for the two of them, but in the daytime they weren’t really stars. The true reverence was at night, in full paint, under the sweltering lights of a club. As two fairly ordinary looking guys, minus a little bit of Botox, there was no point in staring. Unlike when they were in drag, there was really nothing to see.

“This feels so weird. We worked so hard to never be seen with each other.” Sharon mused. “I spent ages wanting to be with you and now it’s happened, it feels strange. Get what I mean?”

Alaska nodded. “Completely. I was just in denial, and now-”

“We’re here.” Sharon finished.

There was something symbolic about it, simply walking through the city. It was pleasant enough to walk around, enjoying the peace, but there was more to it. Every step felt like retracing an old memory – drunkenly stumbling down the road after a long show, kissing for the first time in the shelter of the bus stop when it rained, dates back when no one cared to learn their names. They’d come full circle, in a way. They were back where it had all started.

As they walked into the lesser-populated parts of the city, the amount of people thinned. The occasional group of kids skated past, but other than that, it was mostly empty. A few people walked past, but not enough for Alaska to feel too exposed. She slipped her hand into Sharon’s, smiling bashfully as Sharon gave hers a squeeze and didn’t object. For some reason, Alaska felt her heart swell. Sharon didn’t mind her showing a little bit of affection in public. Maybe things were changing.

Caught up in conversation, Alaska didn’t even notice the man walking in their direction until they collided, momentarily leaving Alaska dizzy. She opened her mouth, ready to apologise, and stopped when she saw Sharon’s expression.

The blonde looked shell-shocked, her lips parted slightly as she and the stranger stared each other down. Alaska tried to search for something familiar about him, but found nothing in his brown eyes, ruffled black hair, and lean build.

“Aaron. Good to see you.” He said, his voice expressionless.

Alaska frowned. Hardly anyone called Sharon Aaron. In fact, Alaska had only heard Michelle call her Aaron once, and that was in the hospital after just over half a decade of knowing her. Even Alaska herself usually called her Sharon. It was strange hearing her referred to as Aaron.

“You too, Mark.” Sharon replied, her voice even. Mark turned to Alaska, and Sharon quickly filled her in. “Alaska, this is Mark… my ex-fiancé. Mark, you know Alaska.”

Mark pursed his lips, his eyes cold. His gaze fell onto their entwined fingers. “I do know Alaska. You’ve reunited?”

Sharon coughed. “Let’s not do this, Mark. I really don’t want to do this.”

A sense of protectiveness welled up inside Alaska. Sharon’s voice was quiet, totally unlike herself. She seemed stripped of her confidence, something Alaska had been trying her best to preserve and build up since the overdose.

“Funny, I recognise those words from the night you told me I wasn’t good enough. He’ll get cold feet and leave you, the way he left me.”

Mark directed the last part towards Alaska, who glared at him. How dare he?

“You know it wasn’t like that.” Sharon sighed. “Things weren’t working. I was unhappy.”

Involuntarily, her grip on Alaska’s hand tightened. Alaska had had enough.

“Back the fuck up, Mark. It’s not your place to tell Sharon what makes her happy or criticise her for pursuing her own happiness. The last thing she needs right now is you stressing her out by being an asshole.” She spat.

Mark narrowed his eyes. “Oh? You care about her wellbeing? Again, funny how we broke up, you started talking again and then she took an overdose. I’m not saying it was intentional, but I’m saying that she’s always been good at lying.”

“That’s not true!” Sharon insisted, fiercely defending Alaska more than herself. “Don’t listen to him. Come on, let’s just get out of here.”

Mark scowled. “You’re good at brainwashing people, Aaron. I never knew you could do it to the same person twice. Thank god I got free from it.”

Without another word, Mark continued walking down the street, and Alaska tugged Sharon along, desperate to distract her from what had just happened. Sharon had told her back in the hotel room months ago that she’d had a fiancé she couldn’t bring herself to marry. No doubt Alaska had been mentioned, judging by Mark’s hostility towards the pair. Alaska recalled Sharon admitting that she couldn’t bring herself to say she loved him.

“Sharon?”

“Yeah?”

Alaska hesitated, but pushed on. “I love you.”

There was a long pause. Oh, shit, Alaska thought. I’ve gone and fucked it up now. This was going to be the part when Sharon couldn’t say it back, was just enjoying their hands-free, no stress thing they had going on. Perhaps Alaska had it twisted. But no, she was overreacting. Or was she? Sharon didn’t love her. But she did! She’d spent so long saying so. What if things had changed? Alaska was freaking out. The silence dragged on for what feel like hours, each second that ticked past stabbing into Alaska like a knife.

“I love you too.” Sharon responded. “I like saying that as long as I’m saying it to you.”

Alaska pulled the shorter queen into a whirlwind kiss, wrapping her arms around her and tilting her face upwards before letting her go and smiling.

“Shall we just go home? I can call a cab if you’re gonna find it hard to walk all the way back.”

Sharon brought Alaska’s hand to her lips and kissed it. “Whatever you want. I need to start thinking about you more.”

Alaska’s insides felt warm, but something wasn’t right. A gust of cold wind on the back of her neck, a mosaic out of place in a beautiful picture. Everything was perfect but something just didn’t feel right. A feeling of foreboding began to encroach.


	13. Chapter 13

Their cab ride back home had been spent in a relatively awkward silence. For one, it seemed as though Sharon was slightly more rattled from running into her ex than she wanted to let on. Her knee was bouncing, the bones prominent through the thin fabric of her jeans. Alaska just needed a moment to mull over what had just happened, from the encounter right up to the impromptu confession she’d made.

It wasn’t a big deal, right? That was what the whole debacle spanning several months had been about. Alaska loved Sharon. Sharon loved Alaska. It had, essentially, ruined a tour, Sharon’s health, and the peace of mind of nearly all of their friends. So it wasn’t a big deal, that much was clear now. They were in love.

And yet it still felt like one. Mark’s words rang in her ears incessantly.

You’re good at brainwashing people, Aaron.

Sharon wasn’t a bad person. A four year relationship and a friendship afterwards had cemented that fact in Alaska’s mind. But that didn’t change that Sharon had an ugly side, a darker side, beyond the one that was revealed under the influence of illicit substances. There was the side of her that was nihilistic, offensive, the side that didn’t give a shit because she didn’t have a reason to. That side of her was rare, but it still existed.

Surely Sharon wasn’t lying, though. They’d been through so much together. No matter how cheap and stupid it may have seemed, the hard times had brought them together. It had been a wake-up call in many circumstances, from relationships to just plain health. It wasn’t something Sharon could lie about.

As they walked towards the front door – Sharon having paid for the ride and taken hold of Alaska’s hand as soon as they stepped out – Alaska started to relax again. She was just getting stressed; it was natural after such a weird turn of events. To walk hand in hand in the streets of Pittsburgh, a city now infamous thanks to the pair of them, that in itself was enough to skew her mind a little bit. Mark and his stupid little mind games were just the cherry on top of the stress cake.

Sharon flung herself down onto her couch as soon as she got inside, too tired to even properly take her shoes off. Instead, she opted to kick and shake them off as best as she could as she sank into the cushions, pulling Alaska down with her.

“So, you just said you loved me.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.” Sharon persisted. “I heard it. I heard it come right out of your little mouth.”

Alaska chuckled at the childish game. “You must have me confused with someone else.”

“Like who?” Sharon laughed. “Who could I possibly have you confused with?”

She pretended to think. “Hmm. A boa constrictor?”

“I prefer feather boas.” Sharon muttered decisively. “They’re prettier. I know I heard you, Lasky. I even said it back. Don’t deny it.”

“Well then,” Alaska replied smugly. “If you know you heard it, why do you need to mention it again?”

Sharon puckered her lips for a kiss. Alaska gladly obliged.

“To make extra sure.” She said. “You don’t think I spent so many months worrying about this not to double check it, did you?”

Alaska softened. “The worrying can stop, Noodles. No amount of ugly exes, past relationships or overdoses are gonna stop me from loving you. I’m not encouraging any of those things, but… they won’t stop me loving you the way I do. Things turned out okay in the end, didn’t they?”

Alaska knew the saying was ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, but she wanted to change it. Stronger was perhaps a better word. They’d broken each other down and built one another back up again over years and years, and if anything, their hearts were stronger than they’d been before. More in tune than they’d ever been before. It seemed a break was all they needed, and that was all it had been; a break, not a break up.

The pair were comfortably silent for a while. There was no need to dive on top of one another, ravaging each other with kisses and sex and hickeys and everything that the love novels suggested. Rekindling a fire never encompassed dumping a bottle of gasoline and a box of matches onto the wood. Like a fire, it needed to be dealt with slowly, carefully, bit by bit until they got it right.

They had all the time in the world.

-

(7) New Messages

Willam: Alaska

Willam: Alaska

Willam: Goddammit you fucking snake why are you never awake when important news is breaking

Willam: good luck when you wake up bitch

Courtney: bill! This is serious!

Michelle: Not sure if you’ve seen Instagram and Twitter, but I’d hurry there if I were you. I’m guessing you’re not awake, but…

\- Michelle Visage has sent a link –

It had been so comfortable, sat next to Sharon on the couch in silence, that Alaska wasn’t even aware the pair of them had drifted off until she suddenly awoke. Sharon’s hand was resting on her thigh, her head on her neck, and in Alaska’s right hand her phone flashed continuously. Stirring herself cautiously, so as not to wake up Sharon, she unlocked it and groggily read her messages.

Oh for fuck’s sake, she thought to herself. Not again. Why is it that the moment I’m happy, the moment anything good happens, something appears online?

A feeble part of her brain tried to convince herself otherwise. Maybe it wasn’t what she thought? Maybe it was just some snotty club cancelling one of her gigs, another article proclaiming Sharon to be a drug-obsessed Nazi – something standard and easy to brush off. There was a good chance it was another fan taking a stab at finding proof of ‘shalaska’, which again was fairly easy to ignore, if slightly amusing. Some of their theories were wild and some of them were, well, hilariously accurate.

Feeling a little blasé about the whole thing, Alaska opened her twitter. Nothing unusual. Mrs Kasha Davis spreading her positivity. A naked black guy with a gigantic cock, with a small ‘liked by Coco Montrese’ at the top of the photo. Katya spouting strangely ominous nonsense. Phi Phi interacting with fans. Ultimately, nothing seemed out of place.

She clicked trending. Various idiotic topics greeted her as usual. A sporting event, the resignation of a famous player who played… something, a funny hashtag about describing your boss with a movie title, and –

Oh.

That was what they meant.

Despite the words seeming frivolous, Alaska’s heart rate sped up upon reading them. #SharonNeedlesIsOverParty was one of the few trending topics, with a couple of hundred tweets about it.

Heart suddenly filled with dread, Alaska clicked. The first tweet, the most liked and retweeted one of all, was from an oddly familiar source.

Mark - @thatmarkman – Feb 1st

Imagine your already-shitty boyfriend leaving you to go date/fuck the ex that he abused #SharonNeedlesIsOverParty @SHARON_NEEDLES

-picture-

Enlarging the image, Alaska saw it was of herself – blurry, and from the back, but most definitely her. Her hand was entwined with the hand of somebody who hadn’t quite made it into the picture, but she knew was Sharon.

She swiped. This time the two of them were in it, still holding hands, at a side angle that would easily clear any doubts over the first image. Sharon’s side profile was abundantly clear, Alaska’s face almost fully visible. It was incriminating evidence.

angie<3 - @katyasbabyslut2004 – Feb 1st

WHY IS @SHARON_NEEDLES TRYING TO RUIN ALASKA’S CAREER JUST LIKE HERS >:( #SharonNeedlesIsOverParty

Ben||3 days - @delanoactzamomattel – Feb 1st

Wow i sure do love unstanning racist nazi cheaters! #SharonNeedlesIsOverParty

Victoria Ulgard - @trixyalaska49 – Feb 1st

Sum1 tell me this is photoshopped #sharonneedlesisoverparty

56 days - @adoorcilantrosplaid – Feb 1st

Feel like ive waited years for this damn hashtag to be a thing #SharonNeedlesIsOverParty #FINALLY

AB - @kimorasblackk – Feb 1st

Ew shalaska really? #gross #sharonneedlesisOVERparty

Leon :D - @leoshakesqueere1 – Feb 1st

Can someone explain whats going on omg i thought they broke up bc it was abusive?? #shalaska?? #sharonneedlesisoverparty

They went on and on, each one slamming Sharon, or Alaska, or both of them. A few were kind, clogging up the negative tag with positivity, but it did little to fix the issue.

Everything was now out in the open.

This was the last thing Sharon needed, and Alaska knew it. The recovery would be, and already had been, rough. It wasn’t going to get any easier anytime soon, and she didn’t need the added stress of seeing people going bananas over something that didn’t involve them. Sharon was more private than she liked to let on – this would only stress her out.

“Lasky?”

Alaska had been so caught up in scrolling through the madness that she didn’t notice Sharon stirring on her shoulder until the older queen spoke. She was squinting, her glasses having fallen off into her lap, and her brow was furrowed down at her own mobile.

“Why is Michelle texting me?”

A heavy sigh escaped from Alaska’s lips. She couldn’t lie about it. It was inevitable that Sharon would find out; she might as well deliver the news as gently as she could.

“…Your asshole of an ex told the world about us.”

She waited for the reaction.

After a couple of seconds of silence, Sharon nestled down into Alaska’s shoulder again, her eyelids still heavy from sleep.

She yawned. “Is that it?”

Alaska shifted her arm to pull Sharon closer to her, appreciating the calming warmth of having another body by her side. Sharon dropped her phone into her lap, not caring about it, and opened her eyes momentarily to gaze into Alaska’s.

“The thing is…” She began sluggishly, clearly still half-asleep. “It doesn’t fucking matter… ‘cause, I love you baby. ‘N you love me too. The whole world don’t have to love us.”

Within seconds of soliloquising, her eyes were closed again, her body growing heavier against Alaska’s. She sounded so sure, so certain, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It didn’t matter, she was positive. All that mattered was their love shared, right?

Alaska wasn’t as convinced as she wanted to be. “I don’t know, Sharon… this could have repercussions. It’s so soon…”

“Trust me, pumpkin… you lose a gig, I lose a gig… doesn’t matter. We’re famous ‘n involved in a scandal. We’re hot shit.”

The words were so painfully Sharon that Alaska couldn’t help but laugh. Maybe she was right after all. Logically, she knew it wasn’t going to get any worse than this. Mean tweets, or perhaps a rude comment, or something snotty on Reddit – that would be the beginning and end of their troubles. Of course Sharon’s overdose would remain a problem, but at the same time, the news was dying down. It seemed as though, when it came to Ru Girls, everything flared up for days and then dissipated again.

It was cliché. Beyond cliché. But that didn’t matter. Alaska switched off her phone, putting it face down on the coffee table and gently stroking Sharon’s hair.

Gigs didn’t matter. Mean comments didn’t matter. Unkind tweet and speculations didn’t matter.

What mattered was happiness, love and health.

Happiness. Only months ago, Alaska had expected she wouldn’t find proper happiness again. Confusion shrouded her mind from the obvious, pulling her away from her instinctive thoughts. She stopped following her gut and started following her head, knowing in the back of her mind that this was the same head that caused her self-depreciating thoughts. The head that caused the meltdowns, the tantrums, the angry fits that made her appear overly-competitive and petty. In hindsight, she needn’t have listened to her head. Her heart knew what it wanted. Her heart knew what it needed.

Love. That had been the difficult one. She hadn’t even wanted to recognise the way she was feeling, and had just silenced herself in order to keep up the illusion. In a hotel years ago, she’d decided to listen to her heart and break away – and in another hotel later on, she’d decided not to. For so long she denied herself the very idea; love doesn’t die when a relationship does. It had taken a while. And maybe, just maybe, it didn’t feel as explosive and all-consuming and fiery as it had when they were young, dumb and broke. Maybe, just maybe, the gentle warmth and softness between them, the delicacy of Sharon’s sleeping face and the weight of her body next to her, was enough. Maybe, just maybe, that was love too.

Health. Admittedly, they weren’t doing too well at this one. But it was a start. Sharon was starting to get better. The problem was acknowledged, and being tackled. After one of her many mood swings from angry to guilty, she’d told Alaska she was going to limit her cigarette intake. Originally, she’d decided to quit completely – a resolution that lasted all of five minutes before a craving struck her. Still, it was something. Drugs were out of the window and cigarettes were slowly disappearing. It was something. Progression.

It wasn’t perfect. They would never be perfect. Alaska would always be sensitive, a perfectionist, and prone to reacting negatively when things didn’t always go her way. Sharon would always want to find solace in a bar, to block out the bad feelings with a substance or two, and revert back to her old ways. They would never be perfect. And love certainly wasn’t going to fix that.

But there was nothing they could do to change the imperfections.

So, with as much blasé as she could muster, a brief imitation of her old old friend, Alaska smiled to herself.

Party.


End file.
